es's

I want to live.

I've been wondering, am I that bad? did I really don't have anything to be proud of? like her? like others? did I really just a useless? I did everything, just because wanna hear "you already did the best as you can.", "its okay to be not okay, no one's perfect.", "I'm here, always. Allah is there as well." no one's ever said that to me, even me myself. I just wanna be understood.

I get it if everyone hates me, I'm hating myself as well. I'm the awful one. what I'm looking for in this world, me myself don't even have answers. Idk. maybe I just wanna love myself. I hurt myself, fr. I'm desperately needed those comfort words so I can live a life. I want to live, but I don't want to as well. I hate to hurt me, but there's no other choice than this.

on my silent days, I miss that one friend who always there for me but now we are no more than strangers. me myself don't even know what's making our friendship cutted off. we used to be really close but now we are nothing, no reasons, no words, it was just a sudden cut off. how I wish I could tell her how much I miss her. how much I miss our times, our laughters and even our joyful conversations together. these feels strange.

seriously, I'm still on my bed using my phone while the exam is coming. everyone starts to write, meanwhile I'm still at there with my phone. when others are preparing, I'm just about to start. while anyone else being ready, I'm about to prepare. and when everyone got the goals, I just could stare at them and wondering "if I'm start moving early, I must be one of them." my parents once said, "kala betul nok berjaya, usaha. kala tanyo semo ore, semo royak nok tapi kalu suruh buat tok semestinya semo akan buat. sio² jelah kala jerik, tok tido male study, beli buku belajar bertimbun tapi usaha takdok. rule dio 1 jah, rajin. gapo² pun jadilah ore hok rajin sebab semestinyo hok rajin ni akan berjaya, tok kesoh lah sama ada berjaya pelajaran, agama, dunia dan akhirat asalko rajin. satu lagi keno ingat, gapo² jago hubungan ngan orang lagi² hubungan ngan Allah sebab gapo hok kito dapat ni nikmat Dia belako."

will delete that, soon.

sometimes I feel like I'm a cool person, but at exactly the same time, I'm the dumbest one. I could be a confident person and could be a coward as well. I want to be alone without any noises but in the deepest of my heart, I want to be surrounded by friend(s) who could make me laugh joyfully. I'm faking myself infront of everyone, I'm not really someone whose full with energies. no one knows the truth, even me myself. Idk whether I still want to live, pathetic isn't it? if commit suicide isn't a sin, maybe I'll be the first one who do that. I'm kind to others but cruel to myself. I felt sorry to myself, I didn't mean to hurt you dear self, I don't deserve everything even my own self. 

idk why, but I'm getting more sensitive these days. over-slept, over-insecure, over-stressed and much more. besides, chemistry and physics tests are coming soon T^T! I wish I could study harder but I'm in my lazy periods. maybe I should find some advices cuz I think my mental health is worser. I've lost interest in pleasurable activities for long periods of time huhu. in shaa allah, will get better soon ^O^.

yk what, I'm starting to think that LEARNING ENGLISH IS SUCH A FUN THING TO DO!! besides, I already got my new hobbies such as writing, singing (?), beading stuff, colouring and even making notes :3. maybe these could help me to not doing 'that' thing whenever I'm undergoing a lot of troubles. my next mission is trying to 'kill' laziness in myself huhu T^T. issokay, everything's gonna be alright. in shaa allah, slowly but surely.

today's school was really exhausted to me T^T. accidentally slept on physic class isn't cool gurlll, the teacher even called my name to wake me up. I ended up embarrassed with my own behaviour. I even slept during addmath's class just because of migraine T^T. my studies are really messed up this time huhu.