ᵈᵉᵖʳᵉˢˢᵒ ᵉˢᵖʳᵉˢˢᵒ

i always said i love you first
          you never loved me

5-2 it's febuary omg. anyways hi what's going on. i have no college today yayayay because one of my teachers is at home marking our assessments and our other teacher is away at training. i might go with my big sister to her uni just to get out the house a bit. im so bored though. actually that's a lie i just don't want to get out of bed. last tuesday my mum went. it was really really emotional. my little sister was crying a lot and i felt really bad too. i didn't go college at all that day. then the next day i didn't go college q i had to drop and pick up my sister from school because my dad was at work so i stayed home alone all day. anyways today i might wear my jeans that i hemmed last week and a cream top and a blue flannel. i might go collect my sister from school in the afternoon and in the evening we're going to my cousins house, we as in me and my dad, since they just got back from holiday. 

we don't talk much
          but i just gotta say
          i miss you 

24-1 hellooo what's uppp. im currently laying down on the sofa scrolling my teen life away as one does on a friday night. tomorrow my parents are going somewhere so me and my big sister are gonna uber eats aahhhh idk we might get subway or pepes. i love pepes. im wearing a black sweater and these new black cargos i got this passed weekend and i was wearing my chonky boots and my brown jumper i got this weekend. i also went to get my little sister from school and i saw this guy who looked so fucking yummy. he was wearing sambas and these loose joggers and a grandad jumper and a windbreaker and a chunky scarf. AND HE HAD A SEPTUM PEIRICNG. so fucking yummy. being with anyone rn actually makes me feel sick. i physically can't devote myself to anyone especially after what just happened. right and then we went grocery shopping and i got this mango drink it was really good. my mums going on tuesday so shes just prepping for that. in college, the lessons i should have had for my most hatest subject were cancelled this week cuz my teacher was sick and we were supposed to do an experiment so we'll have to do it next monday. i have a bunchh of hw to do for that for all the work we missed. im gonna miss a bunch of lessons next week because we're gonna go to the airport then some other stuff too

19-1 it's one of those days i look through the screenshots and look how i had you and him. it's one of those days when i can't move, i feel so upset and depressed with the world i want to tie boulders to a string and bind them across my ankles and chuck myself into a river and see the light get further and further away. i was happy. with you. you decided to leave me. you didn't even ask. you said you'd text me periodically and ask how it's going but it's been nearly 2 months. i hate your guts. i hate hate hate hate you. 

15-1 i told myself today id get on here and announce how i will stop doing these updates, delete this app and delete it because it's the source of so much shit in my life. i know no one sees them but im just so tired, but then i realised so what? there's no rule written that i have to do them everyday. just whenever i want to. one of my '2025 goals' is to stop comparing myself. it's easier said then done but i need to understand how everyone is on their own journey, and people can post and talk about their amazing life but they could also be hiding so much. it's so easy to hide stuff and paint this picture of the perfect life. ive been trying really hard to understand how everyone moves at their own speed. anyways enough of that, truth be told year 13 is just sucking the blood out of me. i did one of my 8 hour exams last week, and i don't know how I did but i do know im never thinking about that again it was so so so tiring. my mums also going away. my grandads been ill so my mum and her brother are going at the end of this month snd coming back next month. i will miss her of course that's my mum, but i just need to understand she was my grandads daughter before she was my mum. today she was talking about how she'll miss us (as in me and my siblings) and i just felt so emotional. i argue with my mum so so so much. we don't see eye to eye in anything. but i was hugging her today and she said 'you still fit into my side and smell the same like you did 17 years ago' and i just broke down. 

6-1 you know id be lying if i said i wasn't trying , for someone i could die for. someone i could cry for, go ahead risk my life for, bullet to the brain for, fade into the dark for, you know id be lying if i said i was dying. 

5-10 helloo. i painted my nails today, dark blue. college starts tomorrow. 2025. the year i turn 18 and do my a level exams and go to uni

4-1 helloo i had a very tiresome day today
          i first woke up really early and went on the bus to the shops to return my jacket, then brought some dark blue nail polish in a hannah baker kinda way. then came home and went to this city like an hour away from us for some shopping. i got an outfit and a necklace and now im just in bed. college starts on monday and im so not prepared. i have a couple essays literally due for monday and i haven't done them so I'll have to do it tomorrow but my aunties gonna come so idek when I'll be able to do it. plus i wanted to do my nails and have a nice long shower sunday evening but ive had the worst stomach ache recently and i can't do all that without puking

3-1 hello. look at me keeping my streak up. anyways im really fucking craving a chicken burger rn and we have the patties in the freezer too.. maybe i should go maybe one. right so my day. i woke up, had a shower, made spaghetti??? it actually tasted half decent too. then we went shopping and i got a few bits. i ordered this jacket from h and m and it's too short for me. im so upset because i was really looking forward to it as well. i brought some jeans though and they're proper baggy but are fine around my waist so im excited for when i go college so i can finally wear it. i also got this stripey top which i feel like is very much louis tomlinson coded. so tomorrow im gonna go on my own to return the jacket, at least i can have a cute little solo date and maybe get some dr pepper or something. but umm basically, my mums dad who lives in the homeland which is a day away and a good couple time zones away, he's really ill right now and my mum wants to go see him. it's very very very hard for both my parents to make any spontaneous plans because they both work plus my little sister is still small and she needs her mummy and daddy yk. so for that reason my mum decided she's going to go on her own, i think her work is allowing her to go just because they understand how severe the situation is, thank god for them being compassionate yk