• I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't stick my head that far up my ass.

• Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

• My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch...I call it lunch.

• I am not lazy I am on energy saving mode.

• It sure is strange that after Tuesday the rest of the week spells WTF.

• You call it "nagging" I call it, "Listen to what I f**king said the first time."

• You smell like hidden motives, get away from me.

• My friend thinks he's smart. He said onions are the only food that make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.

• Only trust people who like big butts...they cannot lie.

• When life shuts a door...open it again. It's a door. That's how they work.