r3nshiro

WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY HEAD RIGHT NOW?? I LIED TO MYSELF??? 
          
          How can i tricked my own self thought that i don't talk w meki only a month but act like a years ago?? And the 2025 is just a last year man?? I seriously made a huge mistake. With my surrounding and myself. Like seriously wtf is wrong with me?? How could i say that i've been left by my 'friends' and come another new one???? How is this happening??? Woooah. How far is my crazy level can go now?
          
          This 2nd years sem's impact is really huge and i don't know how many mistake i've made unconsciously. I keep act like i'm the one is the hurtful person ever in 2025 to 2026. Or is it from your 'circle' before hurt that much silently. Yeah, it is because you keep shut off your emotion instantly when it comes to sad and you tend to forget every other things around you? Idk man. I tend to not finish processing my surrounding and give an false reply. Now i can't remember why am i keep crying every conversation w K. Now, i have valid reason why am i not close with the others.
          1. I dont trust them much
          2. I don't know how to start humble conversation
          3. I'm not in my right mind
          4. I tend to distance from others so i don't hurt them or let them hurt me.
          
          At last, this is my reasonable and thinkable thinking of summarise my current life so far. So stupid head.

Conversation isn't scary anymore, bcs I grew tired of it. I can't even differentiate either people cared or just curious. People say this is bcs of my ego, but they don't know how much I've been wanting someone atleast one to stay, listen, understand, choose, and not leaving me. At the end of the day, life is too short for people to just stay and waiting. 
          
          Conversation is tiring and that makes me really pulled the card of rejection, disappointed, hated towards me. People say, problems will not be solve until you've faced it by conversation. But, the conversation is not always solve the problems if its not by the right person who want to understand it. 
          
          The day you feel like understands me, after that you choose to ignore it bcs of self issue as well. I've been really affected by them, her, him and idk whats wrong anymore. So much to understand them until I realised I'm the one who understand myself better. I chose to ignore it and thinking people will choose me instead of me.
          
          Life is too short to keep in loop over the same situations happened bcs life is so much wide open ahead. I'm not the one who leave it, they decide to keep it that way. Now, I comeback with the thought of the world is just fine w/o me. 
          
          Of course it is. 

I realised that I lived my life so far is because I have actual friends that I can depends on. But, I also realised that my life right now is not about looking for someone that I can count on but to live without anyone I can hoped for. Almost 3 years suffered by this so called "only one" or maybe "atleast one". Life is too short so that people come and people go. 
          
          I'm so glad my "one n only" still is the same person like I looked before. I may be not the person she could tell the story about herself but she's still be the person that I wish I could tell all of my story about. I respect her happiness because what's make her happy, I will be happy for her as well.
          
          I hope I'm not the victim in my own storyline.

"I shut down my emotions just because I understand other people emotions" was my starter of everything happened.

I'm not going to show you that I'm change unless you've made me.

I'm dissapointed w A.

Maybe...if i stop to find a conclusion to resolve the problem, and just live my life at this moment, i just realised; there is always something new add up after one solution. If i decide to not finish the story, what will my younger me think?

Maybe...No. I should stop. Stop depends on people as a place to make myself feel better. It's just...not worth it tho. You just don't stop to find someone make you feel better. Not now. Not at this moment. You mental health not really at ease because you seeking validation from others about it. People's change. You've change. Just love yourself truly, please? 

I really need to realise that I've been surrounded by many people who truly love me and this is reality and not fantasy. I can't believe myself that I had an idea of people not loved me because of the certain moment. Yes, it's true. I'm alone and lonely because i'm in my own journey life that i chose myself and not keeping follow other people pleases. It's just loving them is just as much as i love myself truly. I should stop assume they change and surround myself by overthinking about them because they still never change. What am I for them? A friend. What am I suppose to do? Trust them as much as you support yourself. Is it worth it? YES. BELIEVE ME.

The best comfort person: myself.
          By asking why and what.