candy

(HIATUS POST)
          
          this year's canon event is that i started using ao3 a lot more. even wrote something in there, exploring new territory with different fandoms. GOT SPAMMED WITH RACIAL SLURS... but it's been taken care of, i hope. since 2021 i've only been writing one piece. last year i tried some movie fanfictions, then i moved on to other anime, tv shows, and while i'm not exactly focusing on something big at the moment, similar to tbftc, i'm back to writing bits and pieces every once in a while. still not worthy of a one shot series, but still something. 
          
          i'm currently trying out different methods of story writing. plotting, basically. that's always been the hardest part for me, and i'd say it's a good step towards what i'm aiming for, which is, to ultimately, come back to tbftc and perfectionate it.
          
          my health is... fine. my mom and my grandma are doing worse, though, and lately i've been taking more care of myself. gained some weight, done some mental exercise to keep myself out of that anxiety inducing mind state. cause- yes. sometimes i backslide, i- slip up. i mean, who doesn't? life's not perfect, and i can't pretend it is. 
          
          but even after all this, the simple fact that i can go to college, eat healthy, have a boyfriend of 5 years, and still find time to do things i enjoy, i say i'm on good tracks. 

(HIATUS POST)
          
          and as a life update, i'm doing better now. it's been a year since i started taking antidepressants, and my bloodwork is currently clean. i'm in a relaxing vacation right now, and i'm gonna go on my first trip with my boyfriend this september. i'll also be at the eastern european comic con, so if anyone magically sees this and wants to meet me there, i'm down, lol. i'll be cosplaying shanks, of course. 

i will go on an indefinite hiatus. 
          
          i am tired of beating myself up for not coming up with a good enough ending for tbftc. and not only that, but i'm literally obsessing over it. i don't wanna rush it, obviously, so i'm just gonna go on a break.
          
          since the book is more than 3 years old, it's gonna need a lot of editing as well. i'm also not proud of how i wrote some of the scenes, it's obviously not a perfect book, but it means a lot to me personally, and i don't wanna leave it like this, full of mistakes and unfinished, so IT IS gonna get the updates it deserves, i just... don't know when.
          
          i don't wanna put any more pressure on myself. there were nights where i was literally playing out the scenarios in my head just so i didn't have to think logically. i wanted the story to flow as naturally as possible, but that's just not how this book is supposed to go. 
          
          and i also don't like the direction it's going, honestly. it's not that i hate it, i just think it can be improved. and for that i'd need to deeply edit or even rewrite some of the chapters i've already posted, and i'm not sure what to do yet.
          
          i hate having to break this to y'all. when i finally get an audience, i decide to disappoint everyone for no apparent reason (no fanfiction writer curse this time, just regular old burnout and writer's block)
          
          i hope you understand my decision. and that you liked what you read until now. thank you for every like and every comment!!! i love you all. 

I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH WATTPAD???? i spent literal HOURS rereading like 6 different times the last 5 chapters from tbftc because WATTPAD decided they should twist and steal paragraphs from other chapters and putting them in my latest chapters and my book literally DID NOT MAKE SENSE and i felt like i was going crazy 
          
          SO I DECIDED TO FILM THE WEBSITE while i was scrolling down on the chapters and i saw how every time i reloaded the page it would show me different paragraphs or repeated paragraphs and i literally didn't understand if i was going crazy or if there was something actually wrong with the website
          
          seriously, literally when i wanted to write my fic, THIS HAPPENS? i'm so mad rn

still alive.
          
          i've been reading a lot these past few weeks. i also managed to study well for my finals, got over the worst part of my disease, and i'm trying to recover by eating normally again and getting rid of the college routine. we're actually sent out on the field and we literally just do gardening maintenance, but because it's the middle of the summer and i'm on antidepressants i can't stay for more than 30 minutes in the sun or else i pass out (horrible experience), but yeah, no more hospitals for now.
          
          and because i read, i also got the motivation to write. i actually wrote a 5000 word one piece fic which is not done, but it's with a DIFFERENT character this time (not spoiling yet), and it's probably gonna come out at the end of the summer. 
          
          as for the boy from the church, i'm struggling. believe it or not, i've actually talked about this in therapy. i kept writing and i didn't like it, and i tried 2, 3, 4 times and i just kept deleting the paragraphs as soon as i was done with them but i guess i was also not very well mentally prepared. (this was before i started reading more books), so i'm gonna give it another shot next week.
          
          expect to see new chapters this month!!!!

i had to come back because may 7 is my 8 year anniversary on wattpad, and because i owe everyone an explanation for my absence.
          
          last few months have been very difficult for me because my grandma, my mom and i have had health issues and all 3 of us had to be under medical care. it really took a toll on my mental health seeing my family like this, while also being sick myself. i'm not going into detail of what happened, but i can say that they are better right now.
          
          and as for me, i've been having horrible pain in my lower belly, so bad that i couldn't even walk, been to 8 doctors and literally no one knows what the heck is happening to me. i also caught the measles virus, had to be quarantined for 2 weeks, bedridden, not even able to doom scroll on my phone. then i found out my liver is doing terrible from the amount of medication i took. i was taking more than 12 pills a day which were not supplements. my cholesterol is through the roof right now, and i'm dieting again. my panic disorder also got worse during this time, and i had to take more sedatives and it was simply horrible.
          
          so yeah, i'm not doing great. i also missed 3 weeks of college and i haven't been able to catch up with work yet, since i'm still in pain and it's difficult for me to start getting things done, but in the last 2 weeks i noticed that i'm doing a bit better.
          
          i'm trying to go back to my normal schedule, but it might take a while. i'll try to be more active while also taking care of myself.

so i didn't say anything about this but for the past 3 weeks i've been having a cold and it literally didn't go away like at all. if anything, i feel like it only gets worse every day and i have a terrible cough and i started the second semester in college and i had to wear a mask for like 10 hours every day and it sucks bad.

I WAS ACTUALLY ABLE TO BALANCE MY COLLEGE WORK WITH THE AMOUNT OF TIME SPENT WRITING AND I ENDED UP WITH THE HIGHEST GRADES IN MY WHOLE DEPARTMENT AND I AM LITERALLY TWEAKING. GOD BLESS ZOLOFT. i am functional.

i had to leave to another city because of a family thing that came up out of nowhere and i don't have my laptop on me. i will be out for 3 days and the moment i come back home i will edit the new chapters. I'M SORRY FOR EVERYONE WHO'S WAITING i will also try to edit chapter 27 to compensate for y'all! <3 

also ace died at age 20.
          i will be 20 this year.
          my mom got married and had her first child at 20.
          and i'm still writing fanfiction at 20.
          
          I LOVE LIFE