At 3am this morning I had a complete and utter emotional breakdown. I was up for hours thinking about how all of my past friendships never worked out and all of these years I blamed it on them for not "committing" or being "loyal" to our friendship. My last best friend ditched me for someone else and the person my ex best friend ditched me for was someone I had a bad past with. And the worst part was that my ex best friend KNEW I was on bad terms with her, yet they still became close friends anyway. I didn't realize at the time, but now that I've reflected on my high school life, I realized that I in fact was the one at fault. I cried for months thinking about how my friend left me for someone "better" and I never got the closure as to why. It was around last month when I realized why she left me for someone else. I was a bad friend. One of our last moments together was horrible. We were in the lunch line holding our trays and she accidentally dropped her tray and I laughed. I fvcking LAUGHED instead of help her clean up the mess. The cafeteria lady eventually cleaned up the mess so my ex best friend didn't have to, but still. That was back in my sophomore year btw. Around November. I watched her slowly lose interest in our friendship and she ditched me during lunch one day. Instead, she hung out with the girl I hated and her friends. My ex best friend already had a few mutual friends in her new friend group, so they easily took her in. And me? It was the first time in years I sat alone to eat lunch. It was only for a day because I had faith she eventually answer my calls and texts asking where she was, but she ignored them all and we haven't spoken a word since. I graduated high school last year, and we still follow each other on instagram and snapchat. She never blocked me or unfollowed me or anything. She knew her life was better without me and she wanted me to know. To SEE it. She's happy now with new friends and I'm here typing my rant out on fvcking Wattpad.