I finally got time to read your story. I think it needs some fine tuning and editing and such. Often I get passing ideas in my head, then I get stuck on them for a bit. When I don't work on them and make them happen, they kind of fall flat.
If you get a story idea and you can't stop thinking about it, then you have to spend a LOT of time planning it and working on it and developing it before you send it out into the world lol. Even then, it might not work. But, if you just keep at it I'm sure things will pop ;)
Back to your story: It's not really my type to be honest. I'm sorry :/