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supppppppppp

It's hilarious when people try to claim to know stuff about you which you aren't even aware of.

Can't believe that it has almost been a year since I joined this app. Time sure do flies fast.

Too close, extremely close 
          I can’t move, something is wrong with the ground. maybe it’s not the ground, maybe it’s my shoes? 
          They’ve gotten too old, I was thinking about perhaps getting new ones.
          One step forward, Or maybe one step back. My mind is a blurred vision of everything, foggy skies and empty spaces.
          I look down, nothing to be seen, was I sinking? Or maybe it’s the wind making me feel all these type of things. 
          The edge is too close to me, Or am I the one close to it? 
          Frozen In place I stand, colder than my blood painted fingertips.
          I no longer can breathe, everything is getting heavy, heavier than I ever felt. 
          I’m so done, I’m so screwed.
          What kind of struggle is this that’s battling my whole life? 
          Did I, find something stronger than my will? Or perhaps, my will has gotten tired of the cycle repeating itself. 
          Break the cycle or it’ll break you.

A human being.
          Flesh, Bones, & Blood. 
          Born to feel everything at the first stages of life, turns into something cruel, something sick. 
          Emotionless, with the ability to feel nothing but understand everything and everyone , you mirror people’s actions, you read into their thoughts, you feel their emotions.
          You feel too much until you’re bottled up enough . 
          Misery, Sadness, ugly truths, past triggers, and everything pushes all at once . 
          It’s time to face those feelings , they scream at you from the far up distance in between the darkness 
          “ I’m the monster you created, free me from yourself!” 
          Unstable, all through thoughts & feelings even physically draining. 
          A process you ought not to go through but you did , now you hold this responsibility upon yourself, to keep yourself imprisoned.
          And cave into those unstable emotions.

Obsession, something not to be proud of.
          But is it something worth being ashamed about? 
          What is your obsession ? What’s your darkest secrets? 
          Perhaps your obsession is just being unfortunately too blind to find out that you’re a perfectionist, something unimaginably beautiful.. Obsessed with chasing perfection while you’re a unique portrait of your own self. 
          Obsessed with being someone you’re not, over someone you don’t know , acting like a stranger. 
          Until it starts killing you slowly, it gets you and there’s no going back. 
          And the obsession turns into regret, back to hatred and then nothing. 
          Going numb to an unendurable feeling to an unending adventure that you ought to suffer from. 

I have these random urges and intrusive thoughts which compel me to just stop. just stop and let whatever which is left still left inside me burn. burn with a fire of self loathe, remorse, and trepidation with a dazzling flame of my ignorance. until it douses off with the lingering essence of bliss. 

Trying so hard to protect my peace and stay away from things which fucks with my mind. Then why do I keep going back to it? Into the hollow pool of nothingness? The shallow splotch of darkness? Why do I end up feeding my demons, all the fucking time? It's cause I love the mind numbing after effects of it. I'm an addict of my own destruction. It's both my salvation and damnation.