Mav/Marvin

I don't want to get better, because I find comfort in it, but it's destroying me, every day, faster and faster, please, help, I have no idea what to do, I'm too ashamed to talk to anyone about it, and "depression day" at school is in a month, so until then I can't force myself to talk to school psycholog, PLEASE HELP I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, IT'S LIKE FUCKING DEPRESSION/EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER AND I NEVER KNOW HOW FAST IT'LL DROP LOWER THAN EVER

 I feel bad and guilty for eating, not eating, sleeping, not sleeping, having my own opinion, not having my own opinion, helping my mom (because I feel it's not enough), not helping, doing my hobbies (because I still have school work to do and can't take care of it), resting BECAUSE I REST ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND I'M STILL TIRED OF LIFE, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. I'm 15 I shouldn't have any problems more serious than wondering if my crush likes me, or having a bad grade. I should be grateful, but I just don't feel it, I feel guilt. I think I will try to talk to this school psycholog on day when we will be talking about depression. Maybe she/he will tell me what's wrong with me. Or that I'm overreacting and making a victim out of myself. I'm sorry for the monologue

I think I might have depression. I don't have strenght to do most things, I hate taking care of myself, showering, brushing teeth, eating. I sleep too much tho, on free days for like 10 hours and I also sleep during day. I want to cry at the thought of coming back to school. I was thinking about just staying home and refuse to go, but then my parents would have to pay. I had suicidal thoughts as well, but I'm too scared of pain to actually do something. I tried texting to dziecięcy telefon zaufania, but I forgot to ask in my text what should I do, and after getting the response, I wanted to cry because it didn't help with anything, and now I'm too embarrassed to write the second time and ask for help. I don't want to worry my family, so I won't tell them. I don't really like to talk to my friends, and I feel guilty for not liking to talk to them, they should have have a better friend than me. I'm envious, I guilt trip myself, I don't care about my family, friends, almost anything that should be important. When my dad asked me what if my grandparents/family would die tomorrow, and I realized I wouldn't care. I feel so bad for my parents for having me, they ruined their lives, even if they don't see it. I'm ungrateful, I don't feel almost any connection to them, I don't even love them, I like them AT BEST. I think about telling the school psycholog about it, but I know I'll forget about something, they'll think I'm overreacting or something. I thought that I don't believe in anything, but lately I started feeling connected to Greek mythology (I think it's called hellenic religion?) and I cried today, because if they're real, I feel like I disappointed them, I don't have even strenght to make an altar and take care of it. I'm fucking pathetic.

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only two classes more and I'm going home B)
          and they'll have two more p.e. (probably they won't do anything, but still, going home is better)
          Idk, I think a girl I like looked at me (probably because I was staring)

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I forgot how it helps me to write here when I wanna go home

Idk, I'm on the same bus stop as the girl I like ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ

I can't fucking cry. The whole month, hell, since the school started almost every day at school I want to cry. But I can't, in the bathroom always is someone, and I CAN'T CRY WHEN SOMEONE MIGHT EVEN SUSPECT. When I come back home I'm usually too tired to cry or I already feel better. And because of that, I've been holding all my fucking emotions in. And now, that I finnaly can cry, I'm not too tired, I'm alone at home, I CAN'T. I WANT TO CRY, I TRIED FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES, BUT I CAN'T. I WANT TO CRY BECAUSE IT HELPS ME, BUT I FUCKING CAN'T, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME THAT I CAN'T EVEN CRY. I SWEAR, IF EVERYTHING WILL STAY LIKE THIS FOR SOME MORE TIME, AND WON'T BE ABLE TO LET IT OUT BY CRYING I'M GONNA TRY TO END IT. I JUST WANT TO CRY