@samkil211
"You see, when I put my heart into something...it stays. Whether it's foolish, or the best decision I ever make is irrelevant."
"Why? Why risk yourself like that?"
"The stupidest choices have the potential to be the greatest, but when you make them, they often feel like the worst. You just never know how it's going to end."
"For you? I'd give up everything. I just wish you'd see that."
"The longer you pretend to be someone you're not, the more you're going to lose who you are."
"That's the thing: I've already lost myself."
"I love you."
"I want to believe that. I really do, but I can't. Eventually, all those words that were forgiven, but not forgotten, build up and all I can see are the reasons that people don't love me and it blocks out all the reasons that people do."
"I mean it."
"Words speak louder than actions, and so far, yours have spoken loud enough for me to know that you don't."
"You can't tell people to stop loving you." Her eyes were fierce and unyielding in their finality.
"I've done a damn good job so far." I spat back at her, tearing my eyes away from her once gentle, blue orbs, and instead focusing on my feet.
"And look where it's gotten you. You're broken! How can you not see that? You've said it yourself. You can't love yourself when nobody loves you, but people are trying to love you, and you shove them away. Whenever you feel vulnerable, you put up another wall, and you make sure it's impenetrable, and that's what's going to kill you." She yelled, throwing her arms up into the air in defeat. She was right. I know she was right, and so did she.
I felt her hand slowly tilt my face up to meet hers. I could feel the wetness building in my eyes at an uncontrollable rate. Her eyes met mine and that softness was back again. My heart was hammering in my chest, but at that moment, I didn't care. As a tear softly drifted down my cheek, I said the words that I never thought anyone could get me to say.
"Then tear them down."
"You don't know me." I spat.
"That's because you won't let me! You put up your walls and you don't let anyone in. You have to let someone in. Let me love you!" The next word she said was nothing like the rest. The other words were sharp and direct, but this word was anything but that. This one word carried all the emotion that was needed to bring the coldest of people to tears. This word was broken, strained, and pitiful.
"Please."
"You want to know what scares me?" I asked quietly to the blonde sitting with her legs thrown over mine. She nodded, still looking off into the serene hills just beyond the river. "My biggest fear isn't hurting myself." That's when she looked at me. She was neither alarmed, nor surprised.
"What is your biggest fear?" She asked, her bright blue eyes swimming with an emotion I just couldn't place. An emotion I had never seen before.
"My biggest fear is not being afraid." That's when she looked at me with confusion. "When you're afraid it means you have something to lose. If I'm not afraid it means I have already lost everything." There is was. That emotion was back, but this time I knew what it was. Love. Innocent, pure love.
"What's depression like?" She asked innocently. I looked into her ocean blue eyes, defeated. She was looking at me, expecting me to answer in words she could understand, but that was the thing. She wouldn't understand. As much as she wanted to be there for me, she couldn't, so I looked back up into those eyes I couldn't help but stare into for days, and I told her, in the only words that came to my mind.
"It's like someone holding you underwater, except when you look up through the waves, the only person standing there is yourself."