Sylvia

Update to anyone following my sexuality crisis,,,
          
          I’m a lesbian. I came out to my friend. He came out to me as biromantic asexual. We’re literally so close now and just friends. First real best friend yay. Also came out to his sister and her husband and they’re chill. Sister (who is also my friend) gave me a rainbowish sweater. So all that has worked itself out.
          
          Also, about my current fic,,, finna unpublished it bc idk if/when I’ll finish it,,, sorry. If you like my hero academia tho and ship those characters,,, stay tuned. I’m working on a poly story for them. 

I um... so I think I’m just a lesbian frfr. Like ? Ew. But like... ? Mhm that’s fine with me. Also, I was intensely thinking for about like thirty minutes trying to imagine me kissing both genders. Kissing guys (including the guy that I think/thought I liked) I had like no reaction, but imagining just kissing a random imaginary girl and my face lit the fuck up. Like big wide smile. More evidence is that I only imagine myself marrying a female. When I think about relationships I think “fuck. I want a girlfriend.” Any past “crush” on a guy I’ve had was because either everyone else had one so I thought I should or bc the guy said they liked me first. In contrast, the girl I had a hella bad crush on never told me she liked me (well at one point she did say she liked me but like past tense and it was a weird situation which I could explain but not now). I had heard she liked girls, but I was like I’m not gay. Definitely not. Then I had a short crush on a straight girl but she kinda picked up that I liked her and she told me she was straight and I was like “haha I know. I wasn’t flirting with you... not at all...” and then quickly got over that bc it hadn’t been that long... and the guy I’ve had a thing with,,, I think he was trying to kiss me the last time we hung out, but I like evaded the hell outa that. I was thinking “maybe I just don’t like him enough yet,” but I think it might just be him being a guy. also dicks are high key gross. 
          
          ,,, but I’m still fighting my internalized homophobia that’s like “maybe you are just bi and lean toward girls a lot.” 

So like sexuality crisis? I’ve identified as bisexual and demiromantic for a while now and I have an unofficial thing with a guy. I think I like him, but like I really don’t know if I like.. like dick? So like... am I... gay but demiro?? Maybe I just need to get to know him better?? Bc like I haven’t told him I’m not het bc of the church I go to n shit... but then comes my thinking of like am I just scared of guys bc my dad and the fact that I was never allowed (or just believed it wasn’t allowed for some reason and never did) to have/bring home guy friends. He wasn’t physically abusive at all but like a liiiittle but of emotional trauma y’know? “I’ll give you a reason to cry” type shit when I was little. Maybe I’m mentally blocking myself from liking guys like that?? I love to come here to vent about all my problems... y’all don’t haaave to reply but that’d be nice 

I’m listening to The Dream Chapter: ETERNITY on loop and every time Drama comes on I wanna cry. Like it’s just too fucking good. It’s brand new but it’s so nostalgic. It gives me high school musical vibes, y’know? That shit was my childhood. Like it’s bringing my childhood and linking it to right now and I wanna cry. The whole keyboard part throughout is what affects me the most I think. It makes me feel things. Good things. Like idk. Passion? Makes me wanna do something. But also just sit here and cry while listening to it. But also, no matter how much I want to cry, I haven’t cried while listening to it. :/

You ever just randomly feel anxious? Bc I was literally just vibing in my living room and watching avatar last air bender and then I was feeling tired so I came up to my room. Then all of the sudden I’m feeling anxious... I ate some coffee candy thing earlier... was it that? I also ate like 2 fifths of this weird cracker/cookie thing and drank some mango soda and had heckin spicy ramen. I feel like the coffee thing is the most likely...

Story time
          
          I have a vent that hasn’t had a cover in yeears. So my sister has a cat. The cat has tried to go into the vent before but I always stop her. I had it covered with a makeup box, but earlier this week I decided to do my makeup so I moved it. She wasn’t in here so it was fine, right? I would put it back later. I didn’t put it back later. Now I had brought her from my sister’s room into mine. (Little explanation: she doesn’t roam the house bc our other cat does NOT like her so we keep them separate. We hope to introduce them some day but we haven’t yet.) Everything was fine. She’s hopping up on my keyboard (piano) to look out the window. Going in my closet. On the window seat. Dresser. I get lost reading a fanfic that is cute as hell. Then I think “wow she’s quiet. I wonder where she is. She’s probably sleeping on the window seat like she usually is.” I look at the window seat. Not there. I look around and then my eyes land on the vent. Uncovered. I panic a little. Then I look around my room once more, and, thank the lord god almighty, she’s just laying on the ground on a blanket. She blends in so well :/. So everything’s alright. Just had a little freak out and wanted to tell someone but it’s 3:45 am. 

Is there such thing as internalized heterophobia and internalized homophobia at the same time? Or do I just have trust issues? Like rn I like a guy. Actually I think it’s just that I’ve never been with a girl before more than texting online and this will be my first relationship and I think if this one lasts forever then I’ll be missing out bc I’ve never been with a girl... I shouldn’t want this to not work out bc I want it to work out but I also want to experience a gay relationship low key hardcore bc girls are really pretty... ft girls by girl in red
          
          That sounds kinda shallow “bc girls are pretty” but like am I wrong? But irl I’m like demi so I’d have to get to know them first anyway. 
          
          Also ik most people say first loves don’t work out (not that I love him yet but if we keep this going I might). I just... idk. We were friends before (as is natural for a demisexual) and I really don’t want to lose him if we don’t work out. 
          
          I remember when I first started realizing he liked me. I denied it with basically everything in me bc he’s literally the only person I talk to who isn’t family and it scares me to think I might lose that. 

Guess who’s fucking mad at her mom? Me. 
          
          I’m fucking 18 years old. I’m going to college soon and planning to live on campus. And what do I want to do? Go on a fucking walk outside of our neighborhood for 30 minutes to an hour. Can I? Nooo. Because in that time, walking on a MAIN ROAD, I’m gonna get picked up, raped, and murdered. Like that’s a fucking everyday occurrence on our street. I’m fucking tired of this shit. This is why I can’t do shit on my own. Bc my parents don’t give me a shred of independence. And what am I gonna do about it? Nothing. They raised me to be a fucking pussy. I’ve never done anything to break their rules and my mom won’t let me do this one thing. I’m not going out to hoe around. I’m not doing drugs or getting drunk. I want to go on a FUCKING WALK! “We can go pick up one of your friends to walk with you.” “We can go to a park.” You ever think I just wanna walk outside alone? What are you gonna do when I live on campus? What about when I move out of the fucking country? Nothing. I’m a literal legal adult. I could leave right now and never come back but I don’t bc I love you. 

For a while I’ve said my favorite color is holo (holographic) which is basically just a shifting rainbow. (Not to be confused with chromatic colors which is usually two or three colors. Holo has to show the full rainbow spectrum.) I’ve now realized that was my subconscious telling me I may not be straight... specifically black holo if you were wondering. 
          
          I’m painting my nails with black holo rn and it made me think of that. 

To the people who have read Age of Consent...
          
          I love y’all. The FATTEST smile was on my face looking at the 79 reads it has and the like 40 smthn comments. Thank you for reading!