I don't have a dirty mind,
I have a sexy imagination.
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List of things ain't nobody got time for:
1. That
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We never really grow up, 
we just learn how to act in public
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it takes real skills to choke on air,
fall up the stairs and trip over 
nothing. I have those skills.
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starting tomorrow whatever life throws at me,
 I'm ducking so it hits someone else
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It's okay if you don't like me.
Not everyone has good taste.
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All my life I thought air was free...
until I bought a bag of chips.
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Dear haters I couldn't help but notice
'Awesome ' ends with 'ME'
and 'Ugly' starts with 'U'
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Seeing a spider in my room isn't scary.
It's scary when it disappears.
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No matter how old I get, I think I will
always have to mentally sing the ABC's
to see what letter will come next.
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A jealous woman does better research 
then the FBI.
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When something goes wrong in your life,
just yell 'Plot Twist' and move on.
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I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns
in hello!
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Rumors are carried by haters
 spread by fools
& accepted by idiots...
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Dear Monday, I was thinking  you should take a 
holiday. Trust me, No one will miss you!
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It is a common delusion that you can make 
things better by talking about them.
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"Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit
the floor each morning the devil says,
"oh crap, she's up'"
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"The awkward moment  when you're that one friend 
who always gives relationship advice  but is still single."
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I'm not anti-social. 
I have cable, internet, and a dog.
What else do I need?
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some things are better left unsaid.
which I generally realize right after I said them.
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Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
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Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
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I take super hot showers to practice burning in hell
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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you do for fun
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Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is that just me?