sebkel

3 years ago today, Maddie left behind her earthly suffering early hours of the morning.
          
          She was here and then she wasn’t. Life slipped away so quickly and in a way that for a moment made me believe a heaven was actually the end goal.
          
          If God is real, I have just one question for him: why us? 
          
          Why didn’t Maddie get some peace? Why was her life clouded by disease?
          
          We will never know. But I know she’s not suffering anymore.

3 years in no time.
          
          It still feels like yesterday.

Maddie has no business being dead with all of this going on, wake up girl, let’s see the drama 

All of us are still cancer free. That’s weird to say.
          
          Im good, my leukemia hasn’t showed it’s ugly face in a while and for that im grateful because I reverted my DNR and even though im technically in palliative care (A lot behind that) I would treat if my cancer came back once again for a chance at more time with Z and our kids. I’d live for them.
          
          Maze had his scans and everything looks just perfect! We finished MEPACT and he’s adjusting to “normal” life again, he got a prosthetic and is in PT to learn how to walk with it.
          
          Nothing new to report. Maze’s cancerversary is in a few days and we are so glad he gets to celebrate it cancer free.

MADDIE WAKE UP, GABBIE G. GOT ARRESTED FOR CONSPIRING TO KILL JACK OMG 
          
          So much has happened she would never believe it, I just miss my sister 

May is brain tumor awareness month, may 17th is DIPG awareness day.
          
          In 2019, we lost our beautiful Hattie to DIPG.
          
          Diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma is the most deadly type of brain tumor. It has no cure, no treatment, no survival rate. Its terminal upon diagnosis and it affects mainly children.
          
          We go gray in may for Hattie. For the 6 months we saw her loosing herself. For the 7 years we’ve lived without here that are many more than the years we lived with her.
          
          DIPG came and took. 7 years ago we believed that somewhere in the future no other family would receive a death sentence when hearing those 4 words. Nothing has changed.

This month marks the beginning of the worst time of my life.
          
          Beginning of may we had hope, ending of we knew what would happen.

Been reminiscing a lot about lockdown days lately.
          
          It was just Yaya, Lula, Maddie, Maze, Bengala, Axel, Zek (who didn’t have anywhere to go to when lockdown shut everything down so suddenly) and I at our home in italy, we were driving each other crazy.
          
          Maddie got on here, she would post a lot about us, there was no school so she was ALWAYS reading or writing, it was peak WDW phase so that’s how she found a bunch of people that liked them as well.
          
          It was one day at a time. We lost a baby brother, we were grieving Hattie already, the world seemed like it was ending. But in all the bad there was good. Our family was together, Maddie was alive and we really thought her cancer would never come back, we thought our parents were done having kids, we were apparently very fit as I look at my Snapchat memories from that crazy time and see pictures of us in the backyard doing yoga (?) and swimming every day, my mum was alive…
          
          So much has changed, I’m not grateful for COVID as it ruined my life with the damage it did to my body and quality of my life. I’m just grateful we had that period of lockdown to remember just how much we loved each other.
          
          

Happy anniversary Zee.
          
          You changed my life completely, you held and waited and loved me even when I was being such a piece of garbage. You stayed.
          
          We said yes two years ago. How crazy no? I love you. Our little family. Our life. Your way of thinking and understanding. 

February is a good month to beat cancer.
          
          My first time fighting leukemia we wrapped up treatment February of 2009.
          
          Maddie was done with the treatment for her initial cancer February of 2018.
          
          Maze is done with treatment February of 2026.
          
          It is also the month I married the love of my life. 
          
          It’s a great month. I need to keep believing that.