rulerzre4chf4n1

Im so ready this time I dont care what happens

rulerzre4chf4n1

December27th 1:38-1:52
          
          Hi. It has been a few months since I last wrote on this document, although I have been updating on wattpad.I have yet to get help. I can feel my life slowly draining from my body the longer I wait. But genuinely this time I cannot do this right now. My brother's birthday is soon. New Year is coming soon. My dad is going to El Salvador for his immigration appointment. It would be selfish of me to even insist i need a little bit of help. I also don't feel as if I really need the help. I mean I know I do, why else would I write these? I guess it’s more so I don't DESERVE the help. I put myself in this situation, it's my fault so why do I get to complain? Nobody made me feel this way and made me hurt myself. I choose to and I deserve to deal with the consequences. The burden shouldn't be on anyone but myself. I guess I should get into my problems now
          
          First of all; I've been a lot more upset lately about being queer. I have notice a lot of more hatred being spread around and it’s making me nervous for my future. Why should I get to exist if it will be always miserable because of others. No matter what i do or who i cant push it down, i wish for the ability to but im stuck like this. I wanna cry. Will there ever be a place for queer people in this world?
          
          Secondly; I have been anxious for my fathers upcoming immigration appointment, I dont know how it will go. I mean this could be a great thing if it goes well and im sure it will. But if it doesn’t. Im not sure I wanna think of it. I mean I could lose my dad. He could be stuck out there forever. My father being deported or being denied his citizenship is such a painful fear and thought that I unfortunately have had to bear since i was a child. Their has been countless times where I cried for hours worrying about what could happen.

rulerzre4chf4n1

it. I mean I could lose my dad. He could be stuck out there forever. My father being deported or being denied his citizenship is such a painful fear and thought that I unfortunately have had to bear since i was a child. Their has been countless times where I cried for hours worrying about what could happen. 
            
            Third; i dont even wanna talk about it but. My chronic illness isnt better. Duh. im over it. Im done.
            
            Fourth; I am facing extreme fatigue and depression that i stopped doing any of my homework. I fsaiked math and have to retake it. Genuinly my fault though. I am so over it though, what is the point? Im probably gonna kill myself so it’s useless to try in school. I should just get it overwith, it’s not like id have a bright future anyways. This disease has ruined me always and forever. Sometimes I sit and think about even just 2 years from now and lowkenuinly just cry. Theres no way I will handle life. I hate it all I dont wanna exist past now I dont wanna live a real life. My depression is consuming me and im letting it. I'm drowning but feeling pleasure from it.
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