『 𝘽 𝙧 𝙖 𝙩 』

bout to flip this acc again :)
          
          JUST TO PISS MY BABU OFF BY SWITCHING CONSTANTLY

wHAT ARE YOU DOING? 

WHAT AM I DOING

if you do read this though,or at least this one message,really;
          
          I love you to pieces babu. I always have and there's no doubt,I always will! Hope you'll be able to forgive me once. 

but does it matter after all? does any of this actually matter?
          
          i still fucked up once and it was enough to screw me for a long time,if not forever
          
          so i'm still responsible for this. what's done is done. i can't change the past no matter how much i want to. i did cause a whole lot of damage to our relationship which i can only hope to fix

i've never laid this much effort into any of the relationships i've had before to be honest
          
          as my friendships don't really last,i live by the 'people come and go' rule which is honestly the shittiest rule of them all SO GOD DON'T GO DOWN THAT PATH
          
          but not this time. there's no one like her and i can't just let this go. she's the most important part of my life and it sorta sucks that she doesn't believe that. but that's my fault again,really
          
          i adore her both as my best friend and my girlfriend

and here i go again. self-doubting even though i promised her that i would never do that again,just to keep our relationship as healthy as it can be
          
          because if anything,i'm the one to blame if all of this goes sideways and if it's unhealthy
          
          but the pessimistic side of myself kinda just broke in again while i was trying so desperately to shut it out

and it kinda sucks
          
          call me a selfish bitch,because i actually am lol,but she made me feel like i was finally someone's favourite person! which is honestly the best feeling in the world. to have a place to belong to and never want to leave that place,e v e r
          
          i wish i could make her feel like that as well. but i have no idea how she does it. and what am i supposed to do to make her feel like that as well
          
          i'm not sure about it now. i don't know whether am i still a favourite. i kinda wish to be one,but it's not something i can control
          
          i can only hope that i won't be replaced but still,i would always support her if she would choose someone else instead of me

and what if i do lose her? 
          
          like damn it,let's face some facts here
          
          i have never had anyone in my life who i could keep by myself,apart from a childhood friend of mine. but it doesn't really count anymore as we barely even talk lately
          
          it just,dies out. i die out. i have nothing to show that would lock people close to me
          
          i just fuck it up. everything around me is fucked

i feel like people are ashamed of me as well
          
          which,to be honest,wouldn't be surprising but it kinda feels like shit. just in general
          
          but then again,it's the least that i deserve