lostin7

Dang....it feels like a whole new app now 

lostin7

@lostin7 just been busy with school.... it's done now so I'm free :)
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crvedits

Where you been bookie 
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Koorolla

Thank you, unniee.. For listening, for giving me this space.. 
          I feel much lighter now, I said whatever was in my heart yet I wasn't able to say it out loud.. 
          
          It's over now.. The tears, the pain, I'll end it.. I'll not let it definite me not my behavior.. I'll be detached.. 
          Just be with Shree ji and Kanha, only at their feet.. That's my only place and I belong with them.. I won't let this human race tear me apart, for I'm made to be reunited with them.. I'm theirs and theirs only.. Except for them, no one else's opinion on me doesn't matter.. I won't listen to that.. 
          I only belong to Radhakrishna, no one else.. 
          
          
          I'm tired now, unniee.. 
          Good night, unniee
          Radhe Radhe 

lostin7

@Koorolla u will always have me bunbun, don't say thank you, just rant it out here whenever u feel heavy, this is your space place. Yes radhakrishna will never leave us, so let's just be with them and let's not let this world decide what we should be.
            
            
            Good night bunbun, sleep tight
            Radhe radhe.
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Koorolla

From Today, the Festa day, I chose myself.. 
          I won't cry for you, cause I've done it enough.. 
          I won't beg for you, for your attention, for it's not endless and unconditional.. 
          From today, I detach myself from you and your expectations.. 
          Now, whatever I'll do in life, it's for me and me only.. 
          I'll do it for myself.. 
          To give myself a better life, a life I know I deserve!! 
          It's a promise I make to myself on this day!! 
          A promise I know I'll fulfill.. 
          

lostin7

@Koorolla yess!!!! That's the spirit bunbun!!! Ik u will do it all, do it for yourself, for no one else but for yourself!! Let all speak what they want but in the end only uk what u want nd what u need...so do it for yourself!! I'm proud of u!!
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Koorolla

And Papa.. 
          You said I could share anything with you, my pain, my distress, whatever troubles me.. You said my secrets would be safe.. Then why is it I've hear my secrets from the source of my pain, why do I've to bear a pain greater than the previous one, when I share something?! 
          
          You said I'm your good girl, your golden child, then why do I hear that you call me a taste of your time, a waste of your money?! That to in front of the person, who's words are sharper than the swords, piercing my heart single everytime, that I wonder if there's anything left.. 
          
          You say not to trust stranger, but aren't you a stranger now as well, cause I don't know who you are.. Are you the one who whispered assurances to me, or are you the one who would spill my secrets?! Weren't you the one who would say my love for literature is admirable and so are the few lines I write, then why do you ask or rather order me to leave it all?! How can you ask me to leave the only reason for my living, for my sanity?! Why so you have to?! Why can't I just continue with my love for literature?! 
          Just why?! For what?! 
          For my better life?! It'll only make it worse, cause I would just be surviving here, like some wild animal, instead of living it.. 
          You ask me to stop listening to music, for you think it's distracting me, but why can't you think for once that it's stopping me from drowning.. Why can't you, Papa?! Whyy?! 
          Why do I have to carry the weight of your unfulfilled dreams on my shoulder?! What about my dreams then?! What about them?! 
          
          You say I don't know about world, I don't know about life, about how society works.. 
          Maybe I don't.. I don't know.. I don't know anything.. 
          I maybe be the most confused, lost child but I know one thing now, I won't loose myself to become someone I'm not.. 
          You may call it a result of some bad influence or imbalance of hormones, but I know what I'm doing.. I've that much capacity and I'll proof it.. Not to show that you're wrong, but because I know I'm right..

Koorolla

Bolte hai, aaj kal tum humari baat nahi sun rahe, kuch bolo toh nahi kar rahe.. Ab unhein kon bataye ki khud ke liye jeena sikh rahi hoon.. 
          Ladki ho but khana banana nahi aata, kya karogi sasuraal mein.. Jeevan mein kuch nahi kar paogi.. 
          Cooking is an art, unniee and I'm interested in it but not like this.. Not when it's forced upon me cause of my gender.. I want to cook cause I want to, cause I would love to and not cause I was bound to.. Especially not cause my friends can.. 
          
          So?! What if they can?! 
          Why is cooking and baking treated as a hobby, but not reading?! Not listening to music.. Why not that?! 
          Why is it that if my friend paint mountains, houses and birds, it's considered as art, but when I paint or sketch flowers, it's a waste of time, not a hobby?! Why?? Aren't flowers pretty or you just don't like what I make?! 
          Why is someone brilliant when then solve equations in minutes, but not me when I write a story?! Why?! 
          Why is someone waking up early to study is acceptable, but not me studying late till night?! Why?! 
          Why is it that when someone does tilak Or do arati early in the morning is regarded as a good person, a devotee but when I ask to go temple in the evening, I'm made fun of?! Why is my bhakti different, is less from them?! 
          Just why, Mimi?! 
          
          Am I that bad?! 
          Haven't I ever done a single thing right?! Not even once?! 
          
          You say I think of you as my enemy where as in reality you're trying to make me walk the correct path, then why are those thorns picking my feet?! Why are my feets tired?! Why are my cries unheard of?! 
          
          Mimi, you may not be my enemy but you aaren't my home, my safe place either.. 

lostin7

@Koorolla be your own safe place!! Don't go in the dark nd abandon your happiness, instead stay in the light and make yourself shine like the sun, uk right what I said today? U have to shine bright like the sun, u need to get high in the sky like the sun, and i believe in u!!! U will do it!! 
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lostin7

@Koorolla lots for hugs to u bunbun... I'm so proud of u, proud of u for openly saying all this. It takes alot to open up but u did, nd let me remind u crying isn't a bad thing, if u are feeling like, cry out loud, scream in your pillow, let it out. It's not a sign of weakness but yea, don't let them know that u are emotional, cry, scream do everything but don't let them know it cause then they will take advantage of it. U are already very strong bunbun nd it doesn't what anyone says, neither mimi....u have shreeji with u nd that's enough. She will never leave u, everyone is temporary but she isn't, so why waste your time nd emotions on things nd people which are temporary, instead give it all to the eternal. Even if everyone makes fun of u  for doing bhakti don't let it affect u, do your thing nd let them talk, their thinking doesn't define u, it defines them. 
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Koorolla

Yeh lo, unniee.. Bola tha na rant karungi.. 
          Lo aagyi.. 
          
          Yk, whatever happened, there's one thing I'm proud of.. I learned to hide my tears, unniee.. I did it!! 
          I was trying so hard for it, probably from years, but now I finally did it.. Yk, whenever I would cry, my eyes would be so red and so would be my nose.. But now, it doesn't.. Before, one glance at me and you would know I cried, but now.. Now, when you look at me, you won't even doubt that I cried like anything in shower.. 
          Ohh, and now I also know how to cry silently, like very silently, not even a noise will come out of my mouth, even though all I want to do is scream.. Isn't that great?! 
          And abhi toh, Shree ji bhi hain.. Yk, unse baat karti hoon toh kuch samaya baad, yeh jo heartache hai na, yeh chala jata hai, ekdum gayab, maano jaise kabhi dard tha hin nahi.. 
          
          Pehle ne na, andhere se dard lagta tha, unniee.. Like bahut jyada hin.. Ab andhera apna ho gya hai.. Pehle akela rehna accha nahi lagta tha, hamesa koi na koi saath chahiye hota tha, but ab toh yeh hai ki baas akela chod do.. 
          
          Bolte hai akele kya karogi, ekant mein kya hai.. Ekant mein hin ab sab kuch hai, unniee.. 

Koorolla

Chalo Papa ki baatein toh ok ok types thi, toh uspe bura nahi laga.. Ro toh tab aaya jab aaj mummy ne baat ki.. Areyy baat chodo , unhone toh blame karna start kar diya.. Bola meine khudko barbaad kar diya hai .. Mein kuch toh galat kaam kar rahi hoon and meine unka time waste kiya.. Yeh jo saal tha , meine woh barbaad kiya hai, unke paise barbaad kiye hain.. I've become a burden , a disappointment to them, unniee .. Kuch faida nahi hua unka, I'm useless .. Kuch nahi kar pai mein , kuch bhi nahi.. Tab bhi paise barbaad kiye the, aur kal bhi jab woh provisional admission karwaya , tab bhi paise gaye.. Baas udaye hain unke paise meine , aur kuch nahi .. 

lostin7

@Koorolla bunbun, u being their daughter is a blessing. Gusse mai insaan kitne cheeze bol jata hai, ik hurt hota hai, and home do but don't take it personally bunbun, u are not a burden okay? U are the bestest thing happened to me and to this planet and to everyone who knows you!!! Maine bola tha na ki parents ki baate personally mat lena, haa voh bolenge toh hurt hoga kyuki parents hai but remember no one has the right to raise a finger on your capability, not even your parents. It's high time u slowly start to detach yourself. Then dekhna things won't hurt so much, and ye achanak nhi hoga, time lagega and it's okay lagne do. I'm here and shree ji is here. So don't think negatively about yourself. 
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Koorolla

Yaar , Unniee.. 
          Aaj toh like mein ro di pura.. 
          Dekho, Papa ne jo bola tha ki like iss baar accha nahi kiya, hum sabko tumse umeed thi, kitni hopes thi and so so .. But at least, end mein yeh toh bola ki jo hua bhul jao aur ab aage ki socho .. And mein bhi agree karti hoon ki meri lifestyle mein kuch changes laane zaroori hain and mein uske liye khud ko mentally prepare bhi kar rahi hoon , I mean bina mentally prepare hue kuch karne jaon toh kaha uss kam ko kar paongi.. Haan, aise bhi log hote hain, jo bahut jald hin apne aap ko prepare kar lete hain, Par mein toh unmein se nahi hoon .. Mujhe toh time lagta hai na prepare hone mein.. Areyy har insaan alag hota hai , sab ek news ko same way mein nahi le sakte .. Parson hin toh aap ne mere se baat ki , phir aap kaise expect kar sakte ho ki usi moment se jo aap ne kaha woh karna start kar doon .. Areyy, kam se kam, 1-2 week ka toh time do .. Lifestyle change karna itna aasan thodi hai.. Ek din toh koi bhi jaldi uth le, exercise karle, healthy food kha le.. Har din karne ke liye toh khud ko prepare karna padta hai na.. 

lostin7

@Koorolla do things for yourself first, phir dusro ka socho!!! 
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lostin7

@Koorolla ik bunbun ki kabhi kabhi too much hojata hai, but itna tension leke kya hoga? Kya sare problems solved hojyenge? Kya sab humse khush hojayenge? Remember this is your life!! Tumhe jina hai khudh ki life, toh koi kuch bole koi fark nhi padta, easy koi cheez nhi hoti, lekin try toh karte hi hai na? Tum bhi karo. Kisike kehne pe nhi but for yourself, tab tumhe itna burden feel nhi hoga. Kahna ji hai, shree ji hai, mai hu, sab hai tumhare saath. Bas phir khudpe bharosa rakho and go for it.
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Koorolla

@lostin7 And Universe aur Shree ji & Kanha ke bharose hin toh baithi hoon.. 
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SmittenwithJungkook