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ragnar looked down to finish buttoning up his coat  ,  an act made only to hide the fact that his smile had widened.  "today's outing is for a political matter  ,  so there's not much we can do without raising suspicion.  at most  ,  we might be able to get away with a meal."

@kntrlaw- // 
            
                 `` im not trying to be a tease . I think your smile is cute . `` he gave a soft smile of his own . truthfully he wanted to see the other smile more often . `` was there anything in particular you wanted to do ? `` 

"we should go sometime."  wishful thinking  ,  really  ,  but  ..  he couldn't help but fantasize about moments like that.  "there is a lake that I taught all of my children on.  it would be  ..  pleasant to take you some day."

@kntrlaw-  //
            
                `` can't say I have . unless slipping around on ice at times to get to your castle counts . `` it was a poor attempt of a joke . with eryndor's kingdom always staying warm , ice never really had a chance to stick . 

"you know exactly what I'm talking about.  I have grown soft around you  —  it has calmed my anger.  that could get me killed."

@kntrlaw-  //
            
                `` I hardly know what you're talking about my dear , ragnar  . `` 

@petaldecay   /     MEEE!  spam please 

@kntrlaw-   //
            
                `` yes . `` he says truthfully and bluntly  , arms crossing over his chest . `` it's not exactly something i can control or choose from . ``

   /     woah super late reply 
            
            "mm  ..  you make me believe in strange things."  he admitted with a small smile.  "it is a humorous notion and yet  ..  I can't help but wish for it to work."

@kntrlaw-  //
            
               `` didn't take you for a fairy tale kind of guy  , ragnar . `` there was a slight tease to that , giving an awkward smile . `` we could .... give it a try . `` 

"is it now?"  he questioned with clear skepticism in his voice.  "as much as I desire that look you are giving me  ,  I am quite sure you don't bless me with it on each of your visits  ..  "  embarrassingly  ,  he couldn't help but lean into the touch.

@kntrlaw-  //
            
                eryndor moved a step closer a finger tracing along the king's jaw before resting under his chin . `` im up to rather a lot as of lately , ragnar ... but this .. this is just another one of my visits to you . `` he gave an innocent look

the hatred he felt for this situation was never ending.  it was a festering wound he had no means of healing.  he couldn't do this  —  he felt fragile  ,  something he so rarely felt.  how did someone who so rarely dealt with his emotions solve such a complex thing?
            
            "you are the one who said  ..  "  ragnar had to take a slow breath.  hearing it was hard enough  —  he knew repeating it would be even worse.  despite this  ,  he forced himself to look directly into eryndor's eyes.  forced himself to keep some semblance of the mask he now wore.  the smile stayed  ,  fake glee in place.  it was hard  ,  even harder with the warmth from eryndor's hand.  ragnar ran cold  —  the people of fimbulvetr often did.  it made the other kings presence hard to ignore.  "that you are not mine.  you already voiced to the world that you would not pretend to be such a thing  ..  there is no need to go back on your word."  
            
            ragnar's eyes fluttered shut for a brief second.  he soaked in the moment  ,  pretended that everything was normal  —  that his world wasn't destroyed.  with a sigh he pulled away from the hold  ,  taking a slow step back.  "  ..  I cannot survive another heartbreak  ,  eryndor.  should you give me hope and decide you do not want me  ,  I do not think I'd survive."  his eyes squinted as if he was amused at the aspect of that.  
            
            "leave."  ragnar suddenly said  , voice suddenly firm.  "leave  ..  and should you still keep the same feeling come a week  ,  then I will grant you your request.  I just  ..  "  he glanced away  ,  the first crack forming in his mask.  "I need you to be certain.  should you come back before a week  ,  I will throw you out.  should you come after a week  ,  I will personally torture you myself."  his eyes narrowed and his smile widened.
            
            after a moment of silence he continued.  "this is not a negotiation.  you don't wish to make me hide?  then do this for me.  allow me to regain my feeling of safety around you."

his thumb dragged across a drying tear track , slow and reverent . like he was afraid any sudden movement would break ragnar all over again . `` .. and for some reason that .. terrifies me more than death ever did . `` he let his hand fall , the confidence he felt for that draining now .
            
            `` so don't smile at me like that , `` he whispered . `` i don't know who i was before to you . and i'm not going to try and give you false hope . not going to pretend since that would bring more pain . but i know i don't want to be the man who makes you hide ... `` why did he feel so vulnerable and emotional when it came to this man ? he didn't understand .. he didn't understand .. he wanted to understand . he wanted to clear that fuzz from his memories . some way .
            
            `` help me remember .. `` he suddenly said his tone almost pleading , but clear . `` i want to remember . i want to understand these feelings . why i chosen you out of everyone else . `` he knew that was a big ask he was proposing for someone he saw, or he is supposed to see as an enemy . but some part of him felt desperate . `` please ... ``

@kntrlaw- //
            
                Eryndor watched the walls rise . or well how the other seemed to close-up  , how the smile formed. the smile ragnar crafted was wrong .. too sharp , too practiced . it made eryndor's gut twist in a way he didn't understand . 
            
            he had expected anger . he had expected shouting , or another shove , or for ragnar to storm away entirely . but this .. this quiet , awful retreat .. this was worse . that single tear had rattled him more than any blade to the throat ever could . `` ragnar ... `` he said , voice rougher than before — not loud , not commanding . human . cracked . `` don't do that . don't .. don't disappear behind that , `` he was stepping forward without fully realizing he was moving . `` i know that look . `` it was a look he had hidden before . plenty of times to hide his own pain . 
            
            his hands hovered in the air , uncertain wanting to reach , terrified of touching . was he even allowed such a thing now ? or had he driven away what they had because he could not remember what they had ? he swallowed hard , fingers curling into fists before finally dropping back to his sides . 
            
            ``you don't — you don't get to pretend i didn't see that . `` his jaw clenched , the fury was gone . so was the venom . what remain was fractured , uneven . a breath , a trembling breath . he takes one closer step and he reached out before the other could move away . he didn't care if this was selfish , some part of him felt like he had to do this .
            
            he reached , two fingers under ragnar's chin , gently lifting his face just enough to force him to meet his gaze .`` i don't remember loving you , `` eryndor confessed , each word a blade he seemed willing to fall on . `` but i can .. feel that i did . i know that probably doesn't make sense . hell it doesn't make sense to myself . but i still feel these things that i don't even understand why to . ``

@kntrlaw- //
            
               `` hmmm , right . that's why you're leaning into the touch and all , right ? `` he raised a brow towards him . eryndor would give a small squeeze to ragnar's waist just to mess with him slightly . `` you don't fool me one bit , tough guy . ``

"I haven't an idea of what you're speaking of.  I'm hating every second of this.  you are practically holding me hostage."  he glanced at eryndor briefly before looking away.  it wasn't as if he  ,  a king renowned for his cruelness  ,  could admit to enjoy such a soft touch.

@kntrlaw- //
            
               `` apologies .. `` he hums out , eyes closing for a moment . `` you're enjoying this , why must you act like you hate it ? no one is here to judge . `` he questioned after a minute of silence , eyes opening once more . his head moving to look at ragnar from the side .