蔡

it's quite outstanding how a person desperately longing for a person and hoping for them to come back transitions to wanting to let them go and stop sticking around any longer. 
          
          it's like they're wanting a fresh
          
          new
          
          start.
          
          letting people go, cutting people off, rejecting people... all of these incidents happened to,, me. and it feels like i'd like to do the same
          
          not to them, but
          
          generally.

'sometimes i wonder to myself if you've committed without my notice'
          
          did you?
          
          but that can't be, i was part of the reason why you attempted on dec 3
          
          yet again, i was also a part of the reason why you wanted to stay longer
          
          i wish you the best ! if ever you're still there. i miss you a lot you know.

what is this that im feeling? this feeling like there's something missi-
          
          that's it
          
          missing, something is missing... someone, rather.
          
          but why all of the sudden? i thought i got over them already?
          
          i did,
          
          but the real question is do i still want to be with them again?
          
          if the answer is yes, you haven't gotten over them. if the answer is no, you've gotten over them. congratulations!
          
          but why do i miss them without wanting to be with them?
          
          it's part of it, it's normal. if someone denies they miss someone from their past, they're either in denial, fooling themselves or just hate the person wholeheartedly.

'can i at least have someone who's interested in me the way i'm interested in them too?' i thought
          
          fortunately, it was granted.
          
          but
          
          i'm not interested in them.
          
          i thought about cutting this person off, acting mean towards them and all that. but what did i do? i'm still here, entertaining them. 
          
          i want to return the favor and be interested in them but years had past and it's still the same. i'm still not interested.
          
          i wanted to give what this person deserves but how will i be able to do that when i don't deserve them in the first place? they're... too much for me. 
          
          i want to be better for them but it's just no use when i'm not interested.
          
          i want to be better
          
          but
          
          do i want them?

after waiting for someone, i never waited for someone ever again.
          
          except for her.
          
          her. she told me we're better of as friends, so we were friends.
          her. she told me i annoyed her, so i was sorry.
          her. she left me hanging for a while, so i checked up on her.
          her. she told me she already likes someone else, so i thanked her for everything
          her. she left me hanging.
          
          i waited to for her to change. she did change something, someone rather. she changed her someone.

"tell me, do you really like me?" the girl said to her partner who's eyes are stuck on the ground.
          
          "it's not like that... i'm just drained... please understand" her partner said, quietly sobbing without looking at her lover. 
          
          "if so, were you drained during the times of you liking me?" the girl asked another question. her partner was silent for a while.
          
          "no, not at all" 
          
          "then why didn't you at least gave effort into this relationship? what am i? the one always chasing even if my partner was the one who liked me first?" the girl started to raise her voice, but she kept her cool.
          
          "i am drai-"
          
          "you just stated you weren't DURING the times your were fine."
          
          and that's when the girl knew her partner was tired of her. that her partner's feelings faded, it probably wasn't true feelings in the first place. 
          
          'here we are again. people telling me they like me, later on either giving up on me or their feelings faded. what a world we live in.' the girl thought.

have you ever had someone who loves you genuinely?
          
          "i have."
          
          did it last?
          
          . . .
          
          how can you tell it was genuine when they left you?
          
          "they didn't leave me, something came up. like a house peacefully standing there, an earthquake suddenly occurring and destroying the beautifully built home."
          
          was it a person?
          
          "not a person but fate. fate did it."

"when will the world be by my side?"
          
          silence.
          
          "i'm so sick and tired of this. everything that's happening from the past kept on repeating and repeating! it's like i'm in a never ending cycle of life's torture. so tell me, when will the world me by my side?!" the girl looked up with tears streaming down her face, eyes filled with sadness and rage, seeing the beautiful glow of her companion since day one. her companion when she's sad, happy and angry. the moon. 
          
          no one else stayed with her, not longer than the moon. 
          
          the moon. she's always left with the moon.