You didn't follow me earlier, right? Hah! No issues. I know it was rule of HPAs, but i don't mind.
I as judge wanted to say it, just skip if you don't wanna read it (critiques):
Start was good but the story is predictable and plain. Punctuation was an issue. Rest is fine. Don't get depressed if you don't win. Read and read and read. A good writer is firstly a good reader. (i think these are Mark Twain's word). Its my advice - Read more books of your interest, write short stories and non fiction articles, write until you're satisfied and then present it to the world.
Write just coz you want to!