madisonradcliffe123

10 years. A full decade. 
          
          To think back on that time in life… Madi you were so young. A sophomore in high school, not even 16 yet, the real world was a place of limitless opportunities. 
          
          I’ve said this before, but I can’t picture who you would be now. What would your political beliefs be or religious stance? Would you have gone for a fantastical career, like culinary or acting, or would reality have pushed you to something more reliable and trustworthy? What would your relationships with others be like? How would your health be at this point? What would your life… be?
          
          To read our messages back and our stories, I have a hard time reconciling 16 year old ME with the woman I am now. A job, bills, responsibilities, career goals, family life- all of these things are concrete and place me well into the mid-20s of life. I can’t picture you with these things. I can only see you for what I knew you as: a teenage girl fully in the throws of girlhood fandoms and simplicity. 
          
          That reality hurts. Milestones in life are always reminders of you and what you never were able to experience. The analytical side of me can’t help but try to pick out details of childhood that may have translated to adulthood, but I’ll never get those true answers. I will forever be left with no solution to the equation of who Madison Marli was supposed to be. 
          
          That in of itself is something. Was your life meant to be only 16 years? To have only known childhood joy and to leave a lasting impact on the people in your life at that time?
          
          The existential part of me gets too deep into that train of thought than I care to admit. 
          
          I talk about you. I think about you. I remember you and compare things to you even all these years later. 
          
          Your memory is a blessing and it always will be. That is what I make myself focus on when the hurt gets to be too much. When 10 years feels like far too long. 
          
          Beautiful girl how I wish things had been different. 
          
          All my love now and always. 

Happy Golden Birthday, beautiful Angel. You would be 24 today. 
          
          Time marches on and makes many of us strangers. I have a hard time remembering the version of myself you knew. I’m almost 10 years older than I was when we lost you. That’s a lifetime. 
          
          I’ve had my real, big girl job for almost a year and a half now. A clinic nurse for oncology patients at the same center that treated my grandpa when he had his cancer. Talk about full circle. 
          
          I do boring things like taxes and errands and planning vacations on PTO time and getting excited about new book series. Okay- maybe the book thing isn’t entirely new, haha. I’m planning what my next career moves will be (what will my Masters degree be? Do I stay with this organization or move on? What promotion opportunities are there?). I’m planning personal future things (saving for a house, dreaming of a marriage and children). I’m watching friends do all the same things (so many have gotten engaged or married in the last couple of years and even started having children???). 
          
          And there’s always little moments that make me think the what ifs for you. Where would you be now? What would you be doing? I wish I could’ve seen your dreams become reality. 
          
          You were a bright light, daredevil girl, and your light is still so missed by so many. 
          
          Love you forever and always. 

Hi Madi, 
          
          After 10 days of back and forth with Wattpad support- problem identified. Apparently they have marked starting posts of “hello beautiful” as spam and won’t permit them to post. How odd. 
          
          But I’m relieved. Back to the way things are. This does mean, however, that the posts I tried to do have been a) posted weirdly and b) not when I wanted them to be. We’ll call that one the long, stressful update from now on haha. 
          
          I love you. Glad to have this back online. 

The amount of panic and fear I have felt over the last 45 minutes is more than I would care to admit. 
          
          Since you've been gone, I've used your profile page to talk to you. For me, it felt like I was sending you something in a way you could still get it and see it without it bothering anyone else. Wattpad has died off over the years and no one in our lives really used it much besides us two so it always felt safe. Private. Easy to access at anytime. Even though I was putting it out there publicly, part of me didn't mind. If there was someone taking the time to read my letters- I'd pretend it was you. 
          
          Tonight was like many that I've done this in the past. Write until I'm empty, edit as needed, try to get it to fit in one post. I couldn't get it in one post so I was doing the delete-until-it-fits and it kept not going. So I tried from a browser instead of an app. That failed too. I reset my password and logged in again. Nothing. And then I started to get an error message "message cannot be posted." 
          
          Which sent me into a panic. 
          
          I've done this for six years and always been scared of the chance I could lose it. I'm not proud to say, but I cried. Completely irrational and unnecessary but it's how I reacted. Because I can't lose this... it's the only thing I have left. So, in a panic to save it in case it's something like your profile is being shut down due to inactivity- I've copied all of my entries into a "book" on my profile. That way, at least I have a backup. 
          
          I hope this isn't permanent. It doesn't feel the same. But I'm dreading it being the likely option. 
          
          I'll try again in the morning after I've slept and see if I can get it to work from my computer. 
          
          I can't lose this.
          
          (Originally posted Aug 12, 2022)

Hello dear you,
          
          I've been meaning to sit down and write to you, but time always tends to slip away from me (what a lame excuse, but it's the only one I have).
          
          Since I wrote a year ago- I've had quite a lot of milestones. You were never far from my mind. The biggest ones have been in the last couple of months of course.
          
          If we've been keeping track, it has been six years since you've passed. I have now lived without you for just as long as I lived with you as a constant in my life. That revelation hit late one night and hurts deeply even now just writing about it.
          
          I graduated college. I received my Bachelors degree in nursing- and actually graduated as the top of my cohort. Are we surprised? No. Would you still tease me relentlessly about it? Yes.
          
          In June, I turned 22. Again, my birthday is an annual reminder of how I am now years older than you ever reached. I've changed so much as a person since we were 15 and I often wonder the type of person you would have become. Would our friendship have stayed as it was? Evolved? Dissipated over time as life and responsibilities complicated our routines? I'll never know and so I always revert to 15-year-old us when I sit and write. Wanting to share everything and to talk but always knowing it is one-sided.
          
          (1)

Hello,  Madi. 
          
          My, it’s been a long time since I last wrote on here. I hadn’t realized it. I’d think about posting on here and then things would get busy and too much time would pass and I would just let it go. It’s not for lack of remembering. I remember all the milestones. It’s just hard to articulate all the words I feel you deserve when I write to you and it takes so much time to do you any sort of justice. 
          
          March 19th was five years since you’ve passed. Five. Years. That’s about as long of a time as we were friends. Soon you’ll be gone longer than the years that I knew you. That hurts. I’ve never really thought about that fact but now it’s startlingly clear to me. 
          
          May 24th was your 21st birthday. Another big birthday you didn’t get to celebrate. I think we would’ve FaceTimed, you would’ve drank a glass of wine, and we’d chat about our days. We would’ve planned for me to drive down the weekend before or after to have a girls trip of some sort- time at the beach, wandering the mall, or just something to do on our own. 
          
          Today, June 16th, is my 21st birthday. I got so many messages, texts, Snapchats and they’re all lovely. But a little part of me still is sad that one of them still isn’t you. A part of me is still sad that I continue to get to do all these amazing things and reach goals that I always wanted and you can’t do the same. 
          
          I miss you. I always do. There are so many moments in my days where I think about you and wish that I could shoot you a text or call you about something you’d find hilarious or aggravating. 
          
          I wish we could’ve grown up together. We were so young when you left us- not even 16. There’s so much life that’s happened that you didn’t get to experience that I try to do enough for the both of us. 
          
          You’re always in my heart 

Hello dear you. 
          
          I’m quite a few hours late, but it’s been four years since you’ve passed. 
          
          I don’t know how it’s been that long. It still feels like it was yesterday I talked to you that last time. 
          
          That’s time for you, it just keeps marching on...
          
          The world is a little scary right now, Mad. There’s this crazy virus running rampant and the whole world is basically supposed to be social distancing/quarantining. It’d be days like this we would’ve loved when we were younger because we could’ve talked all day long on FaceTime. Instead, I’m spending hours trying to learn nursing skills through videos (send me luck, I need it). As awful as it sounds (or maybe it isn’t), I’m thankful that you’re not here for this. COVID has nasty respiratory effects on those with bad lungs, and that was you. Pneumonia caused your demise, I can’t even imagine what this would be like if you got it. I would be worried sick about you by now with all of this. At least you are safe, healthy, and using those good lungs to do who knows what in the clouds above. 
          
          Still, I selfishly miss you and wish you were here. I wish we would be driving midway between your house and mind for lunch or something. That we could get together in person and you could love on my goofy dog Nerf that you would be obsessed with. I wish you were in culinary school and sending me recipes to try. I wish we could do Harry Potter marathons that we watched in our own beds while being on the phone and you were quoting it all. I wish I knew the type of person you would’ve become by now. 
          
          Even though time seems to be getting longer between my messages to you, a day doesn’t go by where I don’t think about you still. It’s little things you would laugh at or big memories that make my heart squeeze or stories I wish I could share with you. 
          
          I’m sending love to your family today. Four seems to be hitting harder than the previous couple years. It feels harder to me, too. 
          
          I love you. I miss you.

Hello you,
          
          I’ve been meaning to write to you the last few days, but I haven’t had the chance to stop and do so. 
          
          Friday I got accepted to UT’s nursing school. Can you believe it? What I’ve been working towards for years is finally within arms reach. I sat there and sobbed for 20 minutes when the email first came across and I immediately wished that I could’ve called you to tell you. Milestones like this I wish that I could talk to you about them. 
          
          So this means nursing school starts come January. I’m already having to look at scrubs, lab coats, stethoscopes, and all the forms I have to complete. I’m nervous and excited and terrified and determined and so many other emotions I can’t place.
          
          Monday I met with my advisor in the program (who is also the director of Nursing- go figure lol) and she seems very open to the idea of me. She said it will not be easy, but my hard work has shown and gotten me this far. I just pray she stays this open and wants to genuinely help me succeed. 
          
          God Madison, this is all I’ve ever wanted to do and it’s so close. I hope I can do it. I hope that I can at least get my dream career and follow through with it since you weren’t able to. 
          
          I miss you like crazy. I really do. 
          
          When nursing school starts, I’m really going to need you to be even more of a guardian angel for me, okay? I’ll need as much good stuff and support as possible.
          
          Love you, Mad.

Hello, beautiful angel.
          
          I'm a day late, but it's been three years since you left us. How has it been that long?
          
          Yesterday, I thought of you a lot and the fact I'm in college and you're not. What would your major be? What would you be doing right now? Would you be taking driving lessons and trying to get a vehicle like I am now? Would you be debating on if you wanted to take the chance and see what a college party was like? Would you be happy with everything?
          
          I'd like to think you have been sending little reminders of yourself the last 24 hours because I have heard/ seen things that have you written all over them.
          
          1- my mom has an obsession with the show "Flash". I have never- not once- in the two years that she's watched it, watched it with her. But yesterday I did. And who is the BRAND NEW character that's never been on before the episode I saw? TOM. FELTON. Draco Malfoy himself. So there's a Harry Potter reference you would've loved. 
          2-Today I sat at Starbucks with Sienna (you'd love her) and her new boyfriend Jason and he freaked out at the fact I've never read/seen Harry Potter anything. And so he sat there trying to plan a day for me to watch them. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was something I was meant to do with you. 
          3- I come home and start watching Youtube. And the podcast I'm currently watching, the FIRST VIDEO I PLAY??? WHAT HOUSE ARE YOU?? They did the whole Pottermore thing: House, Wand, Patronus.
          4- My happy little behind decided I'd do it, too. So I go on and- shockingly- got sorted as a Hufflepuff. My limited knowledge of Hogwarts was confused but then it made sense: brilliant but not boastful, trustworthy, loyal, protective of those you love. I wonder if you'd laugh at my results or agree wholeheartedly. Also my patronus was a Red Squirrel. I don't get that one. 
          
          So. A LOT of Harry Potter things. I know it's you. I feel you, thanks for reminding me you're here still. 
          
          Love you and miss you like always.

Hi friend. My, it’s been quite awhile since I last wrote to you. 
          
          Despite that, you cross my mind constantly. The last few days especially. 
          
          Wanna hear something wild? When you turn 18 and your growth plates are fused, the protocol is to end pamidronate. So, as of yesterday, the next 20ish years, I won’t need to get infusions. It felt really wrong leaving yesterday and knowing that I won’t be coming back for that. I mean, it’s been a part of my life before I can even remember and now it’s done? 
          
          And of course, I think of you. Because here’s another milestone that I’ve completed that you didn’t get to do. We should’ve done this together. We should’ve been in room 22 like always and been discharged together. 
          
          I wish we had done it together.