i couldnt make it, the jump was from the 3rd floor.
im hospitalized.
no amount of sorrys can compensate for the damage i have forever done to myself and some people i knew, and most importantly, to my family. my mumma and papa who brought me into this cruel world while suffering its cruelty themselves for years, and my big brother who always valued my laughter.
seeing them crying, trying to explain themselves through their tears, apologizing again and again... i can never get those images out of my head and it only makes me want to end my suffering even more because the rule of life is that apparently i cannot die.
not to mention how much more of papa's money i would have wasted by the end of this.
those same classmates visited me. i screamed and panicked at them like a mental hospital patient. i showed them the middle finger.
they have no right to apologize to me. they have to apologize to the mirror. for keeping up with their disgusting reflection everyday.
i do not believe my relatives, or parents' many siblings either who made my parents suffer and never ever helped them. i believe no one. no one has the right to show me conditional sympathy or have pity on me because i am not an object.
even if i am an object now, it is their fault. all their fault. i was once a living creature, much more living than any of these heartless npcs.
i only want my family near me and that is it. i do not even want to redeem myself. because yes i will say it: i will murder anyone who dares to be near me.
and for the two angels whom i really made to suffer for a week because of my attention-seeking crap, i am really really sorry i cannot stop crying at the fact that i made u two cry i do not deserve u i do not deserve anyone or anything.
i truly love you, my dears jelly and jane. i am with you for eternity. i am so sorry.
