I feel so overbearing and annoying, like I can't do anything to save my life. I feel pathetic, I feel stupid, I feel insignificant, I feel stuck. Lately, weed is the only coping mechanism I have-- not because it distracts me from the chud I've become, but because I remember I don't actually care. Im the biggest quitter out there. I quit trying with school, I quit staying clean, I quit socializing, I quit trying for a future, I quit on my self-appearance, I quit talking back, I quit. And I know that this will all eventually lead me to end up like the man I've tried avoiding, I just don't care enough anymore. I don't care that people only see me for my sabotage, I don't care that people only see me for my lies, I don't care that people only think of my life as a name I dont even go by anymore, I dont care. I desperately want to get away from any ties to anyone ever, and have me erased from their minds. No one needs me like I need them, and in turn, I feel spiteful, like I dont need them either. When I know I do. I've always been a petty person though, I'm the real sore-loser. I think, maybe if I managed to run away fast and far enough, people won't even care to chase after. I wish I could just erase myself from existence, I've burdened every single person I've shared paths with, and I dont care how cringe that is. I'm so embarrassed of how I look, just coming out of my room to use the bathroom feels like torture. I know no matter what I do, it won't be to anyone's standards so I don't even try. I remember the days I was forced to go to school, id end up in the same bathroom stall, with the same dismantled razors. One day, I wanted to see if anyone really cared. So I rolled my sleeves up, to see if anyone would notice the blood staining my arm warmers. It got to a point where I could hardly move without writhing with pain. My sides, my ankles, my thighs, my wrists, my legs, all littered with the proof of my incompetence. Crazy to think that was only in September.
