orange_sodas

I think we need more typical gay representation in movies and shows. I would get cancelled for this if i was a celebrity but in a lot of the 'gay' movies the main characters look straight. "You cant look straight or gay" i understand that theres always someone who doesn't apply to stereotypes. But there are a looot of ppl who do. We need a movie where a pop-loving feminine guy with 'the gay voice' finds love. We need alt lesbians and crystal, tree looking queers have their story. The only show i know where the gay girls look gay is euphoria 

Its so lovely if you have a friend who you share an interest with and then you can fangirl together- love it

Ok so continuing..
          
          She just kept interrupting me when i wanted to tell her. She didnt care. I told my other friends. They weren't concerned at all. One of them was but only bc of the fact that the teacher said the n-word. I mean I understand thats an issue but almost every teacher uses that world in their vocabulary and its sick that its like that but here it isnt even considered problematic. Its normal. I ofc never say it and so dont most of the girls in this school but the guys say it every day. Just screaming it out at random. 
          
          I honestly think that i may be overreacting but i dont really think so. I have no one to talk to. Like at all. I told my mom and she joked about it. Said that maybe he was right. She doesnt know how i was sitting. I started crying and she just gave me chocolate. Which i mean fine..i accept but still. Its traumatising. And the worst part is that i know its incredibly common in places with dress codes and stuff. These are common situations and to even think that there are more intense situations like these...it makes me want to genuinely cry.
          

For the first time today i actually felt disgusting in my body. It saddens me that so many girls my age have to go through this. Male teachers are scary as fuck. That's the one thing i learned in school today. 
          Well how do i even say it.. Today we had a wood works class and i was sanding this stick (honestly wtf) and it was so annoying and frustrating that nothings was fair and stuff (i wont go into detail bc its not the point) and for the first time this school year i broke my resolution to not cry there. 
          
          I was in the bathroom. nobody saw me. i felt like all my emotions needed to get out. 
          After that breakdown i went back to class. I sat down on the table where i was sitting previously bc it kept moving and we needed it to not do that. 
          I was chilling and i put one of my legs on this weird device for like making holes in the wood idek.. then my teacher in his 70 calls me over to another room and tells me that the way im sitting is provoking and challenging the guys. 
          He also said some weird irrelevant to his problem with me things about black people?? 
          And after that i went into a panic attack bc he talked to me so weirdly and i was in shock that something so normal as sitting was seen in a sexual way bc im a girl. 
          Keep in mind im 13. 
          I was spiralling and I honestly considered bailing school. I didnt go to lunch after and i kept having tics and stuff. It was so overwhelming especially bc nobody cared at all. Like i told my friend 'nothing' when she asked what he was telling me bc i couldn't talk about it. He was literally in the room. And she wasnt even a little suspicious. 
          She just brushed it off. 
          Why would a teacher ever call me over to another room to tell me nothing? Mind you my friend is the smartest person in class theres no way she thought what i was saying was true. 
          
          The story is too long so imma post a part too as well
          

Its actually insane that i hate specific days just bc of school. Its so normal but if you think about it shouldnt be. I feel like i need to survive this day and then i'll be alright. I don't like to live like that. School is depressing cause no matter how much i cry and mentally destroy myself i cant not go. I wanna fucking die.

At first i was like "ahh-obviii" as a joke. But bro- I don't think it's a joke anymore.

I want to be married so baad ya'll dont understand-

I might be having fun but that doesnt mean im on fucking vacation. Its still mentally draining. I have no energy. I want a break.

I just realised that i dont actually like doing any of my hobbies. Im just good at it so the feeling of success is rewarding enough for me to do them. Does that make sense?
          
          Like if i was really bad at drawing I definitely wouldn't do it. I often think 'what do i like about making a piece of art?' Then i understood that i really dont like any particular thing about it. I just like looking at what ive created and showing it to people who like it as well. 
          
          Im scared to go to an actual art school cause guess what? Im not good at the professional stuff. I know I'm not. So if i dont have that feeling of success then what do i have? Would i still like art? Definitely not.
          
          I have so many hobbies. But even though i only do them because i like it, i hate everything about it. Im talented but does talent equal happiness?

I just watched arcane and without a doubt jinx is my favorite character. Do i like her? Not particularly. But her character is so well made. The details. 
          
          I think a year ago I wouldn't say this but I relate to her. There's so much trauma and regret and disappointment and trust issues. This sick way of taking your trauma and twisting it into something so cold but powerful reminds me of myself. She made dolls of her 'friends' (that she accidentally killed.) She took the name that she was first called by when her closest person was putting her down. 
          
          she's stuck in her childhood because thats the time that the most trauma happened to her.  And she lives in that trauma along with that age even though she is a lot older now. 
          
          Jinx seems so indifferent about everything while also being obsessive and emotional and irrational. It's that stress of those scenes. With the flashing sights of everything at once and these voices and hallucinations of non-existent things. Trying to prove it to herself and others that she isn't weak. For me thats an accurate representation of what i feel a lot. Its so overwhelming. Thats the best way to describe it. It feels heavy. 
          
          And somehow that's comforting.