So here's the deal: I have no idea how to give pointers on writing because no one's asked before and also because I firmly believe in people having the freedom of writing style.
My advice to you (based on my limited knowledge) would be this: remember punctuation and be careful with run on sentences (unless they're there for your style - which means if run on sentences with repeating words and no commas sometimes is your style then do whatever the hell you like), be consistent with your characters and their motivations and feelings; add little snippets of background information when it flows nicely with what's happening (and keep the info light; don't just dump it all on your reader without really letting them know it's a flashback - italics are your best friend), and remember that if you still aren't satisfied, just write more. The best way to get better at writing is keep writing (trust me; I used to suck real bad).
So, my dear friend, write to your heart's content, then write more. Before you know it, you'll be giving tips to someone else.
Thank you and good luck!!!
