nanakakuroi

I’m not poetic, 
          I’m not beautiful, 
          I’m not who I want to be. 
          

I won’t be doing this again 

No one knows that I read your words over and over, as some sort of lullaby to lull me to sleep.

Is it bad I can’t remember? 
          Because I wouldn’t know the difference if you made something up. 
          Even if I knew it was false, chances are, I’d believe it anyway because I’d want it to be true. 
          
          I’m sorry, but I’m going to keep this to myself, because as much as I hate doctors for taking people away from me, I’m even more scared of being the one to get taken. I’m sorry that I lied and said I would, I just can’t. It’s too painful. 
          
          Hopefully in the morning, I’ll rise again, this time with a memory that can last us.

Jesus Christ. 
          My days get longer, and my memory shorter. 
          If only I had seen earlier, maybe I wouldn’t have made you worry like that. 
          I say ‘Jesus fucking Christ ‘ out of habit now because of you, and sometimes I read things with your voice in my head, and then, I feel a little less lonely.

Help me forget. 
          I don’t care how, 
          Make it so I can’t remember this city’s name.

I’m finding it hard to function without you.
          Please, 
          Please for fuck’s sake 
          Just please be okay

Hahahaha fuck here I go spiraling down again. Maybe I should try harder to be independent, maybe I should care less, maybe I should start over. 
          

Suggested reads: Margaret Atwood 
          
          Specifically:
          • The Handmaid's Tale
          • The Blind Assassin
          • Alias Grace
          • The Robber Bride
          • Stone Mattress 

Suggested reads: Ren Hang (My Depression) 
          (Also his photography, I like it very much, I cannot much explain why though) 
          
          
          Original Chinese, website includes his work:
          http://renhang.org/My-Depression
          
          English translation:
          http://www.thechronicle.ro/arts-culture/world-premiere-ren-hangs-journal-of-depression/
          
          (He has done some photos for Frank Ocean's magazine if you're interested)