★ juno

hello all i am going to rewrite and make a xingyun version of poet bc they're my current comfort ship :D would anyone read it??

everything is fine it's fine i'm fine

literally nobody ever fucking listens to me then they get mad at me and act like i didn't try to communicate

more than anything i just want to talk to her i want to see her i want to hold her :( i just want her and i know i'm lying to myself when i say i wouldn't fall for it again if she really does feel anything for me ... but this hurt is too much :(

maybe we are soulmates who weren't meant to be and she happened to love someone else more than me

i was mindlessly adding songs to that playlist thinking she'd forgotten about it and would never see it but i looked today and she added a song ... which she hadn't done since right after we broke up :( and after looking at the lyrics i want to think it's one of the ones she added for me but after everything she said ... i don't want to give myself that false hope. i just hope she listened to the ones i added and knows i feel.

anyways u guys i came up with this hanahaki non-fanfic venting au idea and. wanna know if u like it so here it is: 
          
          
          
          once upon a time, two girls loved each other. you would never see a love more beautiful than theirs. except---one of them was lying. and the other wouldn't know until it was too late. and she'd wish her feelings away every second of every minute of of every hour of every day once she found out. she'd wish they never met. she'd wish it wasn't real, wish this lie was a lie. 
          
          she'd wish her love would look at her, not a girl she knew before. she'd wish she could be enough for her love. the only one she'd ever love so much, she knew. 
          
          she'd cough up petals.
          
          hyacinths, daffodils, red roses.
          
          she'd wish she could die. because as much as she'd wished her feelings away before, she loves loving her. nothing had ever felt like loving her.
          
          and she would die. a slow, beautiful, excruciating death.
          
          and her love would pay no mind, for she had forgotten all about her pretty little lie.

going through a depressive episode except this time idk if it will end lolsies

maybe once i finally graduate i'll actually have a little more motivation to write more ;( i hope

will i ever actually get to be happy??