rhyssieve

Would it interest anyone, if I had an audiobook version of my stories?
          	
          	- In full disclosure, part of my trauma is that I suffer from traumatic Mutism, which means, there are some days I would love to be able to talk, and just....nothing comes out. I try, and it's like I'm choked.
          	
          	So, reading things aloud to myself, it helps me remember to breathe, and it helps me find the natural pacing of a sentence, so that I can write more naturally - unconstrained to grammatical rules and regulations.
          	
          	My works can be quite dense, and full of loaded references I'm sure no one is catching, because no one knows I'm throwing them.
          	
          	In lieu of explanations, I'd like to post myself reading my own stories aloud. Mera is something of a self insert, although now, she kinda feels like my own basterd daughter, and I think she'd be ok with me reading her thoughts.
          	
          	I'll put up something on either a discord or youtube or something. 
          	
          	I guess this wasn't really a question at all, as I made my mind up as I was questioning, so...
          	
          	so.
          	
          	I guess this is an announcement?

rhyssieve

Would it interest anyone, if I had an audiobook version of my stories?
          
          - In full disclosure, part of my trauma is that I suffer from traumatic Mutism, which means, there are some days I would love to be able to talk, and just....nothing comes out. I try, and it's like I'm choked.
          
          So, reading things aloud to myself, it helps me remember to breathe, and it helps me find the natural pacing of a sentence, so that I can write more naturally - unconstrained to grammatical rules and regulations.
          
          My works can be quite dense, and full of loaded references I'm sure no one is catching, because no one knows I'm throwing them.
          
          In lieu of explanations, I'd like to post myself reading my own stories aloud. Mera is something of a self insert, although now, she kinda feels like my own basterd daughter, and I think she'd be ok with me reading her thoughts.
          
          I'll put up something on either a discord or youtube or something. 
          
          I guess this wasn't really a question at all, as I made my mind up as I was questioning, so...
          
          so.
          
          I guess this is an announcement?

rhyssieve

after leaving a dozen comments on an already finished work 
          
          (*i can never stop myself from poking and prodding, lol)
          
          I'm announcing that Mera is officially out of this saga, and onto a next journey.
          
          She is currently in camp with fellow travelers, and they have been contracted to - observe, quietly, a processional of Ales Leo Domini, and his lead cleric, Djianna.
          
          She has chief warlock Harlow, Jtorelle, paladin, and WREnN, a druid who formed their shadow processional, and is INSISTENT on discretion.
          
          Mera doesn't do discretion well. 
          
          Especially not when Dji (what she takes to calling Djianne,), only has Hikari and Arammi as fighters, and a big dude named DART. 
          
          He uh, knows other words, but DART! seems to be his favourite, so uh, we honour that.
          
          Not to mention Ebenezarr hasn't done this in a while, despite being an archwarlokk himself, the out of touch fool put fkn Jette in charge of the secruity, and Jette doesn't do anything without Blackhart, and Blackhart is a fkn pigeon.
          
          And the ranger has introduced herself by twelve names already, by Mera's last count, but dummy doesn't realize they all start with H.
          
          Hails, is what I call her, but god only knows what name she'll land on next hour.
          
          
          
          
          I found a great resource called METIS CREATIVE
          that helped me build this new foundation for a tale.
          
          Please check them out and follow their games, the structure looks gorgeous, and if I had any money at all to me (currently in house arrest and bankruptcy, lmaooooo)
          
          I would buy it all.
          
          Pace yourself kid!!! but do buy something, it's worth it.
          
          So anyway, that's the beginning - follow for the middle, I suppose, it's not yet written.

rhyssieve

Can I take a second to be super honest? 
          
          This page has helped me process a lot of mistakes I made a few years back, when I was really in a dark place and really feeling isolated and alone. 
          
          I didn’t know how to cope with all of the loss I was surrounded with at that time, so I turned inward. I got a good therapist, and together we started doing the work of unpacking some of the things I’ve been through. 
          
          The problem with that was, life continued to get awful around me, and as that weighed further on my neck, so too did the depth of the trauma we were diving into. 
          
          I have been through some things, not as awful as others, but the issue was, I was a child when these things happened, and little brains don’t comprehend sustained patterns of abuse and forced helplessness the way that a fully formed adult’s can. 
          
          And I didn’t have an adult around to witness these patterns. 
          
          
          Anyway, as I processed this, my long term partner had a psychotic break. 
          
          I couldn’t handle it. I wouldn’t have been able to under the best of circumstances, but I was trying under my personal worst. 
          
          I gave it five months, and it cost me my sanity right along with theirs. 
          
          I miss them sometimes, but only sometimes. I would have married them. We were two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, as Pink Floyd says. I had a home in them. We could have built a family that would have practiced that safety. 
          
          But they got sick, and I was slowly dragged down with them. 
          
          My drug of choice was weed, legal weed no less, because I didn’t think I could overdose. I thought I could be pleasantly stoned and everyone would be better off. 
          
          I was wrong.

rhyssieve

What I’ve had to process, long and short of it, is that I have quietly been suffering with severe ptsd for most of my life. 
            
            My therapist, even though i had a mental health crisis myself, got my very own pair of grippy socks out of it and everything (they’re lost to the ether, before you ask)
            
            My therapist helped me see that I wasn’t just struggling with depression, I was not feeling at all. 
            
            My therapist, herself a person who uses a wheelchair for mobility, helped me see that I was fully paralyzed. 
            
            My suicidal ideation is so much a part of me I couldn’t see it as my primary symptom. 
            
            I identify with it so much I didn’t see it as an issue. 
            
            My suicidal ideation is also passive, so it disguises itself as benign. But there is no distinction between malignant and ok the way there is with cancer. I live with passive suicidal ideation every single day and my therapist helped me see that it started when I was either twelve or eleven, we don’t know the age, but we do know the memory. 
            
            And I didn’t know because it was too close to me. Too much a part of me. 
            
            I’ve been living with a noose around my souls neck that I’d happily accepted as part of my collar. A tie on my uniform. Part of the job, ma’am, I’ll stay buttoned up, don’t you worry about me, I’m great at staying strait laced. 
            
            Except I’m not, in any sense of the phrase, and I’m also not a soul inherently wanting to die - it’s a symptom. 
            
            It’s a core symptom of a disease I live with. 
            I have a brain condition I’m disabled by. 
            
            But it’s a manageable, treatable symptom. 
            It just took me years to see it.
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rhyssieve

Yoooooooo
          
          I had a lot of life stuff happen the past month but I’ve been thinking about where my stories have gone, where they’re going
          
          And I just want to say, screaming into whatever corner of the void is mine, that I’m committed to continuing to write. 
          
          The story’s not over. 
          
          And it feels good to commit to that

rhyssieve

I got a sweet tattoo today, but it’s a little too close to the chest to reveal (ba dum tssssss….. …it’s a sternum piece)
          
          It’s still healing too, but man when I tell you it’s gonna look AMAZING when it’s settled in 
          
          I really found my shades, turns out it’s about playing with the complements. Teal and orange always were my favourite