mmarah_

my life feels basically broken.  despite all laughter and happiness outside, inside is a broken and crying girl who wishes everything could go back to normal and that sometimes people weren't so stubborn. 
          my life looks like a fairytale, sounds like a fairytale and all but none don't know the struggles she has.  powering through the dreadful high school is her tiny little figure trying to feel better during the battles of mental health.  world war I has begun again.  
          she can't but she can pretend to smile and act as if nothing bothers her.  telling her questioning friends know it's just social anxiety. or that she's afraid of exams.  every joke she tells and laughter she spreads, are all cries for help and love.  she doesn't need attention, she doesn't want attention but what she wants is her family to be whole once more.  hearing suicidal thoughts and self-harm triggers her memory and makes her afraid to say anything to stop one from doing so.   little did everybody know that she too, once thought of taking that pathway but her life had turned upside down for the better, with thoughts of actually getting somewhere better in the beautiful life she was given because that's not the only direction things can go as the tunnel hasn't ended yet.  for only the lord above can tell you the time.. 

friends. something you lose and gain,
          here and there, i feel the pain. 
          
          i wonder if people actually like me.. for me, 
          or are they just pretending and being a b* . 
          i don't like that thought, no.
          but something can't be helped without putting on a show. 
          
          evil, evil, evils and stares,
          people all have their crazy lairs. 
          sane, insane, millions to share,
          there's true love here.. but do you have some there? 
          
          trust issues, more tissues and life's in care,
          what do i do when there's some to bare. 
          talk, no talk, more gossip galore, 
          there's too many bodies on the floor. 
          broken from your love, 
          what's left, no more. 
          
          it's crazy how love can turn you aroun', 
          makin you spin all up and down.  
          it's crazy how love can make you so white, 
          it's funny how some, never see the light.  
          
          he loves me, he loves me not,
          make your mind you before its tied in a knot. 
          tic tac toe, gimme a high, gimme a low, 
          let's see how far that'll go. 
          
          if life's worth living then you'll find the love, 
          for only i can only see and tell from above..

here we are today, 
          sitting lonely in the hallway. 
          
          watching as couples walk down,
          looking bright and cheery when they look at me frown. 
          celebrating their love on this very special day,
          we're out here watching the footy in dismay. 
          
          red, red everywhere, 
          look at me sit so lonely black bear. 
          music music, 
          music and love, 
          for today will be the day i shine above. 
          
          angel, angel brought me here,
          i will for always be so near.  
          in your heart somewhere close, 
          no one will know just throes. 
          
          it pains my heart to see you with him, 
          for i'm the one hitting the gym. 
          he doesn't try, he doesn't care
          but im the one with the life so bare. 
          
          lonely as my heart desires,
          you're the one by far expired. 
          need to get rid of you but don't know how, 
          I'll always see you end with a bow. 
          
          thanking everyone here and there, 
          im trying to find someone with love to share. 
          i cannot fathom life without you, 
          but i can't just sit here and think about it too. 
          
          see, I've been waiting here for years,
          but you havent noticed me so comes tears. 
          things don't make sense, 
          you don't seem happy, 
          kinda more like so sappy. 
          
          why are you with him? 
          why do care? 
          he just treats you like you're air. 
          if it were me, 
          I'd be loving you like you're QBee. 
          Loving so wild, wild and free. 
          
          there's no point in this, 
          why do I try?
          why do I feel the sudden urge to cry? 
          sounds like time to give up? 
          there's no reason to interrupt. 
          
          it's only been about eleven years..
          it's time to say goodbye, goodbye my dears..

i need a gun, to kill a man. 
          the one who made me, who I am. 
          
          it's just a joke made for fun.
          desperately craving a custard bun. 
          
          need to know if you're real or fake. 
          are you ready for me to take? 
          
          jokes jokes here we go again.
          im just completely bored and have too much on brain. 
          hence that is why I keep speaking all in vain. 
          
          in a different way,
          this is how we find things to say. 
          
          rhyme, rhyme
          too much time. 
          
          now 24/7 always times two..
          that's how many hours i've spent on you!!

Hope. Something I lost long ago. I had hoped that maybe one day he'll feel the same about me.. but we all know he doesn't. He said himself. My friends all tell me that I “shouldn't lose hope” but what the point in having it? Yeah, having hopes and wishing for the best is one of the steps to positivity and a good life but this... this feels different.
          
          Why do I have to concern myself with all these dramas and boy issues? I'm a single lady, I should be embracing life and everything it has to offer, I should be living my life to the fullest bc as a great person once said “Twenty years from now, you will more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did.” 
          
          Maybe one day I'll regain that hope and belief when it comes to this kind of love but for now, I haven't and that's okay because I realise now that the world isn't over and as long as you can live your life to the fullest you'll always carry more than one kind of love and hope with you. 
          Do o regret having these feelings for him?  No, no I do not because for the first time i know my feelings are genuine and I don't have anything holding me back from it. Having these feelings for him makes me laugh and smile because sometimes.. This kind of love makes you feel crazy and do crazy things. 
          
          “ʟɪғᴇ ɪs sʜᴏʀᴛ. ʙʀᴇᴀᴋ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴜʟᴇs. ғᴏʀɢɪᴠᴇ ǫᴜɪᴄᴋʟʏ. ᴋɪss sʟᴏᴡʟʏ. ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴛʀᴜʟʏ. ʟᴀᴜɢʜ ᴜɴᴄᴏɴᴛʀᴏʟʟᴀʙʟʏ ᴀɴᴅ ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ʀᴇɢʀᴇᴛ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴍᴀᴋᴇs ʏᴏᴜ sᴍɪʟᴇ.” ~ Mark Twain

2am. I can't stop thinking about how close we used to be. We came so far.. who would've thought that one fight... could cost us everything and it's all because of a joke that was unknowingly harmful. ( ‘︿’ )
          
          We used be friends.. then BEST friends, even closer... and now.. are we even friends anymore..? I miss you. 
          
          I can't stand it when I see those girls surrounding you when you're sad, upset and mostly all the time.. happy. Everytime I go to apologise, it's like they know my thoughts and magically appear in his way. Distracting him. 
          
          It's all my fault. I know it is. I wish everything had went back to the way it was. I hope i can see you someday. Maybe one day.. for I miss you dear little brother. I hate the way things ended. Though I will.. FOREVER, cherish our memories. 
          
          
          
          
          I am truly sorry but I know it was a beautiful blessing to have someone like you in my life. 
          
          
          
          [ the end. ]

I stare through her glistening eyes; hurt.. tears.. and heartbreak. She tries.. but she had tried so hard, she's finally given up. The most beautiful soul I once saw, the most beautiful soul I once met and will forever love, is taken because of the devil who stole her heart. She sees him everyday at school, with another girl.. sometimes more than one but their relationships are different, a 'just friends' different.. compared to that one other girl. When she hears the way he speaks to her and the way she speaks back, it's just another stab in the heart, though she's learnt not to care anymore because for HE not only broke her heart but he had broke the soul of THE most loveliest girl I have ever met. She thought he loved her but oh boy was she wrong..
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          because EVERYONE knows not to fall in love with a player.