Piggy Bank

it's weird i'm almost getting my very first girlfriend whose mental health is worse than mine, and i'm not sure what to do next. she said she likes me before her nearly suicide attempt. she is having those thoughts at least once a week, and i feel powerless. i like her, and nothing i do matters, so. and i don't think it is a good idea 2 mentally ill people being in a romantic relationship. but i really want her to be better so maybe we can be in love after her brain is normal but really there is no hope. i killed all my expectations.

Are you still here?

damn smelling blood is kinda cool at least there is something i'm good at which is my knife skills, well not really now i just happened to donate blood and somehow mine can't even bleed properly so i left with not enough to give them. maybe i'm insane but i really like to attempt again because fuck it. nothing has changed. but i'm kinda scared it would end up in a hospital bed again, this time, i might even serve prison since suicide is fucking illegal. i don't wanna try ropes. just some knives. i really really wanna die that way, with blood everywhere and i'm the boss, really it is kinda hard living like this. i'm fucking sad. my dog died. and my pills are gone. people are fake. it's just everything is not bright anymore. i'm off my pills starting from tomorrow. with no anti-suicide pills, i swear i'm doing it. i have no fucking choice. i don't wanna live any fucking more. hope knives work.

well so i think i wanna kill myself. i'm pretty sure I am made to commit suicide. today there was like a rope I found, and I almost killed myself 6 minutes ago. i hate this life. why am i so pathetic? i wanna be a man and finally killed myself. what the fuck is wrong with me? I am doing it, I swear, tomorrow maybe. JUst fuck it. I am ready to update my version, the latest revolution, an individual completed.

So I have never learned shit about people. I just don't know what is up with me and that damn girl. I don't even like her, hell. And yet, she meant so much to me sometimes, I would give everything just to be friends again and I know, she has no interest in me or my pathetic life. I wish the bitch knew how much she meant to me because I had mental breakdown twice because of her, and one suicidal attempt, maybe indirectly, just to send a fucking text in months she hasn't texted me.
          I know, I have no fucking self-esteem, this is my fucking problem. Anyways, just letting everyone know I am still alive. Pills works, and I am living my life better.

I know this is hard, but don't give up on yourself. I have your back. I can't imagine what you're going through, but you don't have to do this alone.

i still don't get it. What the fuck is wrong with people who think there is something wrong with you if you are not happy? Life is not a gift, really there is nothing to feel good about, this world is a fucking disorder, either with a mental disorder or without one.
          I mean, the fuck, my mind is clear af, and I don't fucking see a reason why the fuck I should be happy.
          In fact, those people who think life is a blessing should be the one that needs to be fixed. 
          Somewhere some people are starving to death. Somewhere some little girls will be forced to prostitute. Somewhere people can't afford cancer or whatever. No matter how hard you work, you are just a slave to the top one percent. Believe in some big dream when they allow you, but know that they can fuck you in any ways they please, and whenever they want. You are 
          just nothing in this fucking world, with no fucking right.
          But assuming my illness will only be 'cured' when I am happy with my life like normal people, guess I will never be cured.
          Well I still like being a machine, feeling nothing is better than pain, until maybe I cut myself to feel something but until then, life is nothing more than a machine doing a machine job.

You know you are such a huge disappointment when you attempted 2 weeks ago and now you are living the rope dream.
          Well not practically since I hate suffocating. I might cut my neck like 2 cm deep, but that shit is horrible.
          Still hard to believe I fucking tried to kill myself and nothing much has changed.
          I thought they might put me into an asylum or something but nah, ask me some questions which would obviously diagnose as depression.
          Damn I don't even have like major depressive disorder. It's more like dysthymia, persistent depressive disorder. It should be fucking obvious after 2 or 3 questions but the guy is like nah, he killed himself so he needs pills. That's fucking all. Simply doesn't give a fuck what my condition is or what is going to happen next.
          Mental health system is just terrible but everything else is terrible in this fucking country so not unexpected.
          Maybe suicide is not that serious. Everyone forget me now. Fucking wish granted. I go to work and no body think I cut myself. They simply believe that was a cycle accident well yeah I am the last guy to have the balls so probably they don't have the right idea.
          I feel like this condition might finally be cured tho. I feel positive that I will never achieve big things or be happy in life but maybe I can do the right thing and the big sad will leave me in peace, hopefully.

Hello!!!! I wanted to send you this for a long time but I debated because I’m indecisive AF!! But anyways, I wanted you to know something: You are so so so important to this world, you are worth so much and matter to me, us and ever single person in this world. You may not believe me it’s true! Your existence is to be here for a purpose, I know I can’t even begin to imagine a fraction of the pain you feel everyday. Just know things DO get better, think of this as the calm before the storm. It may seem endless, overwhelming as even pointless to continue living: But you matter to this world. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you. Death and life isn’t something any of us should be conflicted on. Death will come when our time in this world is done. And it’s not your time yet sweetie, you have so much to live for. Please DM me if you ever want to talk. I know it must be frustrating to see all these comments like: Be happy, you’ll be fine etc. We can’t imagine the hell that is your mind and how much you try to fight it but can’t. You are so much stronger and braver than you think, take a breathe and remember that you are powerful!! This will not break you, you will get through this. Love, ❤️ 
          
          Nailea

Thanks for the follow! :)