ᵈᵉᵖʳᵉˢˢᵒ ᵉˢᵖʳᵉˢˢᵒ

i was lowk harassed for the first ever time on the streets of my town centre at the ripe age of 18. okay i feel like i have to preface this by saying i have a baby face, everyone thinks i look at least 12 when my 19 birthday is next month. right so today was day 1 of my 3 day placement in a school which is in a hugely deprived area in my unis city, it was a huge huge emotional day because i learnt alot about the struggles of these children that i never will. then got on the train got to my home train station got on the bus to the shops bought some KitKat then i was walking towards the bus station to get the bus home, when i heard this homeless man behind me just shouting and shouting swear words. my headphones were on but they're always a low volume so i can hear what's going on, then he got right behind me and started saying racial slurs. i didn't do anything didn't say anything just looked ahead picked up my pace and stayed calm. then i was about to cross the last road when he got real close to me and nudged my shoulder, enough for my bag to fall off. i immediately took my headphones off and asked him ' what the fuck is ur problem?' he said i didn't touch you and i replied with do you think im dense i fucking saw you. he didn't like that and this other man, looked around my age came running and told the homeless guy to leave me alone because im just a kid and he said no i didn't touch him tell him i didn't and i said do u think im dense of course you did. by now my saviour and the homeless guy started scrapping and i just wanted to tell the man thank you, the police were just driving by and pulled up when they saw the fight then the homeless man dramatically fell on the floor, no one touched him. lots of people came running to aid him on the floor and the police told the other man to put his hands up, i got petrified and i ran inside the bus station and i got on the first bus i saw, luckily it was one that was going somewhat neae my house.

i could never forget how i felt the world is gonna turn out okay the first night i came back after hanging out with you

today was one of the worst days if not the worst day. i feel like i can only start from when i got back from work saturday night my dad came and got me then my uncle and cousin were in the car come back home and there's more relatives at home. everyone goes home after a bit then my mum's brother comes and we stay up with him for a bit then i went to sleep around midnight because i knew i have work bright and early at 10 30 in the morning. fast forward an hour and it's one am and i wake up to my mum wailing and her brother. asked my sister what's going on and she's telling me to go back to sleep and i just thought hell no, went in my parents room and my dad said that my mum's dad just passed away, in our home country 8 hours away. my dad started informing more and more relatives, they slowly start to poor in at around 2am and my mum said she wants to go to said country and that we should pack her a bag. i said bet i put a hoodie on and packed her a bag my auntie stayed with her as more people started to come. then my mum's other brother in a city kinda far from us said he's going too so i was at bit relieved at least my mum won't be by herself in this journey yk. then my dad sets off for the airport 2 and a half hrs away from us and my mums brothers also in the back of the car w her and theyre both crying consoling each other and calling other family, including my mum's sister who lives on the total opposite side of the world and my mums mum. then we get to the airport, my mum met her brother that was heartbreaking. 

HELLO it's nearly 2026. i feel sick when i say that why's time moving so fast. quick speed round re cap of my amazing year. at the beginning of the year i was low-key probs in the deepest depths of my depression in years, and id blame it solely on exams. okay tw but i stayed self harming again too and because my brain was so fried with exams i didn't even think to do it in a discreet location....... did a level mocks kinda tanked them but also cant remember much rn. finished applying to unis at the end of last year so id already heard all my responses, over the moon that my top choice would take me in. turned 18 in April, had an amazing fat party got presents and was just surrounded by love the whole day. started formally applying to jobs and got a dingy little 0 hr in a sports club in May, turns out it was on the verge of shutting down, i was mainly a waiter and served the food/ cleaned it up again. would stand on my feet for hours since there were no employee facilities ( can you guess why it shut down ), made a good few friends who made the shifts way better. started that job as soon as my a level exams started. didn't sleep for a month straight because a levels hello?? developed OCD and would be convinced every night someone's tryna break in because the doors downstairs are unlocked or a fires gonna start because I didn't compulsively check the hob before I came upstairs so i wouldn't sleep months after ( still have this issue but im working on it). gained weight because i would never sleep never eat only drink energy drinks, it's not that in the night id be revising id just lay in bed stressing about how i haven't done enough. a couple nights when I had back to back exams, my mind only let me sleep after 3am but I'd have to have an alarm on for 5 so I could review my notes before the exam

i got into uni, i turned 18, I got my first ever job being a waiter at a sports club and would stand hours on my feet but enjoy every second, i did all my a levels, i passed all my a levels, i left college, i cut all my hair off, i started commuting to uni, i bought new clothes for uni and finally bought the boots ive been wanting for years, i reaches out to my childhood best friend after not talking since gcses and we finally ended things on good terms, i started uni not knowing one person but now 4 months in i have the best friends, i had placement for a couple weeks and realized this is the profession for me, i helped those students realize how amazing they are one tricky maths question at a time.i finally got a proper stable job after years of searching and im having the most fun especially in the festive season. i just submitted my first uni essay. and i did every single step without you. i thought id grow old with you. when i was pissed at the world or when i was ill you were always there. you said you'd never leave and i was a novice dumbass for thinking you'd hold your side of the promise. so, words by a poet far greater than me, 'you should know that i died slow, running through the halls of your haunted home, and the toughest part is that we both know what happened to you why haven't you called? merry christmas please don't call me. merry christmas im not yours at all'