Hello! I read your moonshell story and i do like it but I'd like to give some tips :)
For one, you should try and put quotes around speech :D!
For example,
"Hello!" They said.
It helps the readers distinguish between the descriptions and action and the speaking!
Also, on the part where Shelly hallucinates Brightney being rude, maybe you could try making things more obvious! Such as;
"Noone will need you." What?-...What was that?...Brightney wouldn't say that?..it sounded..hazy..
But thats not necessary ^^
Again i loved your work, but it being your first work, ofcourse you'll need some improvements! Everyone starts from somewhere and im sure you're gonna end up a great writer.
