@pristinepark
Do you know what's the worst feeling? It's feeling empty. Void. I'd rather feel sad or scared than feeling nothing. It feels like living but not living at all. It's like living without sensory neurons, and God knows how dangerous it is to not feel pain or to not feel at the very least.
I wonder if people would give a damn about me if I didn't have any achievement? Would they be proud that I'm their family? That I'm their friend? I want to disappoint everyone so I can escape expectations. I only need God's "Good job, My child!" Not everyone's compliments. I like Bill Gates because he never cares if people are disappointed in him. He succeeded by breaking their expectations. I wanted to do that, but I'm afraid of taking risks. That's why.
All I'm trying to do now is staying sane. I hope I can make it.
Stop expecting something from me. Just let me survive. Just let me live.
Fck expectations. Fck latin honors. fck dean's list. fck top notcher. fck grades. fck school.
Pakshet. Nanu ko ya man.
It's coming again. The sadness. What's happening? Why is it not leaving me? I thought I escaped but I guess it was just a small hole I saw, enough for me to see outside...
I wanted to hide what I feel, but I don't wanna be like Theodore Finch. I want to live that's why I'm trying to save myself.
Please let me save myself.
I was looking for my dean's list certificate but I ended up finding aaaaall my certificates except for the one I am looking for. I cried when I saw all the proofs of my achievements because I realized I wasn't living at all. All I did was to be perfect in the eyes of others. I even asked God, "Why should I live this way? Why can't I make others happy and proud through some other ways? Why should I kill myself just to make my family happy?" I thought I was happy receiving those awards but I guess I was just proud. Not happy but proud. Proud that I am still here despite all the bad thoughts I kept fighting not to hear.
They said that you must keep yourself busy with other things so that you don't get unhappy... I did all I can to do that yet nothing happened. Yeah sure, I was happy. WAS. Every month this feeling comes. I don't know what to think or how to act so others won't notice, that's why I isolate myself. Besides, there are other important things that must be prioritized more than this useless person... Right?
I sounded hypocrite lol but let me be a hypocrite for now. I need to let this one out. I need to hold on.
I find it amazing if people can do what they like. I mean, if they want to paint, they can; if they want to read, then they can. They don't need to forcefully lift their lazy ass off. I want to be like that. I'm trying. But I guess it's easier said than done.