pphantasmagoriia

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pphantasmagoriia

no idea how i got back in here
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pphantasmagoriia

this message may be offensive 
hello, and goodbye. um, i’m not going to do any of that emo shit today. forget about all the extras and the quotes, forget trying to explain how we feel and why, i don’t care about appearances right now.  this will most likely be the last post from this account, ever. 
          
          i know exactly what this looks like. if you’re smart, you’ll think this is just some pitiful teenager posting some emo su1cide note that isn’t actually going to do anything. i’ll have you know right now that i am fully and totally serious. 
          
          i have been planning this for almost three months now, ever since the day one of our closest friends left. all that kept us alive was that i was waiting for them to come back so maybe, just maybe, i could find another reason to give life a chance just for another day. i waited for them to come back so maybe, just maybe, i could regain hope for a brighter tomorrow. i don’t mean that to say that they were all of my happiness. i mean that to say that god, they could’ve been. they really fucking could’ve been.
          
          if you haven’t put it together, life has been shit ever since that day. things were finally looking up for us, there was finally light at the end of the tunnel, but somewhere along the way everything fell apart. we slipped into a depressive episode, and truthfully started ignoring everybody, even our current partner. i won’t go into detail, but it’s been fucking bad. really, really fucking bad. and the depression didn’t help with or take away the guilt we had for not having the energy to talk to anyone or do anything. it constantly ate away at us all of the time, and of course, the guilt didn’t help with the depression either.

pphantasmagoriia

in conclusion, thank you all. i’m sorry. *we’re* sorry. you all meant the world to us; people i mentioned and people i didn’t. forget all about us and live on happily; we aren’t worth dwelling on and thinking about. i hope every last one of you stays together, or at least stays happy. every last one of you are the best people we’ve ever met. thank you for making our life better while you were in it, and for the last time, i’m sorry. 
            
            much love, phantasmagoria collective.
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pphantasmagoriia

thirdly, i’m sorry to you, mari. you and world’s end club are such good people; amazing even. i doubt you’ll see this before it’s too late since i won’t send it to you or anything because i know how you’ll react, but thank you so much. thank you for showing us what *real* friendship is like. thank you for showing us what it’s like to be able to depend on someone and rely on them for anything. you are so, so strong, in general and for everything that’s happened to you. you’re such a great person, mari; you and everyone in world’s end club. thank you so so much. i love you and i’m so sorry for doing this to you.
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pphantasmagoriia

secondarily, that friend. i won’t say your name, but you’ll know who you are; i’m sorry to you, too. you all, no matter what we did, treated us with as much love as you could. i can’t forever blame you for the ways that you think. i’m so happy that you’ve gone and gotten the help you needed and deserved and you’ve started getting better, and i’m so, so unbelievably proud of you for taking the steps that you need to make sure you’re safe and healthy and happy. i’m sorry if it seems
            like we can never pick a side on how we feel about you. i’m sorry for the amount of times we’ve hurt you. and no, that isn’t just self-deprecation to make you feel bad and regret your actions. stay exactly where you are because i know and always have known this is what you needed to do all along. i don’t care that we didn’t get to say goodbye or anything; in all honesty, i feel like we didn’t deserve to. thank you for being such a great friend, and i’m so, so sorry.
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pphantasmagoriia

this message may be offensive 
i don’t even care anymore holy shit

pphantasmagoriia

i knew this day would come
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pphantasmagoriia

i’m sick of this. absolutely and utterly sick of it.
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pphantasmagoriia

i’ve tried. we’ve been holding on for so long
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pphantasmagoriia

even i feel bad for what i did. maybe that’s a bad sign, but whatever. i don’t care anyway.
          yuki’s right. i wish we never had to do anything ever again. that would make this existence so much easier.
          i’d kill us, but that takes so much work and energy…
          if only that was easier. if only life was easier.
          i barely even want to type anymore- let’s go. it takes a lot of energy as is to hit the post button…

pphantasmagoriia

DAMN Y’ALL CAME FAST

pphantasmagoriia

this message may be offensive 
- Naturally. 
            — what the fuck is going on. 
            • I ffeel sick what
            - No reason to be upset. This isn’t any different from before; we know they’re safe. Blah, blah. 
            — i know. i was counting on them coming back though, i wanted to see them again- what the fuck? ethereal wouldn’t joke with us like this, right? that’s not fake? 
            - Ethereal would know better.
            — why didn’t they let us see it? why didn’t they let us respond? the delusional part of me says they don’t really feel that way towards us but i know that it’s our fault based on all that. 
            - You’re spiraling. Calm down.
            — it’s all my fault. it’s my fault. maybe i should’ve tried a little harder, a little sooner. what could i have done to change it? could i have done anything? of course i could’ve, right? i could’ve messaged more than once- did i even message at all? 
            - Zuki. You’re spiraling. Calm down. 
            — you’re right. okay. i’m fine. 
            - Secondary concern. Yuki. You alright?
            - Yuki?
            • Hmm? Mhmm. I’m okay. I should probably go, though. There’s no reason for me to be out here.
            - Obviously there is, if you’re here.
            • Kanade is the only valid reason. She isn’t here, so I shouldn’t be either. Back to bed I go.
            - If you so choose. 
            wtf is going on i’m lost as fuck
            - That was an old friend. We’ve been waiting for them all this time. Our wait stops here.
            oh? so they aren’t coming back?
            - No. We’ll survive, though. End of story. 
            — …i think i am back in the right headspace to make executive decisions. K, let’s devise the safest course of action.
            - All operating again? Then, as you wish.
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