Mango

i have changed my mind no book no write just no sleep

YO THIS SHIT IS GOOD I SHOULD BE AN AUTHOR LMAO

that moment when you log into an account on a platform you haven’t used in over a year to read p0rn (just fOR FuNsiES tho i swear)and end up getting really sentimental about a community you used to feed off of in a good way and spent many hours of your life writing half-decent fanfiction and realize that you regret 2 years of your life and are then crushed by the fact that you gave up on a book that you still think truly has potential because you believe you are “better that this” even though you recently started having suicidal thoughts again, so, pretty much anything would be better that the mental state that you are currently in, not to mention the fact that you are most likely being groomed because you are certain that a 15 and 18 year-old shouldn’t be dating but you’ve been together for 6 months and have been questioning the legality of your relationship for the entire duration of it and now aren’t really sure what to think anymore? cause yeah me neither.

yes i am going insane, thanks for asking. honestly im just really bored and needed something to entertain my tiny monkey brain and i happened to randomly think about wattpad for some reason. recently the months and the days have become so blurred. not in a depressing way it’s just that i have memories from this app that feel like yesterday but also my whole fanfic phase (da whole ass thing those whole 2 fuckin years) feels like it ended a year ago. so yea this kinda feels like opening some ancient vault (insert borderlands reference here) of memories. i don’t need to look at my books or my reading lists to have flashbacks, i remember everything about them and i don’t think i’ll forget for a long ass time. if you’ve read all this (congrats on wasting your time) you can probably tell how bittersweetly i view this app. like.. i miss it but i also wish i never even searched it up all those years ago to read a little story a small youtuber i used to watch made (they don’t upload anymore:c) then i curiously searched up i think just swaggersouls, some smallish youtuber i had just found accidentally after watching jameskii’s ugandan knuckles video. yup, the classic. then slowly getting invested into the famdom, and eventually making some mutuals (sorry i speak twitter dunno what ya use here) and my own username after my favorite ship (EEEWW) and then during the 7th grade (jesus so long ago) started writing. at this point my mental, and then physical health started to deteriorate. i began to crave attention and i *knew* i could get it though this app. so i posted and deleted and tried. i tried so hard to make it perfect. but it was no use because in the end growth takes time. but how i roll i get determined and will work my ass off and if that doesn’t work, i give up- i gave up. then i remember clearly that determination coming back twice, but always eventually leaving me. (just like ur dad) then i just read mostly and my health went so far downhill so unbelievably fast-

look at my previous convo pls. bye guys, see ya never i guess. -yours truly, Em (also it’s 3:30 and that’s why i decided to pop in and say one last goodbye, because i have been staying up to attempt to compete with my friend who lives in denmark who goes to bed at like 9 in the morning and now i am concerned about my baby’s sleep schedule and wow am i gonna write my entire life story as to why i am making some final send off that no one actually cares about, and if you do honestly im kinda judging you right now because you’re  gonna read like 1.5k characters at this point for what? because you want me to write fanfiction about people who i used to look up to as role models and still indulge in watching to this day. wow i might be reaching for over 2k. what the frIcK did i want to say? oh yea, i hate fanfic and am NOT silently judging you. i’m doin it loud and proud. good day, and i hope you may soon abandon this hobby)

Please come back, Boi-

im deleting wattpad off my phone in a couple minutes, i just wanna post something ive been working on for a couple months, it was kind of like a one shot (i’ve been using this app consistently for a year and still don’t know what words mean what lmao) so feel free to steal it, goodbye for now old friends <3

hi, i can’t vent this anywhere else so yeah, sorry if this is random asf.
          
          basically im bi and i just spent this weekend (sat-mon) with my friend and 4 total people ended up going (including myself) i met this girl she’s kinda cute ngl. so in the hot tub we basically played footsie the whole time and it was kinda cute, then i found out she has a boyfriend. my brain went “ok never mind l8r loser, i shouldn’t like her” then the next day, sunday, we went on a boat, it was pretty cool  especially since we cuddled the entire time, wait... no.. don’t... yep I did. then we cuddled while playing card games at the end of the day. then we cuddled and watched a movie. then we slept in the same bed (nothing happened btw) i planned on cuddling in bed then my brain went “no that’s illegal” so i didn’t and now i kinda... regret not doing that? i. don’t. under. stand. how. i. feel.
          
          so anyone who read that all willing to spare any advice? because i just feel like im overthinking it, or just being oblivious, or just some other stupid thing. and basically i feel dumb and confused, the best way to feel. : )

Also just so I remember I need to change the ages in bb racc, mason and jay are sophomores, toby and smit are juniors and the rest are seniors, also swags and matty are 18, (I’m literally so pissed  I can’t even change the description, not epic)

I just want to tell any who reads my books that my phone is broken so I can’t write at all. (I don’t have a computer) I’m trying to keep reading peoples stuff, like on my moms tablet or my Dad’s phone (I’m on that right now) but I can’t write, so sorry for this long asf break but I don’t know when I can get back to writing, sorry guys. I’ve had so many issues and breaks and I’m really sorry.