mxixmxnix

im so tired of everything. school, friends, living. it's getting old.

mxixmxnix

Feelings are a dumb thing.. I should be happy that he's making time for me and wanting to play with me and Ghassio, but something about the time we spend together now is somewhat bittersweet. Nothing is ever going to be as it was. He was there, playing tonight, yes, but he was also occupied with someone else's conversations. I feel like we never have time for just us-- which is stupid, he's not my boyfriend, he's just my best friend. But still. While we were playing val, he was having a conversation with someone and not paying any attention to the game. That's not very fair for me or the person he was talking to because neither of us got his undivided attention. So I decided to just leave the call and play quietly on my own. What's the point of talking or being on call when I'm not going to be heard anyway. It seems that every time I talk to my friends now, my feelings are getting hurt. And it's not their fault, it's just how life is. Life is busy, I get that. I'm not blaming anyone, I'm just writing out how I feel in a blog where no one will read it.

mxixmxnix

I'm happy to see all my friends having their own lives and expanding on their horizons, but here I am once again, feeling like I'm left behind. Like I'm stuck where I've always been. Everyone has plans, everyone has dreams- everyone but me. My friends are turning into wonderful people (not that they weren't already wonderful people), but one day they're going to be wonderful people without me. We won't have our inside jokes, we won't remember the random moments in Dr. Morris' class, we won't remember the nagging from Otto. I'm going to be left behind. And it scares me. It's stupid, but I feel that way. I'm going to watch them flourish while I'm going to be all on my own. I don't want that. I wish we could always stay in touch, but I doubt that's going to happen. My life has suddenly shifted. I just have to deal with that now.

mxixmxnix

things have already changed a lot since college started... i can't expect my friend group to stay together but of course i hope for it. unfortunately it isn't realistic... conor said we'd call today but we didn't. he also said we would play valorant but we didn't. things have already changed. we're growing apart. we're not surviving the 4 years. and that's okay, i guess. i don't want to hold him back. he's got to do his own thing.