ᵈᵉᵖʳᵉˢˢᵒ ᵉˢᵖʳᵉˢˢᵒ

4-1 helloo i had a very tiresome day today
          i first woke up really early and went on the bus to the shops to return my jacket, then brought some dark blue nail polish in a hannah baker kinda way. then came home and went to this city like an hour away from us for some shopping. i got an outfit and a necklace and now im just in bed. college starts on monday and im so not prepared. i have a couple essays literally due for monday and i haven't done them so I'll have to do it tomorrow but my aunties gonna come so idek when I'll be able to do it. plus i wanted to do my nails and have a nice long shower sunday evening but ive had the worst stomach ache recently and i can't do all that without puking

3-1 hello. look at me keeping my streak up. anyways im really fucking craving a chicken burger rn and we have the patties in the freezer too.. maybe i should go maybe one. right so my day. i woke up, had a shower, made spaghetti??? it actually tasted half decent too. then we went shopping and i got a few bits. i ordered this jacket from h and m and it's too short for me. im so upset because i was really looking forward to it as well. i brought some jeans though and they're proper baggy but are fine around my waist so im excited for when i go college so i can finally wear it. i also got this stripey top which i feel like is very much louis tomlinson coded. so tomorrow im gonna go on my own to return the jacket, at least i can have a cute little solo date and maybe get some dr pepper or something. but umm basically, my mums dad who lives in the homeland which is a day away and a good couple time zones away, he's really ill right now and my mum wants to go see him. it's very very very hard for both my parents to make any spontaneous plans because they both work plus my little sister is still small and she needs her mummy and daddy yk. so for that reason my mum decided she's going to go on her own, i think her work is allowing her to go just because they understand how severe the situation is, thank god for them being compassionate yk

2-1 i started typing this a minute to midnight so technically it's still the second alright. anyways. hello. it's been an.. eventful couple days. i told myself id do these updates everyday but it's more if 'whenever i can be arsed' typa situation. it's actually not my fault this time ive just been ill. first my cousins were around on christmas and boxing day then these other cousins came and ive been ill during all that too. i can't even escape this stupid family either. if you asked me 2 years ago if i want to spend these couple weeks off with my family like this id be fucking elated but just recently i can't give a shit about anything. after they went we've been shopping in different places and during the day we'll go wherever but by the time we'd get home i pass out until the next day. my relationship with my parents is absolutely shattered. initially when i was a little under the weather they used to press me to go to my appointment but now they dont. it's not that they don't care.. i just can't be bothered. lots of emotionally.. stressful events have occurred recently and i can't shake my mind of them. i spend most my time in my room laying in bed just listening to music. ask me what day it is or when i have to go back to college and i could not tell you. i want it all to stop. 

24/12 helloo. i hadn't done an update in 3 days because ive been really ill tbh. on saturday it wasn't that bad during the day, we even went to do some last minute christmas shopping with my cousins, but in the evening i felt really shit. in the day my head kinda hurt and i was sneezing all that but by the evening i felt so sore and all that. then on sunday it was my cousins birthday party, normally id do anything to not go to family occasions, and my parents have to drag me but this time round they told me that i could stay at home but i really really wanted to go because id finally get to see my aunty and cousins who we haven't seen in 2 years. it was around 2 hours away from us and i don't even remember waking up in the morning or the drive there i just know i was at their house in my aunties room laying in bed. they had a magician too and i went to the party room for a bit and he was really funny because, the birthday girl was 9 and all the other kids were younger then that so obviously his jokes were tailored to that, and he was making kids spell this word out and it was fun so he said 'f' and then 'u' and all the parents started laughing, including me because omd. we came home in the evening and my parents felt bad so we stopped at a service station and i got a dr pepper but i threw it up and my parents got worried but i had to fight them to not take me to the hospital i fucking hate it there

20/12. 4 months until im 18..... today was fine idk. i went to the library but i didn't get all my work done so ill try do if tomorrow but idkk. ive just been feeling like shit and now i just feel so hot and my throat hurts and idk. ive got an appointment booked i think but i don't want to stress my parents out 

19/12 hellooo how's it going? i haven't done it yet a proper update in days because ive just been feeling like poo yk. anyways so today i wore a bomb ass outfit like yk when you just feel good about yourself. i wore my converse, bleached out jeans this cream tee and a blue flannel and my pendent necklace thing. i had a meeting since college is officially done for the year and it wasn't as bad as i thought it'd be. my teacher directed lots of different revision techniques to us and tomorrow im gonna go to our community library just to get my coursework done and i swear i will stay as long as this shit gets done im tired of always having the stress of it. I'll probs just wear what i wore today because i threw it on my chair and i cba putting it back up. anyways after that meeting i came home chilled then went to get my sister from school then realised my days super boring so me and my mum went out to get tea but tf do i look like i like tea so i got some hot chocolate. it's my cousins birthday party on sunday and im forcing myself to feel good 

18/12 im tired 

17/12.
           i hate you. 
          i hate how my fucked up brain always told me not to get too close but i did. you took advantage of that and left. 
          i think about you every. single. fucking. day. i think how we will never talk again.
           i think about our conversations we used to have about deep life issues and i used to send you long voice notes about my special interests and you'd always remember little details about them.
           i think of how when we called a couple times id just talk and talk and talk at you and you'd always listen to me. 
          i think of how you were the first person i told about EVERYTHING, when i kissed my boyfriend for the first time or got a suspicious text. 
          more over i hate how you showed me what true love actually looks like, only to take it away. 
          i hate you i will never ever ever have someone like that again.
           i hate how i would call you my best friend because surely a 'best friend' would not do what you just did. 
          i hate how you occupy such a vast mental capacity when i know you did not even give it a second thought to block me from anything and everything.
          

16/12 tell me is she prettier then she was on the Internet all your conversations cool like are you even interested i know what you are brighter then the stars tell me if she takes you far far enough away from all the baggage you been carrying up another hill to all the girls who help you bury it they're just blowing smoke i'll say what they won't i know everything they dont

15/12 will update later im so tired