Meagan

im sorry. you know who you are. i am sorry i treated you like shit. im sorry that i blamed everything on you. all you were doing was trying to help me but i didnt want it so i pushed you away. i made you feel unwanted. i lied to you, said i made everything up but in reality i didnt. i made you feel so bad that i told u that i lied. and your heart sank. how could you believe me? how could you trust me. i remember exactly one year ago i was texting you telling you my family hated me. you helped me calm down before i could do anything. and now. i see you smiling. i see you laughing. i see you happy when im the farthest from happy i have ever been. i guess the sacrifice of my happiness fed ur happiness. and as long as you are happy i can feel like i didnt screw up. except ik i did and i regret it everyday. you know who you are and i am DEEPLY sorry. 

fuck this whole society. i messed up. i ruined friendships with the people i love and the people i care about. now i see them walking down the hallways and my heart sinks. they are happier without me, but am i really happier without them? the answer is no. bot only do i miss them but i regret everything i said to them. they were kind and didn't deserve my hatred. i was rude, a bitch and i messed up. i messed everything up. 

apparently to my grandpa my sister is his #1. im nothing. he told me i was a legit pain in the ass then he punched me knowing it was hurting and he just walked away laughing. love my life guys... :|

i didnt really eat all day. my sister stabbed with a knife three times. and my dad criticized my weight all day. my mom was a flipping bitch. so i had a pretty fantastic day...
          
          ya know once you put yourself down in ur head its pretty easy not to eat. in september i was 5ft 4in and weighed 99lbs. now its june and im barely 5ft 5in and i weigh 115lbs. so its pretty easy not to eat. 

i hate my dad. and i mean it i HATE him. once her told me when my family had problems, well we still do, but he came into my room kicked me and told me i was the reason this family was a mess. my sister heard and i told my mom. she asked my dad and he lied and said no. then my mom called me a liar. today my mom called me a liar. today my dad told me i was too lazy. he told me that i should stop eating because i was fat. ik im fat my sister has told me that for as long as i can remember but my dad told me. so i dont want to eat anymore. i want to starve myself. i wish my dad was dead. is that mean, i dont care, i wish he was because he told me he hates me, hes told me im a liar, hes told me im the problem my parents almost got divorced, hes told me that im a fuck up, hes told me i shouldnt have been born. im a twin so technically i wasnt supposed to be born. my sister was born before me, she looks more like the family. so hell ik i shouldnt have been born. they told me they only wanted two kids which would have been lindsey, not me. im a fuck up and my dad has said so. so no i dont give a flipping fuck if he dies today. i hope e does actually. i wouldnt be sad. all we do is fight so i dont care. I HOPE HE DIES! and i will NEVER regret saying
          
          i. hate. him. and. i. hope. he. dies. 

lol after four week I updated! go me! hope ya like the chapter it kinda sucks ass but hey! I updated! and the next chapter will be updated shortly it is gonna be a good one, lol maybe intimate but who cares. lol yolo. lol who even says that anymore. lol. but ill keep yall posted on whats to come !!! ahh im so happy! lol i should probs get out of bed now but who cares lol. 

all i do is apologize and im sorry. see there i do it again. what else am i supposed to do. no one apologizes to me. no one give a fuck so why should i. 

just kidding it only posed once. gosh im stupid

i dont know why that posted twice

im sorry that i ask stupid questions. im sorry that i am so stupid. im only human and i make mistakes. im sorry for what ive done to everyone in my lifetime. 
          
          im sorry tht i asked you a stupid question, chaya. im sorry that i just wanted someone to talk to. im sorry that you are the only one who understood. im sorry you had to know me. im sorry you ever became friends with a fuck up like me. im sorry that i wanted the same thing as you: death. im sorry that i though if i had someone else who understood they wouldnt stop me and we wouldnt be caught. that we could just die. im sorry killing myself is what i want more that life,more than anything. i dont want to live one an earth without you. i dont want to live one an earth where ill be know as someone who could of done something: a coward. im sorry im the fuck up bitch who cared.
          
          and for anyone out there who i have hurt or who have hurt me, heres your wish. youre all dead to me so ill make it easy and literally be dead to you.