rulerzre4chf4n1

As soon as my dad's citizenship swtg. This might be the last update.

rulerzre4chf4n1

December27th 1:38-1:52
          
          Hi. It has been a few months since I last wrote on this document, although I have been updating on wattpad.I have yet to get help. I can feel my life slowly draining from my body the longer I wait. But genuinely this time I cannot do this right now. My brother's birthday is soon. New Year is coming soon. My dad is going to El Salvador for his immigration appointment. It would be selfish of me to even insist i need a little bit of help. I also don't feel as if I really need the help. I mean I know I do, why else would I write these? I guess it’s more so I don't DESERVE the help. I put myself in this situation, it's my fault so why do I get to complain? Nobody made me feel this way and made me hurt myself. I choose to and I deserve to deal with the consequences. The burden shouldn't be on anyone but myself. I guess I should get into my problems now
          
          First of all; I've been a lot more upset lately about being queer. I have notice a lot of more hatred being spread around and it’s making me nervous for my future. Why should I get to exist if it will be always miserable because of others. No matter what i do or who i cant push it down, i wish for the ability to but im stuck like this. I wanna cry. Will there ever be a place for queer people in this world?
          
          Secondly; I have been anxious for my fathers upcoming immigration appointment, I dont know how it will go. I mean this could be a great thing if it goes well and im sure it will. But if it doesn’t. Im not sure I wanna think of it. I mean I could lose my dad. He could be stuck out there forever. My father being deported or being denied his citizenship is such a painful fear and thought that I unfortunately have had to bear since i was a child. Their has been countless times where I cried for hours worrying about what could happen.

rulerzre4chf4n1

it. I mean I could lose my dad. He could be stuck out there forever. My father being deported or being denied his citizenship is such a painful fear and thought that I unfortunately have had to bear since i was a child. Their has been countless times where I cried for hours worrying about what could happen. 
            
            Third; i dont even wanna talk about it but. My chronic illness isnt better. Duh. im over it. Im done.
            
            Fourth; I am facing extreme fatigue and depression that i stopped doing any of my homework. I fsaiked math and have to retake it. Genuinly my fault though. I am so over it though, what is the point? Im probably gonna kill myself so it’s useless to try in school. I should just get it overwith, it’s not like id have a bright future anyways. This disease has ruined me always and forever. Sometimes I sit and think about even just 2 years from now and lowkenuinly just cry. Theres no way I will handle life. I hate it all I dont wanna exist past now I dont wanna live a real life. My depression is consuming me and im letting it. I'm drowning but feeling pleasure from it.
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rulerzre4chf4n1

this message may be offensive 
One day later. Im doing it dont fucking care anymore man posting this shit if anyone does anything in the next day I won't but since nobody read this know im probably fucking rotting at this point

rulerzre4chf4n1

I hung for like less than a second but I didn't want this to mess with my dad's immigration appointment
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rulerzre4chf4n1

Im a pussy
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rulerzre4chf4n1

Okay man been like 3 months since my last one:
          Um im not doing so hot? I kinda hate everything right now and the walls are closing in and I'm genuinely tweaking worse than ever before. 5 years and youd think I wouldve gotten help or someone would've noticed or even someone online calling somrone or reaching out to me, but im kind of invisible I guess? Anyways I guess ill go into detail this time. So to the people who frequently read these you know I have arthritis. Well for the last 6 months now ive had crippling ankle pain but the doctors dont know if its arthrits pain to this day. Genuinely jumping over that. My medication is still bad and now I have such bad fatigue im failing all my classes and I cry and panic but genuinely cant do any work. I dont wanna do homeschooling cuz I like school and homeschooling would mean I have to face how sick I truly am. Every week I consider it more and more and im scared because soon. Nothing will stop me and I know I will absolutely do it. I also dont have anyone? Like a lot of people say talk to someone but I have no one I cam talk to. Ive never connece5ed with anyone deeply and its really sad to think about everyone I know has SOMEONE they rely on but I don't. I dont think anybody really cares about me as much as I care about EVERYONE. Nobody notices me no matter how desperately I want them too. 
          
          On a lighter note, my dad's immigration appointment is coming up eith a not too strict place and he leave for El Salvador on the 27 of December. I hope and even pray it will go nicely. Thats positive but also negative because now I definitely can't reach out and make things more complicated for my family now. Someone genuinely shoot me so I can die without worry

rulerzre4chf4n1

Hey uh zuko here! Anyways here to say I started sophomore yr yahoo not really. Its okay yk? My teachers are chill I know the people in my classes by now its fine. But lile also im falling into a deep depression and I acutally really might kms this time???? Anyways until that happens I have to go to school at 7 AM NOW??? STUPUD ZERO PERIOD GRRRRR Anyways its whatever I wake up at 5 now but whatever