I'm Burning Yet I Shiver in the Cold u_u

"Don't give under compulsion," the Bible said.
          
          "God loves a cheerful giver," the Bible said.
          
          Meanwhile my grandma constantly hounds me to donate my scholarship to local churches as if it were a tax.
          
          I respect her life. But I don't respect her way of shoving everything down my ass to fit a mold of her expectations.

Picture me this:
          
          A muddied wasteland, full of ash and soot and blinding dust. In a tent that provides little to no protection, there lay your comrades, friend, brother, son, or all. These are people. These are lives. Yet they are suffocating in the smoke, in the dust, in the smog. Drowning in blood, blood of their own, of their wounded comrades, of their slain foes.. yet blood all the same. The same red, the same stench, the same overwhelming smell of rust and death and lives snuffed out for meaningless sacrifices for a war that takes and takes and will continue to take with nothing to give back. Some still scream, still cry, still wail. End their suffering or save them from death, it's hard to determine which is merciful.
          
          Fighting a war is not the same as causing it. In the latter, you are either qq orders they are given.
          
          The former however. When you die, what of your loved ones waiting for you? When you live, what of the lost lives haunting you? Pain is the inevitable result, and the most you can do is pass it along to someone else when you decide to give up. 
          
          Or,
          
          What happens when you think about the Trojan War while listening to Weige and Army Dreamers.

Something about parents being sarcastic when grumpy is that they raise a very spiteful, emotionally inept, and willful child. Aka me.
          
          My inner spite is something god cannot get rid of. I often have thoughts of dying out of spite just because of minor words of ridicule or sarcasm. They don't believe in depression, blaming it on period (for girls), being childish or overall attention seeking behavior. 
          
          Not to mention my grandparents. I get that they're old but they're often too much. Most of the time I no longer bothered to argue because I already know the result. They'll never change. And at this point I won't change either. 
          
          Everyone in this house is so mundane yet ugly.
          
          Especially me.

Has no one ever thought of a DC universe x DSMP crossover!? I'M NOT THE FIRST TO HAVE THIS KIND OF IDEA, RIGHT!? RIGHT?!!! OMFG JUST THINK ABOUT IT!!!! 
          
          Philza will definitely adopt the batfam kids and might lecture Bruce about how to deal with kids who like violence and have mental issues (ahem ahem- Techno and Jason- ahem ahem);
          
          Technoblade will definitely get along with everyone- even Damian, with their love for animals (Technoblade must brag about his wolf army that can take down a country- ahem- Lmanburg- ahem-), Technoblade's Greek myth knowledge nerd power (Jason and Diana would appreciate that), his "sleep is for the weak" sentiment with Tim, his way with swords, tridents, axes, etc. (Arthur, Diana, and Dick maybe will definitely not miss the chance to spar with him), his gardening tips with Alfred (no way the million potato farm challenge will be missed in the bragging);
          
          And the way I can just imagine when Batman and Techno will first meet. Bruce would be all tense and broody while Techno's just gonna be like bruuuhhhh while stabbing random rapists and drug dealers in crime alley in Gotham till Batman shows up and goes "get out of my city" and Techno gonna be all sarcastic and shit.
          
          ...
          
          ...Ah fuck, I just miss Techno again, do I? Yup ...fuck it. 
          
          I miss Techno :(
          
          Ranboo would be seen as some sort of alien tho. Lmao think about it. Tubbo and Tommy will end up just trolling everyone on the way too.
          
          I bet their target is almost always Damien XD.

Period cramps are weirrrdddddd (and embarrassing.)
          
          I mean, it's not my first time, but everytime it does happen (which is definitely not all the time) it's so fucking random I thought I swallowed a living bug trying to crawl out or smth. And so random at times it's like some ghost is pulling my guts out from the inside. And so random that it hit me like a sack of rice during a bloody speech of all things that I choked on my own spit.
          
          Fucking embarrassing, and the embarrassment brought me more pain than the cramps itself. Fucking shit I tell you (whoever even bothers to read this.) 

Have you ever put up with someone so much that just the thought of their voice having a certain tone makes you tired? That whenever you want to confront them about their problems, you back out because you know all your energy will be wasted just like yapping on a brick wall? That the thought of doing more, to make things right, and to mend your breaking relationship, you think 'Don't bother' because you've done it all before, and in the end... They'll just hurt you all over again. 
          
          Trust isn't supposed to be fragile, but they can only be broken so many times until it's irreparable. Respect is earned, but the person everyone keeps telling you to respect, keeps trampling on said respect time and time again. 
          
          I'm so tired. Really, really tired. I want to leave. Just run away. I want to... Disappear.
          
          I don't want to talk anymore, because she'll never listen. I don't want to listen anymore, because I'm tired of her voice. 
          
          But I'm also scared. 
          
          Will I be like her someday? 
           #vent lol

Y'all saw nothing

Do any of y'all have the feeling of spending so much time and effort on something only to be canceled last minute because of some circumstance??? It's the second time this month and now I'm ugly cryinnngggg

Why do you want to strangle me!?!?! What did I do!?!?!?

I am not happy that my will to live overpowers my will to die ✨