Charlotte

Mentally, other than the massive underlying stress of college looking over my head, I haven't felt this good since like sixth grade.
          
          I haven't made one of my embarrassing little journal ass posts here in a while so here's one for the record. 
          
          Most of the reason that I haven't been super active on here is because I actually made some really good friends and I no longer spend every second of my freetime on the internet. It's a great place though, and fuck any adult that says otherwise (and disregard the fact that I am an adult). If the internet wasn't there I probably wouldn't be here right now. It was pretty much my only distraction during that year or so when I was kind of at my lowest ever. 
          
          And while my last post was me asking the zero people who read this to check in on me, this post is me reassuring the zero people that read this that shit works out in the end, and if it doesn't, you'll die anyway and you won't have to experience it :)
          
          I've never really had a best friend before, never really felt a true connection with any of my past friends. Then I moved schools and it got even worse because I literally had no one to talk to for an entire year and a half and I was kind of under the impression that I would be lonely for the rest of my life because I wasn't really worthy of friendship or love. 
          
          Obviously that was kind of fucked up for me to think because everyone deserves love and friendship. 
          
          And randomly the universe decided to grant me a favor and I met two of the coolest people ever who (mostly unknowingly) brought me out of a pretty dark place. I feel pretty damn good.
          
          

There was a post I made maybe a year ago that I ended with "things will get better, I promise." I was saying it somewhat ironically, because I've always hated people saying that when I'm not doing well because how in the fuck do you know that? 
          
          What I've come to realize is that it doesn't matter if they know it for sure or not because the thought of looking back on that low point while you're doing much better is a great enough goal to push through. They sort of talk your happy ending into existence. 
          
          And honestly just realizing that, and being able to say all these things now makes me so fucking happy that I didn't just give up on myself and recede into my nasty little depression hole of a bedroom and wither away. I don't feel like going on about how good it feels to be happy, or how much life has to offer, because I don't really know shit about that yet. I'm 18, I've just barely started. But I can say that looking back on sadness from the perspective of a happy person is pretty much the best thing life has offered me so far.
          
          I don't believe in God or anything like that, but as fucking cheesy as it sounds, I learned to believe in myself. 
          
          And I hope that the zero people reading this can have that same experience
          
          Cheers :)
          

I didn't really want to cover my last post bc it's kind of important, but I need to vent somewhere and it's happening right here right now. 
          
          Last year I started a new school (junior year). I didn't realize until then that I had completely forgotten how to fucking socialize and make friends bc I've known  all my friends from my old school for a really long time. It takes me such an incredibly long time now to form any sort of real comfort level with someone so I really struggle to make friends.
          
          On top of that I'm extremely insecure and socially awkward and if you don't know me I come off as really boring bc I can't have a conversation with someone I have no comfort with if I don't have time to think about every single thing I say so I give simple answers and I repeat the same 10 phrases like every five minutes like a damn video game character. 
          
          And my anxiety has been through the fucking roof for the last 2 years and I've done absolutely nothing about it. I'm literally living life on the edge. I'm about to fucking fall off. 
          
          And it seems like a stupid thing, but the lunchroom at this new school is really small and I don't know who to sit with. It wasn't a problem last year because we all got hella space to ourselves cause of covid so I didn't have to worry about finding a seat and I got to sit in the same spot every day. 
          
          This year I've just been thrown into the deep end and everyone that I'm  even slightly friends with already has their own group and I can't really just join them bc again, I'm fucking anxious, I would also feel like a jackass, and the tables are circles so if I sat down I'd be taking someone else's seat. And as I'm looking around the cafeteria today I'm noticing that even the other loner kids have groups to sit with and so I guess I'm just going to go through my year sitting at a table with people I don't know who are just going to have a conversation around me bc I'm too fucking shy to join in. 
          
          

And I'm literally crying as I'm writing this bc I'm a fucking senior and this is supposed to be a good year and I don't even have any friends and it's making my mental health so much worse and my friends from my old school barely talk to me anymore bc I guess I was never really that interesting anyways and I guess I should just eat lunch in the fuckkng bathroom like the god damn loser I am 
          
          Who the hell is going on 18 and can't even form a single fucking sentence let alone be interesting enough to hold anyone's attention for longer than a minute? 
          
          And I'm just gonna take a wild guess and say no one is reading this bc why the hell would you? I wouldn't. Who the hell would be on my account looking at this of all things. 
          
          I just get home from school and go to my room until dinner and I think my mom is getting worried about me bc I never hang out with people anymore. At all. But what the fuck am I supposed to do? I'm certainly not asking other people to come hang out to me. The last time I did my friend just flat out said no. And im sure she had sound reasons but I felt like absolute shit and I haven't asked anyone to hang out with me since. 
          
          What the fuck am I supposed to do? I really don't want to go through this year dreading school bc I LOVE this school. I just wish I had just ONE fucking friend. Just one. I don't have anyone that's more than an acquaintance. 
          
          So if you do happen to see this can you please check up on me? It would mean the world. 
          
          I like being alone but I don't like being lonely. 
          
          Right now I'm feeling very lonely.
          
          

If there happens to be another soul reading this who also happens to be reading my Zarry book, I just want to say that I haven't forgotten about it.
          
          As soon as I finish the essay I have due tonight that I have not started yet, I'm gonna have hella free time bc my classes will be pretty much over.
          
          I never really had a solid plot put together for Sweet Pea, so it's kind of just a somewhat-connected collection of one-shots. 
          
          If anyone reading this has any suggestions or specific parts you want to see in the story, PLEASE TELL ME 
          
          It would help a lot bc I have absolutely no direction for that book but I love how the characters are set up so far.
          
          
          ♡♡♡♡
          

Let me tell you about how much I hate Zoom. 
          
          These teachers always schedule zoom calls for like 7:30 like "it's just like a regular school day, you should be getting up just as early."
          I'm sorry, but kindly fuck off. 
          I know I'm being petty and I can't help it.
          
          And whenever I have to talk it always takes me like 5 minutes to find the unmute button.
          And my internet always goes out so I have to explain to the whole class about my shitty connection. 
          And like, I'm absolutely not talking unless you ask me a question directly. I hate it when they're like "anyone know the answer? Come on guys." I know the answer but I'm sure as hell not unmuting myself to say it. 
          
          I think I just have this underlying anxiety about talking on camera or on the phone. Which is strange because I also have anxiety about talking in person. What the hell am I supposed to do
          
          Anyway. I have a zoom call in 3 minutes. 
          
          Cheers to staying in bed 24 hours a day

Sometimes really random books pop up in my recommendations and I stumble into this really strange part of wattpad where people actually value good writing and there is no fanfiction. 
          
          It makes me sad because I used to genuinely read books. The thing about wattpad is that it allows me to be EXTREMELY picky about what I read, and that's why I don't go to the fucking library anymore. 
          
          Thank you, wattpad, very cool. 
          
          But not really. That pisses me off but it's too late to stop now. 
          
          My sleep schedule went to shit after about 3 days of being on winter break. I am now accustomed to staying up until around 3 or 4 am and school starts the day after tomorrow. (This bitch has to be ready by 6 am to get on the mf bus cuz I don't have a FrEaKInG caR.)
          
          It's okay. Totally cool. Totally not getting migraines from staring at my phone all day because I have nothing else to do because I'm not getting any hours at work because business is really slow this time of year. Couldn't be me.
          
          Anyway. Cheers to neck cramps and sore eyes. 
                  
          
          
          I've had Tia Tamera stuck in my head for like 4 consecutive days.

Hey b... Gonna continue Sweet pea? 

I think the most basic personality trait I have is that I love Christmas. 
          
          Like, for no god damn reason, either. I fucking hate my racist extended family, and my mom is always a complete bitch to me when we go to my grandparents' house. 
          
          Maybe I just really like winter. What can I say, I'm cold-hearted. 
          
          Not really, though. I feel like if someone were to read these I might come off as kind of a bitch, but I'm actually a big softie. I don't talk much irl and I'm a Whole Ass Doormat 24/7. 
          
          I don't feel like shit anymore, so that's pretty fuckin cool.  
          
          Cheers to hallmark holidays
          Jesus was born in the summer. 

Thanks for the follow!