Matthew&Xander

merry christmas matty and alex. if you read this tell hanna i said merry christmas as well.

I miss you. It feels like just yesterday that you were here. Sometimes, I wish this was just some cruel sick joke and you'll just be like 'I'm back.' But the realistic part of me knows that it's not going to happen. But I still can wish. The first thing that I said, that I was able to finally find my voice was, life isn't the same without Matty. Because it isn't. It hasn't been. You know that one person that you always go to for advice, who's always there and won't judge? Yeah, that was you for me. But then it was like, within a matter of seconds, in a blink of an eye you were gone. Poof. Just like that. And I tell you, not a day goes by where I don't think about you. Where I don't not miss you. Because Matty, I miss you so much and I just wish that you were here. But you're not.

It was around this time I got the news. I deleted the messages, to get a fresh start. But the first message I got was your death. I reply this memory back in my head, all day long. All the time. The tears just wont stop coming. I just....I want to say all these thoughtful and meaningful things to you, about you. But really, Matty. I just miss you.

It seems like I can never say enough. You were here, then you were gone. Just like that. I haven't forgotten you, I could never. Sometimes, I find myself thinking about you at the oddest times and I shed a tear or two even if I'm in public. Life hasn't made sense since you died.

Every month, on this day I reread everything. Our conversations, your book and Alexs book. I reply when Alex told me that you were gone. I reply that he told me his last text was you saying you were going to talk to me, because we hadnt in a while, right? crazy that i thought you were going to come on. At first, I was really excited. I saw it was a message from you but, that excitment soon turned to saddness. Because Alex said you were dead. I couldnt handle it. It was like, all the air was sucked out of my lungs but put back in just as quickly. You were gone. And I cried so hard,I still cry. God, Matty. I hope that youre looking down at me smiling, I really hope that you are, I dont want to disappoint you. I miss you Matty. So fucking much. Life really doesnt make sense.without you. I didnt just lose a best friend or a brother. I lost the complete whole part of.me. I dontknow what but its gone. Because when you died, I changed. I know I wouldnt have made you proud at the time. But Im trying,Matty. Im trying. 

Tomorrow will be the day. Months have passed and you're still on my mind, you haven't left. Not once. I wish you were here now. Things are insane, I could use some of your advice. Or just a smile, I need one of those right now. We could go to Mexico again. You would always make a joke of my problems and have a solution for every one of them. But lately, Ive been getting myself into more messes. And I told Alex, that life doesn't make sense without you. Life still doesn't make sense without you. You're gone Matty and I'm lost.

Life without Matty, sucks. I miss you Matty. Youre not here, my big brother, isnt here. Youre not here to tell me how much I screwed up, laugh at me then help me fix it. Youre not here to joke around. Youre not here to protect me from them. I still dont understand why you would get in a fight because of me. Youre not here Matty and it hurts. It stings. It hurts like a bitch. I dont know what to do without you, life doesnt make sense. Its like, those conversations, helped me. They kept me going, they helped me through life. And I cant do it anymore. I just cant do life without you. Because losing you, broke my heart. A month is too long. The fact that you havent been in my life for 30 days just...I cant fathom a thought to explain it let alone put it into words. A month. Thats all I can think of. Thirty one days ago, you were still alive. You were crackin jokes, you were yelling at me not to fix your hair, you were telling me about Hannah, you were just, here. And now youre not.

Matthew Banks is and will forever be one of the greatest people I've ever had the chance to meet. He was my brother, my bestfriend, hell he was more of a dad with the advice he gave me than mine could ever be. I miss that shithead. A lot. Those of you who didn't get the chance to meet Matthew...I hate to be an asshole, but it sucks for you. He was hilarious and smart and so caring and supportive. He was grounded and down to earth. Honestly, he was the best person I've ever met. When I got home, it was so quiet I could hear a pin drop. Then his dog came out of his room and let out the most heartbreaking howl. I think she knew what had happened, she was a really smart dog. Hannah, his girlfriend, stayed the night at Matty and I's flat. She slept in his bed, and I heard her crying all night long. It's just so unfair, you know? Matthew didn't deserve to be shot. Nobody ever does. Matthew Banks, age 20, did not die a virgin. I'm pointing this out because he was a like a nun. All talk, that Matty.
          God, please take care of our Matty. He's fragile, believe it or not. He's fragile and I know he's up there watching us. Watching me, watching Hannah, watching Ellie, watching J...
          We miss you, buddy. We always will. There won't be a day that goes by that I won't think of you. You took me under your wing and I'm forever grateful.
          I'll see you again some day, shithead.
          I love you
          -X

@XoBrownEyedBeautyXo haha it's fine ! -x

@XoBrownEyedBeautyXo I have a girlfriend, maybe Xander would though xD   -M