Amethyst

so now the only full witness to my father's assult on me is dead
            
            my cousin saw some of it, but not the whole thing.
            
            
            anyways.
            
            
            
            charging him sounds... not very fun, no matter how much i want to.
            
            
            
            whatever. everything fucking sucks and ughhhhhh.

on ANOTHER ANOTHER note:
            
            ... my gran is in hospital. I'm not really sure whats going on, but it's been a while. She was in the ICU but they moved her to a nursing building somewhere. I try visiting but theres always problems with my father or they moved her- etc.
            
            from what i think i know so far: her liver wasnt doing so great. extremely so. she fell, got a cut and an infection and since her liver is bad, her kidneys got bad especially since the infection.
            
            they put her on antibiotics and some sedatives since she keeps insisting to get out of bed and go home... it was like that for a while. she was barely cohesive. eventually she had a seizure - from the antibiotics - so they stopped them.
            
            shes been doing better these last few days. they stopped the sedatives and such, and shes able to be more herself again. but since they moved her to the nursing building they had her back on these "mind-altering drugs" as my father put it. he spoke to the head nurse who agreed that it was unnecessary. which pisses me off- sure it makes life a bit easier for the nurses who dont have to deal with her concious self- but how can she express herself? what if shes in pain? they wouldnt know anything- because  she couldnt say it because shes drugged-
            
            its fucked up.
            
            
            ... i hope she gets better soon.
            
            
            ... and while That was going on, my dad got a call from a lady renting to his friend 8 hours away. she said hes sick, and if my dad could come get him to the hospital, or organize it in some way.
            well, because of my gran being in such a state, my dad tried organising his friends brother to fetch the friend... i dont think they responded. a week later his friend died. the landlady called: my dad thought she was scamming him. after seeing the ambulance report he was like: "oh fuck."
            
            now hes blaming himself for thinking it wasnt so serious. he trusted his (really really reallllyyy) broke friend to go to the hospital if needed (usually my family and his friends and family chip in)

...he humped my foot, and since that day hes become a horny bastard who violates my space. my hands and my feet.
            
            recently his voice started breaking, he started herding me - and he makes really loud cheeps when theres food. He screams at me to sHut-up at night, and notifies everyone when theres hawks up in the sky, or monkeys entering our house.
            
            he's gonna be a really good rooster. I can tell.
            
            HES ALSO NO LONGER SHIT STAINED!!!! his brown feathers turned mostly white, so hes now a mottled mix of 80% white and spots and flecks of black and brown... some of his feathers look like a barred rock... which was the same kind as Big Boi. Not all of Chip is barred, but his PANTS ARE and his neck. HES GOT PANTS. AND NOW HES GROWING FEATHERS BETWEEN HIS TOES!
            
            hes such a weirdo, i love him.
            
            he loves extending his neck as he sleeps, just like Biggie used to.
            
            he used to be bullied by my older hens... nut now he just blends right in. sits with them, chills with them... I love him so much. Im always emotional about him because he grew up so quickly... but i wouldnt change any of it.
            
            as a teenager... he doesnt come towards me anymore. probably because i chased him away to stop harrassing the local storks we feed and stealing their chicken hearts. hes such a little shit. fucker.
            
            but the other day his roo instincts kicked in and he ran to me and started herding me and pretending to find the grass tasty saying "Here! I found food!" just for me to eat- and (If i were a hen) probably try jump me... just like Big Boi used to.
            
            ... yeahhhh hes gonna be a good rooster.

Gonna somehow send them this account to read through my 2020 rants
            
            *much scared

I literally- I'm so sad
            But I will deal with long distance even if it means I get to still be theirs
            I love 
            I'm literally-
            I thought I be partly Aromantic until now
            Only one other person I liked 
            And BAM
            GORGEOUS STUNNING AMAZING PERFECT NERDY BEAUTIFUL SHOWSTOPPING COLOURFUL KIND CARING GENEROUS MELLOW WONDERFUL PERSON COMES INTO MY LIFE
            
            and I find how ironic
            That they're very much smart
            They self study A level
            And pass
            
            With good marks
            
            
            And me? 
            
            Much failing
            
            So I find that very funny in its own way
            
            I love
            
            We call
            
            We message
            
            I much love, yes
            
            Holy hell I still didn't see this coming
            
            Would we even work long distance? I'm usually bad with messaging (not with him tho, somehow I can - and it doesnt feel strained)
            What comes after high-school? For me I wanna study overseas, in Slovakia 
            They wanna study in the University of Cape Town- and aim to become an astrophysicist researcher
            I'm somehow managing to convince them the UK is a terrible place to study (highly expensive, 11 000£ and in Slovakia it's like 4000€)
            ... what if we lose feelings? We're still young after all, and this isn't a movie. Things may not end perfectly- 
            Rn I can't imagine not having feelings- but what if- one day
            And if that happens? Would they even like slovakia? If we break up before we even gET there or worse- when already IN Slovakia 
            See I have all these doubts- then when I hear his voice
            When I see their face
            When we say I love you- I know we mean it
            I have doubts, and they're natural. I need to come up with every single solution or outcome of those thoughts or they won't go away. I blame my anxiety and OCD.
            Maybe a bit of past depression in the mix to spice it up.
            However I think if we can make it though the years of studying in different countries, I think we could have the potential to be more than just "dating"
            To me thats not engaged or some shit-  
            For now it's love, and youngness and inexperienced with uncertainties
            But if we can make it, then, it'll become stable relationship

Anyways 
            My gran moved 6 hours to where we stay, lived with us for 2? Months
            Not really- she was in hospital for a pinched nerve surgery and had to do rehabilitation for a month and a bit- which she was not that cooperative in I've heard.
            And now recently, she finally moved into her new house and my actual brother can have his room back! 
            And he and I actually get along now, somehow. 
            And I managed to find a human that wants to date me-
            And I also happen to love said human?? Like how did this happen- 
            I don't even know
            They're literally perfect
            
            I love them so much
            
            
            Best part? 
            
            
            ... they're moving to Capetown in December 
            
            
            The amount of tears still left to cry
            
            Ariana Grande , my queen
            
            Tell me your secrets to no tears

 If I know you irl: I'm begging you not to keep scrolling. I get extremely embarrassed or flustered every time i say something, or text you, and death would be my only option. So pleaSe- don't mention anything to me irl if you do choose to scroll.

@random_bookworm12 ended up getting 77% and passed the year because of it!! Shoulda said that ages ago tho...