non-beenary

anywho my sporify is 
          
          🩷💜🌀c0smic_0tt3r(⁠๑⁠╹⁠◡⁠╹⁠๑⁠)♬
          with a richie tozier pfp!!
          
          then my pinterest is
          
          c0sm1c_0tter / Beeny_Mack
          with a boris povlosiky or wtv pfp from the goldfinch!!
          
          my bio starts with  F*CK ICE  just so y'all can be positive it's me:3
          
          but yah i have pinterest boards for finney, mike, and ponyboy specifically then one for each of their fandoms with other characters
          
          also my other boards obvi
          
          my spotify has playlists for each of those characters too then i have my fave songs from each month

Y'ALL MY 6 YEAR ANAVERSERY ON WATTPAD IS COMING UP:D
          
          i joined september 2020
          
          i dont actually know what day
          
          i also didn't even know i joined in speptember till i looked at my bio and realized the little joined in thingy:3
          
          i have literally nothing i can do to celebrate but ehh...
          
          ACTUALLY!!! i have a shit ton of headcannons/very very short little scenarios for mostly tbp and the outsiders but i also have a few for it 2017 and stranger things!
          
          ive been meaning to post them for a while but idk if i should combine all the fandoms or do separate ones...
          
          im leaning towards seperate at least for tbp and outsiders cause they def have the most
          
          all of the books would be focused pretty much mostly on each of these characters: finney blake, ponyboy curtis, richie tozier, and mike wheeler since those are my faves from each respected fandom lol
          
          i also have a spotify and pinterest that have board/playlists based on fandoms and characters!! sadly u cant link either of those on wattpad at least to my knowledge, but i'll put my usernames and then pfps so y'all would know it's me in my next post:P
          
          but yah so y'all could see my ideas/fashion hcs for my characters!
          
          dw tho im not gonna put them in nike n shit like that😔 id genuinely rather shoot myself<3

why do i feel so awkward using the bathroom in my own home???
          
          like, i live here why tf don't i want ppl to know i have bowel movements😔

standing in the middle of my room at 1:18am debating if i should binge or get my dumbass in bed<<<<<

i had to post this in multiple parts cause it had too much text(⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)
          
          but you'll have to read all of the long asf posts in a row to understand
          
          im only announcing this one so y'all dont get spammed lol
          
          
          im actually so pissed rn i had to rewrite all of this cause i mistapped omfg im killing myself rn (im not im just actually pissed) lets see if i remember enough
          
          
          
          
          im actually smiling so hard rn:D
          
          ive been questioning if im bisexual or aromantic (pretty much exact opposites ik) and i think i finnaly figured it out!!
          
          Lithsexual / Lithoromantic: Enjoying sexual or romantic attraction in theory, distance, or fantasy, but having that desire fade or turn into discomfort when it becomes real or reciprocated.

thats why i love having a crush on a fictional character/celebrity sm cause i know that there is no possible way for my feelings to be reciprocated
          
          the traditional social expectations of relationships just feels like way too much
          
          having autism, bpd, and being hypersexual already makes relationships so confusing
          
          cause i crave sexual/physical contact, but an actual romantic relationship feels so taxing
          
          the constant check ins, proririzing one person, having to be emotionally available 
          
          an explanation of those things:)

Autistic Social & Sensory Battery: Traditional dating demands continuous, unstructured social interaction—texting back rapidly, subtle emotional check-ins, and unspoken rules. That represents a massive tax on your executive function and social energy, which explains why the "everyday upkeep" of a partner feels exhausting or "weird."
          
          BPD & Fear of Engulfment: BPD is often discussed in terms of fear of abandonment, but the flip side—fear of engulfment—is just as strong. The moment a relationship becomes real, the pressure to maintain emotional intimacy can feel overwhelming, triggering a visceral "gross/nope" self-defense mechanism to protect your autonomy. 
          
          Hypersexuality vs. Aromanticism: Being hypersexual means your brain generates a high level of sexual energy and detailed fantasy (like enjoying smut or imagining intimacy). However, because fantasy carries zero risk of real-world emotional demands or social masking, your brain can fully enjoy it. The friction only happens when physical intimacy is packaged with romantic expectations.

(yes this is ai. i believe that ai should not be used for therapy or for creating ai "art". but i believe this is different)
          
          and ive had partners and crushes before and i enjoy having crushes. but once i get into an actual relationship, it just feels weird
          
          and maybe a queerplatonic relationship?
          
          part of the problem might also be my problems with feeling like im not real/not a person. if i dont see someone ik for a long enough time, it can feel like im the only person that exists
          

if someone doesn't talk to me for a long enough time, i feel like i genuinely could be invisible. not like no one knows me/cares, but that im genuinely invisible
          
          cause i like imagining myself as a character in a fictional ship, (rinney for example), being finney and "dating" robin is smth i like to imagine, same for other ships, but being me and dating a real person feels like too much
          
          (i had sm more but i forgot im gonna kms istg (not rlly) but this is good enough for now. if i remember more i'll post it)

y'all the blood and debilitating cramps aren't even my least favorite part of my period(⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)
          
          it's the constant gas and constipation that comes with it