i have a random unpublished book that i used as a journal in 2018-2020. in my last update, in oct of 2021, i talked about how happy i was and how different my life had been since i last updated. i posted that on the exact day my aunt died 4 years later (she passed two months ago). it's crazy how a normal day back in 2021 happens to be one of the worst days of my life now.
since then, my life has been split into two: before that day and after. everytime i see a video or picture of myself before that day, i get a weird feeling. i feel like im looking at a naive version of myself that has absolutely no idea what's in store for her.
at the end of the day, everything happens for a reason. i'm so grateful for the 20 years i've spent living with her and for all the countless memories we've made with her. i hope she passed content with the life she lived. i really hope she knew how much my siblings and i love her. i hope she never forgot that we were the kids she never had. i considered her more than an aunt, even more than a grandma. i miss her more everyday.
i've never lost a loved one before, i didn't know grief was this weird. i could completely forget about the reality of my life then suddenly lose it, as if she just died last night. it's true when people say grief never goes away, you just learn to live around it. all my problems seem minuscule now (past and present). there's so much more to life than petty arguments or a stupid exam.
what makes things a bit worse for me is that i have her phone in my drawer. having access to her phone makes me feel worse when i'd already be feeling bad. wdym she hasn't asked for her phone in two months? i was the one that got her that phone, i had no idea that a year later it would be in my possession again.
appreciate the blessings you have in life. be thankful for the health of your loved ones. be grateful for your life as you know it, one day you could look back and wish you were exactly where you are right now. ❤️
