💖 ~Bakubae~ 💖

Bro the amount of paragraphs that are in your mb is crazy! 
          
          I'll read them slowly

Also, I watched Ashton walk to see if what Robert said is true. I didn't see much, but it's clear that his body fat does NOT jiggle. I also am noticing that Ashton seems to piecing everything together, and he's never truly trusted Robert.
          
          After Math class yesterday, my teacher had asked to speak to me. She said that she had seen me crying and wanted to know if I was okay. I told her that me and Jaxson had a fight, which is true.
          
          Right in the middle of telling this, I heard Robert yell in the hallway, "BRETA WAS TALKING C**P ABOUT ASHTON IN ART CLASS!"
          
          I was. But I was just telling Jaxson, which is why we are fighting. We don't agree. Jaxson thinks I owe Ashton an apology and should try to feel bad. My angry side thinks I was right to do what I did. My real side thinks I was wrong. And unfortunately, around others, my angry side wins over my real side.
          
          I walked out of the math room and down the hallway, where I spotted Ashton staring at me. He didn't say anything, he looked confused. Then my friend Kayden cheered me up by saying hello. Also, Robert gave me a look.
          
          At Thursday's lunch bunch, Parker (Ashton's brother) saw me, since he goes to the social studies room too. His friend Deklan said, "It's Breta." 
          
          I'm praying that Parker doesn't know what I said to his brother.
          
          I also have an upcoming field trip, which I am not allowed to go on since I got ISS. But I have the hope that Ashton may be there. He was sick when the form went out, and knowing Ashton's dad, he's not going to let Ashton stay home from school just because he didn't sign the form. But I might be wrong and Ashton might be going on the field trip after all. I do have some friends to hang with that day, but I'm hoping to talk to Ashton.

I have also figured out that I was right and Ashton's friends are ALL fake. Except for one person: me.
          
          My mom said that I act like a fake friend too, but these people are much worse.
          
          It all started when Robert, Ashton's "friend", announced that he had stomach issues. Obviously, this is Ashton's private business and Robert had no right to share it. Knowing Ashton, he would be very embarrassed and angry to find out that people are talking about his private business. Robert had yelled this out in front of my entire art class too. I hate that he takes advantage of the time when Ashton isn't around to gossip about him and tell his secrets.
          
          I have also heard Robert talking loudly about Ashton in the hallways, and he was talking to a group of sixth-graders. Reminder: everyone I talk about on here is REAL and in seventh grade (except my friend Ethan Racite who is in sixth.) This also goes back on that sixth-grade helper teacher that reported me. I don't know why she was paying attention to my grade. And I don't think it was her place to talk about it.
          
          I have found out that Ashton has not ratted me out for anything. It is other people, like that teacher and Wylie.
          
          Speaking of, the day I told Moataz to tell Ashton to kill himself, Wylie was trash-talking him. Moataz never said anything about Ashton. He just said, "Someone in this school smells horrible, and I know they're in our grade." Wylie said, "It's probably Ashton."
          
          Also, Robert was talking about Ashton this week. He said during Math class to Wylie and Ethan, "Did you know that Ashton's body fat jiggles when he walks?! Also, he claims he lost ten pounds from exercising!"
          
          The exercising, again, is Ashton's private business. And how many times has MY mom told ME not to make comments about Ashton's weight? Just to find out others are doing the same thing.
          
          I knew the losing ten pounds thing wasn't true, but I did see Ashton eating a salad for lunch, so it's good to see that he's making healthy choices now.

Hey guys, I havent been on in a while.
          
          Me and Ashton are slowly getting better. I'm trying to rebuild our friendship. I have reached out and apologized. His response I can't write on here because it contains a name of a school official but he hasn't showed them the Google doc or tried to get me in trouble. He also did not delete anything I have written.
          
          I believe he feels sorry for me. He saw me crying out in the hallway and I think he felt guilty, he walked significantly slower after seeing me which is a sign of guilt.
          
          My next step will be to just say, "Hi, Ashton" like I used to when I pass him in the halls.
          
          I reached out to my guidance counselor about Ashton sitting at my table. I told her I think it was a misunderstanding. If it happens again, I will tell her to please remind Ashton that since he is no longer speaking to me politely, he has no right to have any business at my table or with my friends. And if he doesn't listen? I take matters into my own hands.
          
          I have also kindly requested that no one bring this up to my assistant principal. Ashton doesn't need to get into big trouble just for sitting at my table. But if Ashton wants to sit with me or talk to me, he can ask me in person.
          
          I told him this: "Ashton, I just want you to know that I really am sorry and I care about you. I was not being a good friend. I didn't mean what I said."
          
          I truly believe that I wasn't in the right state of mind. I was very angry and when I get angry it takes over and I say stupid things. But half of the things I say are true, like when I said that Ashton's not entirely innocent either.
          
          I have since found out that it was a helper teacher in sixth grade who heard what I said, since I also said this at my locker. Behind my back, they were pulling students out to talk about it. I felt bad. Whenever someone who doesn't normally get into trouble gets pulled out of class, everyone goes, "Ooooohhh", even me. So I can't believe that it was my fault that they got pulled out anyway.

Hey guys...sorry I haven't been on in a long time. It's a long story.
          
          Well, I did something AWFUL. So, y'all remember how Ashton was out for three days?!
          
          In my lack of speaking to him, I missed him. A lot. And I cried and cried and cried.
          
          Well, I made the mistake of telling Julianna that I like Parker's BROTHER. (Which is Ashton. And I was telling the truth.)
          
          She told Ashton and Ashton pretended to not like me back and went about this in a really mean way. So the whole day, I said mean things about him. It all came to the point where I told my buddy Moataz, who is also friends with Ashton, "Next time you see Ashton, tell him to go kill himself like his mom."
          
          Well, Wylie was there too, and he ratted me out to the assistant principal. And I was crying because JUST LIKE LAST YEAR, now I'll get in trouble if I speak to Ashton. And I haven't spoken to him since. Or apologized. Or ANYTHING. And I never gave him that lollipop.
          
          So now all I've been doing is moping around because I hate my life. And ever since I fought with Ashton, I've been fighting with EVERYONE ELSE. Even worse, Ashton's REALLY hurting. I think he wants to be my friend again. But I can't speak to him, which is a dumb punishment. I ended up getting ISS for THREE DAYS just because of that stupid rumor.
          
          I'm planning on asking someone to just tell Ashton I'm sorry and let him forgive me already. I don't need adults managing my life any longer and I'm just gonna fricking talk to him anyway.
          
          Also, yesterday, I wanted to sit with my friends Harper and Hayley at lunch, since I had no lunch bunches to go to. Well, they sat down at our normal table. But ASHTON was there! I stood there for FIVE MINUTES staring at Ashton, and his friends who had taken over *MY* table. So I knew if I sat there I'd get yelled at. So I sat down at a different table and felt AWFUL, especially when I saw Hayley speaking to Ashton, and I think I have every fricking right to sit at my table and talk to my friends, including Ashton.

Hey guys...well, school today was okay. Guess who was back? It was ASHTON. And he looked fine. So why had he been out for three days?
          
          His excuse? "I had a fever." At least, that's what he told Robert. I didn't talk to him, which I think may have confused him. In fact, I looked angry at him all day and gave him dirty looks.
          
          Then, in art class, I heard Robert gossiping about him. What a fake friend.
          
          Then I heard Robert mention something interesting. It turns out...Ashton may have been lying about the fever. Robert's exact words were: "Ashton told me that he has stomach issues."
          
          Then I realized: Ashton's obese, and he has been obese since third grade, when he showed up at my school randomly. Last year, Jaxson asked me, "Hey Breta, why is Ashton so fat? Do you think he's pregnant?"
          
          I said, "Ashton's always been fat."
          
          So...I searched up what to do if a friend has "stomach issues", and it turns out Ashton might be not taking good care of himself like eating too much junk, which he does, or he might have stomach issues due to anxiety, like me. My stomach was tied in knots for the three days that he wasn't there.
          
          I was mad at Robert. Knowing Ashton, he would NOT be happy to hear that he told Robert a secret and Robert was spreading it around during art...and Robert's been gossiping about Ashton a lot, and I don't know if he's saying mean things, but I'm sure he is.
          
          He also said yesterday, yet again during art, that Ashton's been really upset lately. I think it's because it's been almost a year since his mom offed herself. On June 10th, it'll officially be a year. And that's nothing to celebrate.
          
          I have major depressive disorder, so I get very upset a lot off and on again, as you all saw in the past three days.
          
          Currently, I'm confused and worried about Ashton himself, his physical state, his MENTAL health, and his relationships. He hasn't really been himself lately, and that scares me.
          
          I STILL haven't given him that lollipop! >:(

Hey guys, just when I thought my relationship was improving...it got worse. Well, on Monday, I went into school thinking it would be a normal day. I saw Ashton in the cafeteria when he walked in. I had even brought the secret stash of lollipops that lives in my backpack (shared some with Harper and Jaxson) and patiently waited for after UA 1 to give him it.
          
          But I waited for him at technology...and he never came out.
          
          I was worried SICK for the rest of the day. I hadn't seen him at all! So I asked my counselor about him...and she said, "I saw him earlier! I believe he said, 'I'm tired...'"
          
          I said that sounds like Ashton on a Monday morning.
          
          Well, I never saw Ashton on Monday after the caf.
          
          The next day, Tuesday, I walked in and he DIDN'T EVEN SHOW UP. He wasn't even at the caf!
          
          Well, I WORRIED. I then asked my friend Rayne, who usually hangs out with Ashton's friend group, if she had seen him. She goes, "Ashton's sick."
          
          I flipped out. He was "sick" for the second time in three weeks!!! I know a sickness is going around, but I was still VERY mad. Then I asked Rayne, "How do you know he's sick?"
          
          Since Rayne hates Ashton, she said, "Robert has his number." That's when I REALLY lost it. In the middle of the hallway, I yelled, "ASHTON HAS A NUMBER AND HE NEVER TOLD ME?!"
          
          Any negative feelings, I usually mask as anger. So I said some not-so-nice things about Ashton that day. 
          
          When he gets sick, I get worried, but I mask it with anger, so I usually say, "I can't believe Ashton's 'sick'. He's selfish and lazy."
          
          Selfish and lazy...those words were stuck in my mind all day.
          
          Well, I told my friend Harper everything.
          
          More on Robert...
          
          Robert Mears is Ashton's "friend" (fake friend), and my ex-crush. He gossips about Ashton behind his back and me and Harper hate him. He got into trouble during ELA (English Language Arts), and when my teacher moved him to the front of the room...
          
          "Yipee! I can sit with Jackson!"
          
          (Jackson's his best friend).

Hey guys!
          
          School has been improving. Ashton and I ACTUALLY had a conversation together!
          
          We had another test, the NWEA tests, which determine our grades at the end of the year.
          
          So I took my winter NWEA tests: math and reading. Reading on Wednesday and Math on Thursday.
          
          As part of my 504 Plan, since I have autism and stuff, I get to hang out with my guidance counselor for the time we have those big tests, like the SAS state-wide testing and NWEA.
          
          Ashton also hangs out there. So after I finished my NWEA, I hung out with him and talked. And talked. And talked some more.
          
          We colored pictures together too, which made me happy.
          
          I walked him to his technology class on Wednesday, and I even waited for him yesterday.
          
          Outside of my guidance counselor's room, there's I guess an OT (occupational therapy) room, with two of those bicycle things and a swing.
          
          Ashton went to play on the swing, but then realized that the two strings that held it up weren't PERFECTLY aligned and the swing was slightly slanted. So he said, "I HAVE to fix it."
          
          The word "HAVE" is used a lot when someone has OCD, and Ashton has that.
          
          So he DID fix it, and it disturbed everyone who was trying to finish the test. It was also annoying to me. So yesterday, I went there to do the other test and said, "Ashton, I told my mom that if you don't fix the swing today, I'll give you a lollipop."
          
          Ashton goes, "I fixed it yesterday, and I'm not going to fix it today."
          
          Then he goes, "Where's my lollipop?"
          
          I said, "I'm not giving it to you."
          
          (I forgot it.)
          
          So I told my mom, and my mom pulled out a giant bag of Dum-Dums lollipops that have been on top of my fridge for ages, and said, "I don't care if you give some to Ashton, as long as they're out of my house."
          
          She also told me that I shouldn't tease Ashton like that and I owe him the lollipop I promised him.
          
          So I got an idea. Each time Ashton does something good, like does what he's told to do or says "thank you", I'll reward him with a lollipop.

Hey guys...school is still going bad. Currently, I'm mad at Ashton's "friends", Robert and Ethan, who are both in my grade. I couldn't control being  mad at them. And I think Robert's onto me.
          
          I was *sobbing* during math class today, where we had a HUGE test called a "summative", which is 60% of our grades. My math teacher was absent, so we had a substitute.
          
          I was sobbing over how at lunch, I went to social studies room to have lunch bunch. Ashton is normally there. However, today he wasn't. Then my friend Reagan said Robert, Ethan, AND Ashton were all in room 113, which...no offense, but nowadays, kids my age would call it the "sped room", which is special education.
          
          They have a new teacher, and the room got a huge upgrade. I haven't met them yet, but apparently, I heard from my friend Ayse that they have neon LED lights and "needohs" or whatever the squishy things are called. Everyone loves the new teacher. EXCEPT me. Because Ashton's in special ed, and so I couldn't go to their new lunch bunch. I felt very sad and excluded, and I missed my best friend. Now I'm crying while writing this. I at least had Reagan to keep me company.

Hey~