rulerzre4chf4n1

December 11th 2024. 11:25-12:10
          	Hello me again. Although I will still be publishing these online, I figured great writers would throw themselves in their work. Oops I’m already doing bad at this. Anyways because of this I decided daily writings would work better. So here it is, today's daily writing. So far my day has been kinda sucky. Yesterday I relapsed so I just couldn't fall asleep after that. I decided to just watch some nice movies to calm down. I should've gone with cartoons, I always pick sad movies. First I watched the Perks of Being a Wallflower, which in hindsight was a bad idea during a depressive episode. Then I chose to watch But I'm a Cheerleader. That film had me sobbing because what if my parents stopped loving me if they knew.  Lastly I watched I Saw the TV Glow, I had seen it a few weeks prior for the first time and I was sad that time I didn't know why I thought I wouldn’t be this time. Yesterday was also my infusion day which set me up for a bad week anyways. Either way now I'm super tired at school today and I have to stay until 5 pm for choir rehearsals. 
          	
          		The reason for the late rehearsals is that tomorrow is the winter choir show. Originally I will admit I was very excited but now I'm kind of bored with everything. I know in my first rant I expressed how much better I was but that was a lie. Nobody sees these so I guess it was more so a lie to myself. Not really sure why I'd do that, it's pretty weird. But I guess I'm overall pretty weird. I just thought of an amazing title for my book because maybe i’ll publish these on like wattpad or smth as a collection. Anyways if the title has anything to do with “writings of a…” that was my 14 year old brain cooking. I know that this entry is already pretty long but I'm sure I'm gonna keep writing for today. I'm only half way through of course. I’m sure my day could get worse or maybe better.

rulerzre4chf4n1

this message may be offensive 
I realize now that I have over 40 missing math assignments to complete in the time span of 4 hours. Jesus fuck I am done for. Genuinely I think I am decently smart.  I think if i tried more maybe my grades wouldn't be so sucky. Currently I am in choir, free time in class so I decided to just write out as much as I possibly can. I don’t think my little depressive episodes have ever gotten just as bad as the one I have been in for the past month. I think this might be it, instead of reading these in a book this will be in some local news as the insane final words of the girl who committed suicide. Either that or I will in fact end up in a psychiatric hospital soon.
          	  
          	  Anyways I think this should probably be my final paragraph as of right now because I do have some work to complete for other classes. In math, who cares I hate math I hate math. In Spanish class it’s not particularly fun but I still prefer it over most classes. In English, I am in pre-ap English(could you tell I have a thing for writing?) Since the beginning of the year we’ve just had boring assignments that take nothing more than 10 minutes to complete. But recently we finally started writing, currently we are working on a short essay which I’ve already written more on this little project of mine than the essay for so imagine the essay will be easy. I should probably stop writing for now, maybe I'll write more later.
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rulerzre4chf4n1

December 11th 2024. 11:25-12:10
          Hello me again. Although I will still be publishing these online, I figured great writers would throw themselves in their work. Oops I’m already doing bad at this. Anyways because of this I decided daily writings would work better. So here it is, today's daily writing. So far my day has been kinda sucky. Yesterday I relapsed so I just couldn't fall asleep after that. I decided to just watch some nice movies to calm down. I should've gone with cartoons, I always pick sad movies. First I watched the Perks of Being a Wallflower, which in hindsight was a bad idea during a depressive episode. Then I chose to watch But I'm a Cheerleader. That film had me sobbing because what if my parents stopped loving me if they knew.  Lastly I watched I Saw the TV Glow, I had seen it a few weeks prior for the first time and I was sad that time I didn't know why I thought I wouldn’t be this time. Yesterday was also my infusion day which set me up for a bad week anyways. Either way now I'm super tired at school today and I have to stay until 5 pm for choir rehearsals. 
          
          	The reason for the late rehearsals is that tomorrow is the winter choir show. Originally I will admit I was very excited but now I'm kind of bored with everything. I know in my first rant I expressed how much better I was but that was a lie. Nobody sees these so I guess it was more so a lie to myself. Not really sure why I'd do that, it's pretty weird. But I guess I'm overall pretty weird. I just thought of an amazing title for my book because maybe i’ll publish these on like wattpad or smth as a collection. Anyways if the title has anything to do with “writings of a…” that was my 14 year old brain cooking. I know that this entry is already pretty long but I'm sure I'm gonna keep writing for today. I'm only half way through of course. I’m sure my day could get worse or maybe better.

rulerzre4chf4n1

this message may be offensive 
I realize now that I have over 40 missing math assignments to complete in the time span of 4 hours. Jesus fuck I am done for. Genuinely I think I am decently smart.  I think if i tried more maybe my grades wouldn't be so sucky. Currently I am in choir, free time in class so I decided to just write out as much as I possibly can. I don’t think my little depressive episodes have ever gotten just as bad as the one I have been in for the past month. I think this might be it, instead of reading these in a book this will be in some local news as the insane final words of the girl who committed suicide. Either that or I will in fact end up in a psychiatric hospital soon.
            
            Anyways I think this should probably be my final paragraph as of right now because I do have some work to complete for other classes. In math, who cares I hate math I hate math. In Spanish class it’s not particularly fun but I still prefer it over most classes. In English, I am in pre-ap English(could you tell I have a thing for writing?) Since the beginning of the year we’ve just had boring assignments that take nothing more than 10 minutes to complete. But recently we finally started writing, currently we are working on a short essay which I’ve already written more on this little project of mine than the essay for so imagine the essay will be easy. I should probably stop writing for now, maybe I'll write more later.
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rulerzre4chf4n1

December 9th 2024. Hello this is veena but I mean I know that this is a letter to myself I guess I might do these weekly just to check up on myself. Today was fun. I played a horror game with my friend at lunch. And that all that was particularly fun. Things have been looking up. I got invited to a birthday party on the 22nd and I went to one on the 7th wow I have friends who invite me out so happy. I have a choir show on Thursday so that's nerv wracking. I also have finals next week I am truly dying. Hopefully all is well. Infusion tommorw but this time I bought snacks.
          Sincerely 14 year old me

rulerzre4chf4n1

I have been a mess these past few days and I wanted to write down my feelings. I remember in 6th I got a dork diares diary and I wrote down some thoughts. I grab it and turns out it was a lot more than I thought. In 6th I wrote down my feelings and how sucidal thoughts had started in 7th I seemed a lot worse. In 8th It looked like I'd magically gotten better while trying to deny what was wrong with me. And I mean even entry is like 3 paged minimum to 7. I thought I had only written in it once for a bit. It made me very sad to think that I wouldn't at all be happy with the outcome of my life. I haven't changed at all.