misstymunch

I'm having a "it's my party and I'll cry if I want too" moment

Happy birthday to me yey

Why did this suddenly become my safe place

Quick question!
          Ok so lately I have been nervous about my grades and did some things..
          
          I entered a prestigious school and it was obviously full of smart kids. I was not used to it. I was always at first place, but now I'm second. For some reason that bottled up some hate. I started studying more and when that didn't work I did some terrible things that I know are unforgivable. I started to bring others down like bringing down their self esteem and confidence. 
          
          So is this a mental illness or should I confess?

I feel.. like all my effort has gone to waste 
          
          What if I'm in second place again?
          What if she beats me again?
          Are my grades 97 again?
          Will my parents celebrate with me?
          What if I get something lower than 97?
          What if I failed my finals?
          Will my parents even care about my grades and effort?
          
          What if..
          She never comes back?
          What if she believes her new friends over me?
          What if her friends hate me?
          Will she believe me?
          Does she really hate me?
          Will my best friend come back?
          Was switching schools a bad idea?
          Should I have just stayed at a private school?
          Does she despise me?
          
          Maybe..
          I should've just stayed quiet?
          I should've just stopped talking about my life?
          I should've known she was adding things to my story?
          I should've known she was backstabbing me?
          
          Am I..
          Really appreciated?
          Really being respected?
          Really smart?
          Really a disappointment?
          Really a f**king a-hole for trusting you?
          
          Do I..
          Really deserve to be a leader?
          Really deserve to be first place?
          Really need my parents attention?
          Really need high grades?
          
          DOES BEING PERFECT ALL I HAVE TO BE!?
          why can't they just stop their work and spend time to me?
          If I become them will they accept me?
          If I became my cousin with 99 and 100 grades will they spend time with me?
          Is it really hard to say good morning or good night to me?
          
          We may live in the same roof but we don't talk or speak to each other.
          
          Does reputation and money matter more than your own daughter?
          
          For fuck sake it's almost my birthday but it seems like you entirely forgot it..

3 DAYS!!

Hmm.. What if my parents are busy with their companies to come to the mall with me on November 30??

I'm bored and I want to cry

4 days..

10 days