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@gulmohar4444 heh thank u

"yes the journal factory did in fact explode not only did it explode all the journals also went extinct"

to clarify i can't replace the memories of my past bitch paramour because that isn't real i had the rebounds and it didn't do jackshit i realize it sounds stupid because that's what everyone says but in the moment when you're experiencing a breakup at 19 you think it's the only logical and natural next step but anyways i can verify now it doesn't work i guess it's about the memories fading or it's about this i can understand it this way the way i read someone understanding grief wherein the grief or sadness or sorrow is a ball of hot and hurtful emotion and it's in this really small container and so it's an obvious weight and it makes a lot of noise in there and takes up all the space but gradually you are able to increase the size of the container by living your life and learning about your self and other people and ideas and stuff and the container gets bigger and bigger until the ball is barely noticeable

because if the boyfriend i so loved so loyally to the extent of self-betrayal can leave me then i might as well annoying and bitchy and whiney and selfish and critical and judgemental and angry and self-involved and rashly opinionated and pretentious and i might as well love pop music like ariana grande and sabrina carpenter and tell everyone about it and have a child-like attachment to the way i want things done and have a meltdown easily and tell people to fuck themselves more and etc etc etc etc right like i might as well be memorable for being any of these things than be forgotten for being so lovely and sweet and adorable and kind and forgiving and helpful and acquiescant and understanding and mediating and such fuckshit and such fuckshit and such fuckshit

i bought some clothes and paid in cash and ive been drinking homemade smoothies and i had a really fucked up sex dream and i am watching girls and keep googling lena dunham and my sleeping time is upside down and i havent smoked a cigarette in 4 weeks now and haven't had sex with anyone in 4.5 months and im unemployed since sunday and ill be becoming a bachlors degree haver soon and i really want to go to nepal and i keep thinking about my ex and imagining the person he will date next or is dating i wouldnt know ive cut him clean out of my life and if its a girl i imagine she'll be like a really pretty black or brown girl who does really nice lip makeup and has a dark vibe going on and maybe she skateboards or something but shes not built like a skateboarder typically is so its even cooler and i was journaling for neuroplasticity as is one of my 10 april goals and i wrote that i only think about my ex because he hurt me so much it affected my self esteem in a way im not able to overcome fully so far and because i havent unhoused the memories of his face body voice skin opinions dick from my head with new memories and i can venture to say he is likely doing better than me because he dumped me anyways and also because he is in fucking czechslovakia and doesn't need to remember how i lived only 3 minutes away from him and we went to every single place i knew in the city that he hadn't been to because he was so friendless and depressed and im actually not sad really im just tired and bored and annoyed and i think going to nepal and then later moving out from my parents house will fix me also wearing cute clothes and making a whole new circle of friends will fix me but i say that half-seriously because as i grow older (ill be 21 in november) i realize that im unfixable and so is everyone else and so for may one of my goals will be to express everything wrong with me VERY shamelessly because

!!!!!!!!

@777sija oh dear the dirtiness they associate with desire ,, the pretense of purity because u are abstaining from everything . it's sickening!

there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel good. nothing wrong with searching for that feeling. nothing wrong with writing something to feel good. nothing wrong with going to that which is good. nothing wrong with pleasure and joy and delight and fun. we should go to those things. we should find those things. even the phrasing that includes 'wrong' falls so terribly short. 
            
            author of persepolis saying in an interview that western society is too obsessed with being right being correct being optimal and efficient. dont smoke and dont eat buttery bread and (now, increasingly) dont fuck . yes ill die from the smoking sooner rather than later but in the meanwhile im going to enjoy smoking. yes ill increase my cholestrol with the buttery bread but ill enjoy the buttery bread and maybe with my friend and maybe ill fuck that friend and enjoy that too. you know. you know what i mean. .. why would i be ashamed.