rae.zw

drafts -
          
          - excruciating weekends
          
          01.01.22
          whoever said that you will be happy on new years deserves a kick in the arse because the emotion that i have not been feeling since the last day of 2021 is happiness. what a great start to a brand new year. 
          
          02.01.22
          I think you always know when you need to walk away. It is an itch within your soul, a question that bellows through your bones most quietly. The slight ache in your mind, the tiredness that exists in a soul. I think you always know when you need to let go. When you need to lay down your arms and stop fighting. I think you always know when it isn't working when your heart is not being held. But I also think that you equate loving with fighting, even when you know that the war has ended. I think you show up to battle every single day, even when you do not want to, even when everything inside of you is asking you to retreat, is asking you to rest. you always know that, when you need to walk away, you just have to permit yourself to do so. You just have to permit yourself to act, to put one foot in front of the other. You just have to understand that this does not mean that you failed, or did not give with everything you had inside you. At the end of the day, I think you always know when you need to walk away. At the end of the day, the question is the answer. 
          
          03.01.22
          Breathe. You’re going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You've been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh having doubted your resilience. I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.

- 10th nov 2021 -
          
          pt.1
          
          i just opened up to my teacher that i need to go see a psychiatrist or therapist to feel motivated when she asked us how we feel abt trials, & i asked her if she has any recommendation for a psychiatrist or therapist. & she said that its normal to feel that way cuz she also felt like that before her exam. she was very nervous & she also had suicidal thoughts but shes okay now. she kept saying its normal & how its usual to feel that way, cuz if we don't, then we're not human. & when i said that im legit serious abt wanting to see a psychiatrist, she just "assured" me that its normal. like, no offence, but i DONT think its normal when you're literally cutting yourself & having panic attacks every month, while trying to keep reminding urself to not have a panic attack in the middle of class, because u just feel so freaking anxious everywhere and any time of the day. like, dude. its NOT normal. i know that.  i just feel like she's invalidating my feelings & making it not a big deal. when it's CLEARLY affecting my studies & my personal life.
          
          and now she wants me to keep talking to her abt how i feel. like, dude, i literally JUST opened up to u when i normally would NEVER do that for ANYONE, and u just waved me off, like, do u honestly think i wanna "open up" more and tell u more stuff? even if i do, u wont take it seriously, so whats the point anyway?

i love you. 
          thought you should know. 
          
          xx
          r.v.

hi all, i've edited the previous chapters. please do go and read them :D I'll be on hold for quite some time because I'm not feeling the best for the past few months. hope ya'll enjoy the story, and thanks for understanding <3

Stop giving your energy to this:
          1. People who don't support you
          2. One-sided relationships where you are the only person giving
          3. Solving problems that belong to others
          4. Doing things just to be busy (relax <3)
          5. What other people think about you (care about some but not all)

drafts -
          
          - journal
          
          23.05.21
          I once read a quote by Mary Oliver somewhere, and now I think of it when I’m thinking about past relationships. “Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” you have been through darkness and you will be stronger for it. You are important. You are capable of loving and being loved. You deserve great things. You are enough and it is time to move on.
          
          24.05.21
          Stop giving people who hurt you a million and one chances. After one or two chances and no change, they are not going to. Stop allowing someone from your past to control your present. 
          
          25.05.21
          Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Sometimes you might think you know someone, you might think they’re on your side but deep down inside they’re not. Pay attention. Actions speak louder than words and words are just another way to cover the truth with lies.
          
          26.05.21
          Letting go is never an easy thing to do. No matter how many times you’ve rehearsed it. No matter how many times you’ve played it in your head. It never goes as planned and almost always stings a little harder than you thought.
          
          27.05.21
          We cannot control almost everything we go through. That means, if it’s yours, then somewhere down the line it’ll return to you and if it’s not, then you have to make peace with it and move on. It's as simple as that.
          
          28.05.21
          If you want to tell someone you care, do it. If you want to leave a job, find another option and make it happen. If you want something to change, start doing something to cause things to shift. Your life will stay the same if you do nothing to alter it.
          
          29.05.21
          Allow yourself to grow. That means giving up some things. There are things we cannot hold on to forever. Know when something is no longer serving its purpose to lift you. Know when to let go of things that keep holding you back and making you feel like you are not good at it. You will always be good for something. Go find it.

18.05.21
          
          Some days, things just take way too much of my energy
          I look up and the whole room's spinning
          You take my cares away
          I can so overcomplicate, people tell me to medicate
          
          Feel my blood runnin', swear the sky's fallin'
          How do I know if this sh*t's fabricated?
          Time goes by and I can't control my mind
          Don't know what else to try, but you tell me every time
          
          Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'
          And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'
          Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'
          And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'
          
          Sometimes it's hard to find, find my way up into the clouds
          Tune it out, they can be so loud
          You remind me of a time when things weren't so complicated
          All I need is to see your face
          
          Feel my blood runnin', swear the sky's fallin'
          How do I know if this sh*t's fabricated, oh?
          Time goes by and I can't control my mind
          Don't know what else to try, but you tell me every time
          
          Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'
          And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'
          Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'
          And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'
          
          My, my air
          My, my air
          My, my air, my air
          My, my air
          My, my air
          My, my air, yeah
          
          Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'
          And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'
          Just keep breathin' and breathin' and breathin' and breathin'
          And oh, I gotta keep, keep on breathin'
          
          Feel my blood runnin', swear the sky's fallin'
          I keep on breathin'
          Time goes by and I can't control my mind
          I keep on breathin', mmm, yeah
          
          — ariana grande, breathin’

drafts -
          
          - journal
          
          11. 05. 21
          you cannot, sir, take from me anything that i will not more willingly part withal - except my life, except my life, except my life
          — hamlet, act 2 scene 2, lines 213-17; hamlet
          
          12.05.21
          A true test of character isn’t how you are on your best days but how you act on your worst days 
          
          13.05.21
          There’s always some truth behind “just kidding”, knowledge behind every “I don’t know”, emotions behind “I don’t care” and pain behind “it’s okay”.
          
          14.05.21
          Be strong but not rude. Be kind but not weak. Be bold but don’t bully. Be humble but not timid. Be confident but not arrogant.
          
          15.05.21
          Pain changes people, it makes them trust less, overthink more, and shut people out
          
          16.05.21
          Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.