pastel_girl

I'm going to post a bunch if old drafts and try to start up writing again
          
          Wish me luck

Hello everyone, I'm so sorry I've been so inactive lately I was in a really bad relationship and just kept crawling back into his lap even when he hurt me I feel into a really bad mental state and lost all motivation for the projects I was working on.
          I'm doing much better now.
          
          I'm with someone new! :)
          Someone who had always been there for me and I've always had a huge crush on
          He motivates me
          He encourages me
          He gives me inspiration and is always willing to help me.
          
          School is doing a lot better.
          I'm in this new creative writing class they added. I think I might post some of my assignments when I get a chance to 
          We got a new theater teacher and she has really gotten my creativity flowing
          I'm hanging out with friends I barely spoke to last year and I think it's really helping.
          My grades are a lot better so far so I don't think I'll be too busy with school
          
          I might start posting a bit, get some stories started but I might wate a little and get a bit of a backlog started before that just in case. :)

I miss him 
          He fucked with my emotions then he got bored but I miss smiling 
          He made me smile more than ever before
          I haven't even been able to force one since I got dumped
          I miss his voice
          I miss his touch 
          I miss his jokes 
          I miss his smile
          I miss feeling loved 
          I miss feeling wanted 
          I thought I was over him
          But fuck I miss him so much
          Improbably just lonely 
          "Thair are plenty of other fish in the sea" 
          Fuck off I'm shit at fishing
          I fall asleep when I get a bite and when I do catch one they get bored of me 
          I'm scared of being alone but I do this to myself
          I'm just going to be forgotten
          Lost to the sands of time before I'm even gone
          I'm just going to die quietly and unknown
          Why can't I stop feeling so fucking alone

Oh yeah, and I have been having horrible nightmares for almost a week now. Its why I was up so late in the first place I want to go cry in a corner I shouldn't go to sleep in my current mental state or it's going to get worse but eavem if i did I wouldn't be able to 

Tw self-harm (i think), cussing. idk 
          
          
          
          I just had 4 mental breakdowns and an anxiety attack all back to back...
          I needed to vent to someone about it but one of the reasons would have fucked up someone's relationship if I went to the friend normally go to...
          so I went to a different friend...
          spoiler they made it worse 
          They kept talking about how my boyfriend is going to cheat on me and how he's a horrible person and that he will just hurt me...
          So that didn't go well...
          And then before I even got a chance to calm down my boyfriend texts me about how he and one of my friends got into a huge fight ... Again ... So now I have to keep my friend from murdering my boyfriend and my boyfriend from hurting my friend all while having a mental breakdown and panicking because I'm bleeding and I don't know why or when or how so I'm dying...
          Oh and this was 2 minutes ago
          It's 3 fucking am
          How the fuck was your night 

Guss who just got a boyfriend (≧▽≦)

Sometimes I want to cry,
          It stopped for a while...
          It's back
          I feel empty and emotional...
          Rn, I just want affection and sleep,
          Two things ill never get 

fuck why is it so hard to act normal around him

Feelings are confusing...
          
          I have this friend,
          He's warm, funny, affectionate...
          His smile makes my heart skip a beat,
          His touch makes me melt.
          He always smells like cigarettes and blood...
          I never would have guessed the smell of cigarettes and blood would make me feel so safe,
          But here we are...
          Not to sound dermatic...
          But when he's around I feel complete,
          He makes me feel all fuzzy and warm,
          When he's not around I feel empty...
          Like something is missing,
          I know I sound cheesy af but he makes me feel whole...
          Why is this so confusing...
          I don't even know why I bother...
          He has a girlfriend,
          He's out of my league...
          Even if I do like him,
          I'd rather be warm in his arms platonically,
          Thain awkwardly rejected...
          Am I being selfish?
          Do I even like him?
          He's why I get out of bed in the mornings...
          We can talk for hours and time seems to stop...
          His smile keeps me going...
          When I don't get to see him my heart sinks...
          But do I love him?
          Like more than platonically?
          Why is this so fucking confusing???
          Every time I hear myself talk about him my other friends make fun of me...
          fuck I wish I could talk about this with one of them but if I do and i do end up coming to the conclusion I like him...
          It might ruin our friendship...
          I can't stand the idea of losing him...
          I hate feelings...
          I really hope my friends dont still have my Wattpad...
          I should stick to only ranting about this shit on my Tumblr but I 100% know for sure that no one sees anything I post so what's the point...

forgot to announce this yesterday but I've made another book it's going to be one-shots short stories sneak peeks and writing prompt responses Along with the writing exercises and stuff 
          
          https://my.w.tt/JRdRWz36I2