Hase auf Stelzen

Ich hab grad auf dem Tomaten-Tetrapak “passioniert” statt “passiert” gelesen... passiert *shrugs*

I never questioned Europe being in the middle of the world map. People told me “that’s the world map, look at it, that’s how it is” and I saw Europe in the middle of it and thought how convenient it was because I could always easily find it.
          I didn’t recently learn about other versions of that map, where other continents are in the centre.
          But I just thought about it.
          It somehow means people are putting themselves in the centre of fucking everything. Quite egocentric, isn’t it?
          
          It is funny. If you told children all over the world to draw the world map, there would be completely different pictures. Some put Europe in the centre, some America, some Asia. Everyone has a different view on the world and the map is where it starts.

 #7HoursLeft
          Within the last hour, I took a shower, emptied out all of my water bottles, organized a lot of stuff and hung up fairy lights.
          I feel so productive (and hungry).
          I still have to clean/empty out one more room and I have to hang up the sheets from the washing machine. I gotta put away some plates and cutlery, but THEN I should be fine and safe to go to bed. I hope my power-bank actually charged during the past two hours, considering it sometimes has some issues with that. But my phone needs to be charged over night.
          Emergency update: I also need to find my keys. They should be in the living room, so I’m fine. Maybe. Or not, I really don’t know.

I haven’t cleaned my room for like 2 months at least and it all just piled up and I literally left everything for the last second.
          Like, in a little more than 8 hours I have to get up and catch a bus taking me to a train station so I can go to Hamburg for two days.
          On Tuesday, my sister will pick me up in Hamburg really late and when we get home I expect her and I to fall into bed asap. (Which won’t be possible because I got one of the sheets in the washing machine right now and it won’t be in time for me to prepare bed tomorrow morning so we’ll have to do that on Tuesday/Wednesday...)
          So I kinda gotta clean up NOW. It’s the first time she’ll visit me since I moved and I want to have a clean room, but my laundry is PILING UP and I have to put it into bags and hope she won’t notice and I got a lot of other shit I’m pretty sure never had a place since I moved to organize and put away because right now I couldn’t sleep on my bed because it’s just loaded with stuff.
          
          Well... shit.

Nvm I just found it by surprise. Like, I wasn’t even considering it could be in there, I just wanted to put a bag away and it happened to be in there. I‘m using the word there way too much.

I can‘t find my wallet and without it, I don’t have any access to my money. Also there’s my ID and my driver’s license in there. I‘m feeling so bad right now and I‘m wondering if it is possible I lost it somewhere else than in my flat, but I think the last time I saw it was inside of my flat. If I‘ve lost it, I‘m kinda doomed. Like, I‘d need to do all those important things so no one can use my stuff, but it’s been days since I‘ve seen my wallet so it’d be too late anyways and I also don’t know if I could do those things where I live because I usually would have to do stuff like that where my parents live at... I‘m going crazy.

So, the one girl that ever came remotely close to what I‘ve got with my best friend just told me, she might go to India for 6 months, starting mid-july of this year. Which perhaps doesn’t seem as much of a problem. But I only know her for half a year, I will know her for one year. And then she’s gonna be gone for 6 months? I‘m worried. We won’t be able to meet each other during that time.
          But I really like her. A lot. And our mutual friend ships us and she might like me, too. But that won’t matter because nothing will happen in six more months because I‘m not home often enough to meet her.
          This is so frustrating.

Don’t get me wrong, I‘d never quit my job.
          But sometimes I‘m just so looking forward to the end of this year.
          I am so unhappy, but sometimes there are quite nice moments and I‘m trying to convince myself I‘m doing it for the sunrises, the happy horses and the happy faces of little children. I‘m doing it to find myself.
          But there are so many times where I just do it to not be a quitter. So that I don’t have a hole in my CV. So that I can prove everyone who doubts me, that I can pull through with something.
          And those are wrong reasons.
          I shouldn’t be doing something to fit other people’s expectations.
          Especially not things as big as this.
          But I can’t quit, no matter how unhappy I am becoming. If it was two years ago, I‘d be worried about relapsing. But I learned that cutting isn’t the solution and that I have to come up with other ideas of how to cope. With ones that won’t harm me.
          
          Sometimes, though, I wonder if I really need to show other people that I can pull through with something or if I want to prove it to myself.
          
          And now I‘m wondering whether it should really be counted as a success pushing through with something although it makes you unhappy.
          Shouldn’t our goal in life be the pursuit of happiness?

There exists a feeling inside of me. It comes up all the time, telling me it’s there and what I’ve done. And I could change it, but that feeling stops me. It screams at me to change and makes me stay the same. And it freaks me out because it couldn’t be that hard. But I just can’t do it and as long as I can’t do it, I will feel this way.

Well, leave it to me to completely re-organize a small board of the shelf that is so full it’s about to spill already, making enough space for my groceries for the next week or so, I guess XD