mynzisTHElynz

@mynzisTHElynz I'm insufferable 

@mynzisTHElynz nor do I really want to, I think. Maybe it's just an illusion of choice my brain plagues me with. 

@mynzisTHElynz please say so, I can't take it much more. And I've been saying that for years, one day my final straw is going to be given out and my presence will be nothing to rely on except for stupid shit I carried sentimental value over that no one cares about, I really have accomplished nothing and I'm already crying about how "hard my life is" htutdjsk shjt uppp andu

I miss having a dad, I miss being important to someone. I know the things he said weren't true, he was just grooming me, but sue me, I miss my dad. Or maybe I just miss being the victim. I'm more like my dad than I'll ever admit, and I worry that one day I'll be a spitting image. An ugly, horrific image. I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. Three years have gone by and I still miss you as much as i did when I last saw your face and I knew it was the last time I'd ever see you. You wouldn't make an effort to be in my life, I knew it. And I made peace with it, but it still stings. I don't like thinking about the things you say about me to everyone else. It was always someone else's fault, never ever your's and you made a point of that. And I'm afraid once I learn how you speak of me and deform me in your mind to keep the rhetoric of your pride going, I'll never be able to get back up. I'm scared, I'm so scared. With me being more open about these things, there are more consequences than it does any liberties. Mom is a strong woman and she can't see past herself in situations like these. I love her to death but she's something, man. I'm scared that someday cps are going to interview you and you're going to hate me even more than you do already. I've breached your care and trust and I've done nothing but make things difficult for everyone. I've broken our promise and everything I've once stood for. And what's crazy is IM the victim, YOU sexually abused me, YOU took away my mother's livelihood and left her a barren woman, YOU are the reason my sister is so educationally behind and the reason behind nearly all her mental struggles, YOU YOU YOU used us for legal fraud and only saw us as dollar signs, YOU are contributor fundamentally behind my executive dysfunction and why I feel so alienated amongst anyone in the existence of always. why do I feel so ashamed every little thing I do, why does it all lead back to you. Why can't you just leave me alone

My entire life, up until that point, my family had threatened my safety and advocacy for it. Every time my father was angry, he'd scream at me until he felt better. He'd scream about how much he hates the world, how much he hates his own father, the hate he has for every living being, how we deserve to die and humanity doesn't mean anything. And he'd threaten me, saying he might as well go blow off everyone's heads off before he does his own, he said that a lot. All I could think about in those moments was my baby sister and her little body being lifeless, cold, and dull with her tiny features completely removed from her just because my father had a bad day. I think about the fear she'd feel when daddy brings a gun to her head. I resented my father for making me think of that. I still get nightmares about it..  I used to be terrified about going to sleep as a kid, I used to hide under my bed until the morning. I wasn't strong, I was malnourished and shorter than 4'7 until I had hit 14. I could be overpowered easily, but I still needed to do that ritual until I felt safe enough to sleep. So when everything with my family after my mom has arrived to save me and my sister, I was completely losing my mind. I don't think I've ever felt so scared since. I thought my grandfather was going to kill me, in fact the police have evidence of him threatening mrder-scide on the household to my mother. And after it all, a few minutes before my mom was able to pick me and my sister up, I had to cradle my dad and promise him I wouldn't prosecute against him. His biggest fear is going to jail, and deep down I still care. I still flinch at the thought of him crying during these late nights. I wonder if he thinks about me just as much as I think about him. I miss our nights together, he wasn't the best dad but he was alright once you got a few beers in him. I miss his voice, I miss his guidance, i miss him. Sometimes. 

@mynzisTHElynz dad isn't in my life anymore. Yk I was the one who decided to live with my mom after being groomed my entire life. He was a fearful man and I think he only had kids to justify and fill his loneliness. I would almost feel bad for him if he wasn't the reason behind so many of my struggles. The night we left, it was a warm night. We had just eaten shitty commercialized Chinese takeout that was from a local restaurant nearby. I didn't eat much, there was already tension in the house between me and my grandparents. I hadn't told them my mother was driving to pick me and my sister up until she had already reached our front door. They were LIVID, absolutely PISSED. My grandfather would've beat me had he gotten the opportunity. My grandfather called the police on my mother and they were outside the home until my father had gotten home from the gas station (?? I believe, he was somewhere out in the world before he realized all the drama that was taking place on our lawn.) he was even more mad than my grandparents were. 

@mynzisTHElynz HMMMMM

@mynzisTHElynz but I'll try 

I was in the ICU overnight. They thought I was going to die. My aunt held me and said she didn't know what to do. I was in shock, so I just nodded. I pat her back and ask for her forgiveness. "I didn't think it would do all this." I spend the next two and a half weeks in hospital. The first four days was in the recovery unit, and the next two weeks I was in the adolescents mental unit. I think that was the only time in my life I had ever felt completely safe. My mom argued with me over the phone my first night, i cry until I start dry heaving. My aunt doesn't call me. I write in the shitty journals and the deconstructed pens they give you. To keep going, the only thing I write is about the guy I like. A coping skill I still carry, it helps to have a reminder that there's still positive feelings to chase outside of everything.

 I hate crying in front of people, I hate having to explain myself when I'm crying, I hate having to gather my sanity and swallow my pride just to avoid ghe simpliest confrontation. In my room I cried, I cried so hard it hurt to look at anything. And I took two more pills, then four, eight, sixteen, and then the entire bottle. It contained Tylenol, aspirin, and I believe ibuprofen all in one. My body shook and I wiped the spggy mascara that clung to my eyelashes. And deep down, I felt a feeling of relief. It was over. They would finally understand why I do the things I do, not because I'm a bad kid but because I just needed someone to hold me and tell me it was going to be alright. I even fixed up my tear-stained makeup. I never left my room without makeup, I felt worthless if I didnt have any level of sex value. I laid in my bed and stared at my window. At some point all I could think was how sorry they all would be for abandoning me. Just prove to them that I was as mentally ill as I said I was, I was scared and I had no idea how to care for myself because of how much I struggled with life. If I had been so unbearable, if I was such a low-life, then I didnt want to see my 15th birthday. I clung to my pillow and cried. I held my hair and braided it, pretending it was my mom. It was short and choppy but it was me. But my mom wasn't there. My aunt wasn't there. My dad wasn't there. No one was there except for me. I'm the only person who's been there for me. And even then I wasn't doing a good job. I got up, the first steps felt like jello. I heard a loud ringing in my ear that continued to get louder. Until I had trached the toilet and regurgitated everything I had took. I told my aunt, and she took me to the ER. There, they assessed that they couldnt help me as they didn't have the right equipment or staff to help. A helicopter flew out and took me from Soldotna to Anchorage in an hour. 

@mynzisTHElynz Eighth period rolls by (the last period of the day.) I was dreading it. A guy who had a thing for me was in that class and he had sent me his dick over text a few weeks prior at this moment. I sat at the front of the class. Algebra 1 and 2 is the only kind of math I understand. I was an A student in that class-- honestly, I was kind of a try hard with how much I enjoyed it. I used to ask for extra pamphlets just for the hell of it. We had a sub and we were moving on from that course in math. I took two more pills. I didn't retain a word of that class on account I was having a panic attack. Kids threw erasers at my head. I excuse myself out of class early, cry in the bathroom until the final bell rings for the day. My aunt was probably waiting outside for me, and so was the most gut-wrenching lecture to ever exist. I took two more pills and sigh before typing a quick goodbye on my stupid social media. I wish I would've said more. I remember my aunt's soft face looking so stern, and I couldn't help but shake. I had to physically hold myself to stop. My uncle and aunt were disappointed in me. I was almost 15 and acting this way in their household. I did know better. Every source of human connection I had was through my phone. The only thing keeping me sane was being able to text my friends and my other best friend at the time I had a huge crush on. And when they said they'd be returning my phone

WE were 

@mynzisTHElynz well i guess three months, we were institutionalized in the beginning of March maybe idk 

@mynzisTHElynz over three years of attending therapy and look where I am