ᴠᴇɴᴛ ᴀᴄᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ

I want to be useful. I want to be needed. I want to be good for my friends. I want to be told that I'm doing a good job, even though I know I'm not. I'm so hungry for praise it's not okay

"when i was a kid, I was beat. Look at how I turned out!"
          
          Father, in this house of five children, ain't none trying to be like you.
          
          Please kneel over. Get into an accident. Lose mobility in one of your hands.
          
          I'm truly tired of listening to my siblings cry in pain because of you and not being able to do shit about it.

how i look into my teacup after using my VENT account to stir up drama because my life got the smallest bit boring
          
          (my pfp)

hi guys, this is an alt btw.

"erm what the freak she has the pass!!!!!!"
          eowyn is a racist what the fuck

She's genuinely my god. She's my reason for living, even if she doesn't know it. I'd kneel for her, if I could. This mindset is so fucking unhealthy, but it's what I have. When I die, I want her name  to be the last fucking thing that leaves my lips.
          
          My room is covered in stuff she gave me. Drawings of her. Stories where she's nothing but happy and healthy, even without me. She deserves so much. Why did she get me? I'm so hopeless. I don't even know who I am, half of the time. I feel so disconnected from people my age because some fucked up part of me grew up way too early. 
          
          Do I like her because she makes me feel so much better about that? 
          God, I love her. I love when she scolds me. I love her reaction when I gift her anything. She's so sweet. I might genuinely fucking kill myself if I fuck up this relationship. I'm so happy to have her. This isn't even my longest relationship, but it's the first time it's been this intense.
          
          I'll be happy if SHE leaves me. That means she made the choice. That means she'll be happy. She deserves happiness. She deserves nothing but the best. I'm not that.
          
          If I leave her, it'll be self sabotage. My low fucking self esteem trying to make her happier with a choice that won't do that. 
          
          I'm so fucked up. I'm so fucked up, it's funny.
          
          Sorry guys, I'm just a little absent in the head today.

so many of my 'friends' make me want to kill myself.

bro it pisses me THE FUCK OFF when I'm so CLEARLY trying to help someone and they just don't listen to me. 
          
          And at this point? Fuck you?? If you complain about it later, I'm just gonna be rude about it, because OF COURSE I AM. I tried to help you, the fuck?
          
          i'm not gonna waste my time trying to comfort you before and after the fact. 
          You picked your own fucking poison. Deal with it.

my siblings made me food but i'm just feeling so much yet so little so i can't bring myself to eating it and i feel like a bitch for it

I bet if I was her/him, I wouldn't have to bet for attention like this. My problems aren't a joke, and I see that now. Shame on both of you for making  me feel that way.