rennxiisho

I really need to realise that I've been surrounded by many people who truly love me and this is reality and not fantasy. I can't believe myself that I had an idea of people not loved me because of the certain moment. Yes, it's true. I'm alone and lonely because i'm in my own journey life that i chose myself and not keeping follow other people pleases. It's just loving them is just as much as i love myself truly. I should stop assume they change and surround myself by overthinking about them because they still never change. What am I for them? A friend. What am I suppose to do? Trust them as much as you support yourself. Is it worth it? YES. BELIEVE ME.

The best comfort person: myself.
          By asking why and what.

Maybe, I'm the problem? I'm seeking for someone to be my listener but end up still choosing You to be my wishfullness.
          
          I found someone willing to hear what my heart said, but i still waiting for You?
          
          If that so, no matter how many people Allah sent me, if in the end You are the one i'm hoping for, i'll still not feeling free.
          
          Free from guilty, free from doubting, free from overthinking, free from anxiety, free from You.
          
          Idk why am i still waiting for You? You're doing fine while me being overreacted? Before, i felt glad to be faithful waiting for you but Now, i felt like a forced to wait for You that so called unchanging.
          
          I'd to throw away my feelings to priorities You. Although you never asked to do it. I kept crying everytime i'm proud to talk others about You. Is it my fault? Or...
          
          If i'm being honest to you from the start, will you still be here?

Let's talk about A. I'm not sure what kind of person she is yet. For now, she is someone who almost looked like me but in honest ver. She too has complicated through people but i'm glad to be someone she felt comfortable to talk with. I can't confermed yet about the conflicted between her. Either Her or her. The same feeling recalled back from 2018 (form 2). She also can be known as mini counsellor  Maybe i'm seeing her as L + D ver.? It's good to know her. It's just my mentalilty not in the good situation and really felt like i'm ruined the mood between me.

Just want to say, i hate people who being mad unthinking clearly about what they said. One of the reason it's because of her too

Last for today, i'm easily to get the trauma huh?

Ever since i've been entered here, i'm really craved for a listener huh? Firstly, i was expressing to the wrong person that i am glad on that time i'm still on guard. But, the second one was scared me because on that time, i was enduring with really anxious situation that i'm scared my plan didn't work because my team was really used more money than other teams + extra drama that i thought i can let it slide. Unfortunately, i couldn't keep in hidden and let it slip through my mouth. I cried on that time! Why though? Why did i kept giving her hint? Why i couldn't hold my tears like i always plan to do? Idk! Because she felt comfortable with me. I thought i could get the answer to solve the problem by not telling her the whole story. Actually, each problem i faced already been solved. Maybe, she's been a good listener?

Don't you miss me? Its been month we're not seen each other through message...i.m.u

Last for today, i'm still believe i'm the second choice. Don't change the fact. With my overthinking, nothing can escape from that thought.

I'm still hung up on my past wishing to her huh..?