sanrak_zalia

To disappear into thin air as if I was nothing, nothing of any importance or any worth. Oh to be a grit on the dirt way. Grit in this world, in a physical, alive form is much worse than being flower on a corpse, moss on rotting body. How can you continue to live while being crushed each and everyday? What about your dreams, expectations and happiness? Is it peaceful because I'm stable or is it peaceful because I am numb to it? A painful numbness as if I already know, a peace telling nothing will ever get better, just worse from here. How can you sleep peacefully when you make someone hurt so much? How can you eat so well after killing someone's appetite, how can you you love them and pull them in your embrace when you killed a part of them every second, look them in the smile and ask them if they are fine after crushing the only thing they love. Am I brave enough to sit and let all this through me or am I coward enough. Am I stupid or too much in love to just loose every aspect of me and still wait for better.

sanrak_zalia

To disappear into thin air as if I was nothing, nothing of any importance or any worth. Oh to be a grit on the dirt way. Grit in this world, in a physical, alive form is much worse than being flower on a corpse, moss on rotting body. How can you continue to live while being crushed each and everyday? What about your dreams, expectations and happiness? Is it peaceful because I'm stable or is it peaceful because I am numb to it? A painful numbness as if I already know, a peace telling nothing will ever get better, just worse from here. How can you sleep peacefully when you make someone hurt so much? How can you eat so well after killing someone's appetite, how can you you love them and pull them in your embrace when you killed a part of them every second, look them in the smile and ask them if they are fine after crushing the only thing they love. Am I brave enough to sit and let all this through me or am I coward enough. Am I stupid or too much in love to just loose every aspect of me and still wait for better.

sanrak_zalia

Left alone, caressing ownself. It gets tougher and tougher to rely on others when you were left alone for long, too long. The inner self knowing that no one will ever be there for you even when they promise. They feel fake, they feel empty.
          
          Each and every time, whenever you were in need, no one came in to help, no shoulder to cry on, no hand to wipe the tears off and no one to trust.
          
          Grew up to be independent, too independent, to be left in solitude. Proved again and again that you don't need love to live, no one to fill the void.  boundaries around, a safe space for yourself where it is all cozy and safe.  if no one enters then no one will hurt.
          
          You proved all the time that you need no one, that they will do nothing but hurt you. 
          
          Until one day, your inner demon is you, the little you who was ignored, hurt and left alone without the love you deserved. 
          
          Just the little scared you and the older you holding them in with all the love one can provide themselve, just when you caress yourself at night , to tell yourself that you love them, you love them and it ain't there fault.

sanrak_zalia

No choice what so ever. As if fate is playing with you like you would play with tiny toys. When hide and seek start to feel more real and things start to become scary. Wanting g to hide forever, in a place unknown to seeker. 
          
          As each taken step near, a part of us dies with fear knowing we have no choice. 
          
          For once you want to be forgotten about and left alone but fate is still toying around. When you feel maybe now something will be right you're provened wrong  again and again until you have no expectations.
          
          Start to live in fear where no time for hiding is left neither you want to anymore. Not bravery as I call. Habitual is more perfect. When you know that no matter how much you pray, beg and wish nothing will be in return. And all you can do is take all what you got and carry it for your life. 
          
          Hopelessness immersed in you to the point you don't know how hope feels. Maybe a smile or a giggle you had earlier in the week is taking its revenge. 
          
          Maybe it is how it will he forever. 
          
          To be like this your whole life. 
          
          Cause, you never had a choice. 
          
          Never will get a choice.
          
          And just life like a pest, a parasite to your own self. 
          
          To feed on the little small memory you made a decade ago and drink you tears in the night. 
          
          See yourself in the mirror and try to recognize yourself. 
          
          Take occasional deep breaths to know you are alive.
          
          And pat yourself at night to know you are all alone.
          
          Touch your wrist to feel your pulse, check you are still alive. 
          
          It's alright again, my darling, you had no choice.

sopeistheship

@sanrak_zalia no cuz i am crying
            
            This hurt, a lot. Like it is basically how it is now
            I have a bond almost on  the verge of breaking(the angel we once used to talk about) and both are making no efforts to stop it from fading, it honestly hurts me but it's okay
            Thank you for this tho, it calms me down. Reminds me that i have someone who is also going through the same/similar things
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sanrak_zalia

Amidst the numerous thoughts and people, a mind wanders off to a place where everything comes alive. A world different than others, where imagination thrives and insecurities dies... 
          
          So, I was in middle of the class when the teacher talked about two curators ( those you don't know, they are special people to look and take care of special place like botanical gardens , etc)
          
          Two curators who end up giving natural system of classification... Named George Bentham and Joseph Hooker
          
          Now.... what caught my mind was, Gay, they guys...might be gay guys  
          
          ... and that's the only explanation I am about to continue.
          
          They worked in 'Royal Botanic Gardens' which is in London and that means they are really in one of the most romantic place. Even though they had a 17 year age gap but still... I can get my mind off how wiped Hooker would have been for Bentham and how he would help around him and then actually start to work with him until one day they were laying around the grass, just chilling and Bentham pointed out "Oi! Mate! Look at that magnificent creature!" which was a simple little butterfly and Hooker would just look at him and said out loud, "Not in comparison to you mate." And since then they knew that this is it! 
          
          And one day there were just working alot in the garden just to hang out with each other, some one asked them what they were doing and Bentham panicked and announced that he is classifying them and now he is frustrated to do this while Hooker is quiet happy since they can spend days and night inside the garden and no one can disturb them.
          
          Also, I can imagine them like this:
          Hooker: * a bit high cause of marijuana plant which he was inspecting * Oi! Mate! What will you inform Lady Crying Ms.San to her mother? 
          Bentham: * questing his love * I have no idea
          Hooker: CrySanTheeMum! * laughing while throwing chrysanthemums around *

sopeistheship

@sanrak_zalia this is the most beautiful thing i have ever read on the internet
            Preach didu also make sure you check your wp DMs
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sanrak_zalia

How funny it is that we pretend to overlook mistakes and follow the bitter lie until one day the clouds clear up and we are in front of bare naked truth... 
          
          I stood with a new correct measuring tape, knowing damn well that the older one was incorrect and a bit worn out... 
          
          Today I found out I am even shorter than what I was before... 
          
          I'm 4'10.2ft (148cm)  here is my truth. A truth which will never change... 
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          
          (Forgive my dramatic ass )
          
          
          Byeeeeee love ya all!

sanrak_zalia

@sopeistheship I'm not smol... you are the giant maknae! Periodt!
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sanrak_zalia

I have taken down the books mentioned below
          'Masked love'
          'Only her's'
          
          sorry if they were in your reading list as now they are down and might not come back for a long time.
          
          Chances are I might leave forever but still it is not totally confirmed. But for now, I am still on the hiatus and might extend it to an undetermined time. 
          
          Hope you understand and if my decision changes then I will come back and start again but if not then I will share that too.
          
          For now, I am bidding my goodbyes. 
          
          Thank you for all the wonderful comments and messages and I hope you understand.
          
          It's me signing off
          -Sanrak Zalia
          
          Adios

navyxtha

@sanrak_zalia We love you. ❤️
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sanrak_zalia

@navyxtha you are more than lovely,  honey.
            I'm really relieved to hear this from you!  thankiesss ❤
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navyxtha

@sanrak_zalia Author!!! It's your choice to leave or stay. If you want to leave or take a break, we are with you. No matter what we love you. You'll always remain special to me. Please stay in touch. If there is any other way I can contact you, please do mention. Take care. <3
            - your lovely reader
            
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sanrak_zalia

over a month since I last came back... damn.
          How are you all????
          
          Oh with this I wanna tell that I will be back around late July/ Early August and then start to update again...
          
          (Lots of the books I have in my library updated several chapterrr and here I am...)
          
          Oh and now I don't have nightmares since I have just thinking about ferrets all day long and I can't with them... so cuteeeee
          
          Have you all heard the new song 'Maniac'???? 
          
          'Cause DAMNNNNNNNN
          
          See you all in like net month or sooo
          
          byeeeeeeee
          
          good night you all!

sopeistheship

@sanrak_zalia gtk didu
            I missed you also maniac was pucking great!!! I loved it sm uwu
            
            Also welcome back uwu
            Waiting for your return but i am gonna be on the inactive side cuz 10th std now :(
            
            
            Love you♡
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sanrak_zalia

still alive check! ( somehow) 
          
          lol
          
          so yeah... i am still on the break and can I say I wanted to have a break up with myself and move on and find someone better? Like why can't we break with ourself?
          
          anyways, it was not about hating myself or stuff like it...
          
          it was just that I was wayyyyy to frustrated with my life and how I had nightmares every night since like 14 days... and when I thought I win't have any.. that night came a thunderstorm and yeah-
          
          Anyways... how are you all doing? 
          
          Oh and one thing... 
          
          I had a test this sunday... and it was worse than waiting for comeback- 
          
          Stay healthy though! 
          
          -yeets myself out of the planet