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I am sorry for still being alive, Mom. I am sorry I'm still breathing. I am sorry I am still walking on this earth.
          I am sorry but my baby is still here and I will be here too as long as she is.
          But Mom, I promise you with my whole heart and soul and entire being, the day my baby dies, I will go with her. You'll have nothing to worry about.
          You killed that girl who still believed in you, even after 19 years of being a wife over being a mom. 
          I will kill this girl the moment her cat dies. I just hope that day wouldn't come for years and years. Not because I want to live. But because I want her to see me happy, not just surviving.
          Thank you Mom.

Fyi I was crying, unable to breathe or speak again but she kept going.
          So, this is for you, Mom.
          I am sorry I was scared that man might have killed me and threw to the side of the road and you wouldn't have known for god knows how long and would have blamed me for not picking up the phone or calling you as I do every day. I am sorry I was scared he might have raped me and I wouldn't even have the courage to tell you since I would have foreseen this reaction. I am sorry I was scared to be assaulted again. I am sorry I called and told you what happened, deep inside knowing you'd react exactly like that but I dared to hope  you wouldn't. I am sorry you had to have me. I am sorry I turned out this way. 
          Thank you for reminding me I am not even worthy raping or killing. Thank you for reminding me I am not worthy of your love. Thank you for reminding me I cannot turn to you when I am hurt. Thank you for reminding me who you actually are.
          Thank you for reminding me how cruel you are. Thank you for killing the hope in me about how one day I might gather the courage to tell you about how your niece raped me when you left me to sleep in the same bed with her, for years. Maybe you knew and didn't care, maybe you chose to be ignorant. I will never know.

I had to take a taxi to school since because the main line came 15 minutes earlier than always so I missed it and I was running so fing late after the other one broke mid way.
          The driver didn't talk, neither did I. I was checking the gps on my phone as I always do. Then he took a turn he wasn't supposed to. I told him we were going the wrong way and he needed to turn back. He said there was an accident on the road ahead etc. I said okay. Then he did it again, and again, and for the forth time I told him I wanted to pay whatever it costed until then get off since he was going the completely opposite way now. 
          He said "it's illegal to get out of the car here", kept saying this for the next two times I wanted to get off. 
          I started trembling crazy, couldn't breathe at all, had a panic attack and he had to let me go, I got out of the car in the middle of the highway, I sat on the side for half an hour before my breathing turned back to normal. Alone. While cars were passing by me in high speed. About to faint.
          I somehow made it to school and my prof asked why I was late, I said there was some complications but I needed to get to class to take the exam that'll affect %30 of my final grade. She asked more, I refused to tell because I was still shaking and barely able to speak. She said I cannot take the exam since I'm late, then came the male prof whom I ADORE and said that I should sit and breathe a little, I can take the exam and he would even provide the time I missed without asking any questions just looking at my state. 
          I took the exam, finished the 2 hours thing in half an hour and got the f out.
          Called my mom to tell what happened, because I cannot reject the little girl in me who still had hope in her mom.
          She asked why I woke up late(I didn't), why I didn't run for the first bus (it was already gone), why I got to a taxi (I was late and the exam is seriously important), why I got nervous just because he took a few turns and was going the wrong way DELIBERATELY

a 22 year old asked to me for advice and help on her own cocsa story because she saw my comment on a video. I didn't know she was 22 until the end, I thought she was younger, well, it didn't matter but still. She said she didn't tell anyone about that before, living in Morocco it was understandable of course. She had to courage to confront her tho, unlike me. And she dared play the "you didn't say no" card and cry, as If the 5 years old girl knew it was something wrong to start with. Then she dared tell other people "She's into women, she's sick" to cover her story If she ever had the courage to tell other people what happened when she was a child.
          I cannot even fathom the lengths they go to make you feel like you're the problem as the victim and not the abuser and gaslight and manipulate you and people around you so systematically.
          We were both victims of being only warned about men but never about women If we ever were warned, which to this day still continues, sadly.

I remember the night when I begged to God to be r****d. Because I saw a girl slightly older than me on the news, people forcing her to talk about "how it exactly happened" and no one actually listening to her cries. I begged God to put me through the same, If not the worse, so I can understand how the girl felt, so I can be on her side, so I can hold her hand, and truthfully tell her "I got you" and hug her, without asking questions that hurts as much as the "incident" itself. I was 7 at most back then. I didn't know what I was going through at that time was not any different than what the girl I wanted to help was going through. I just knew I begged God to give me someone that'd hold my hand and hug me without asking the questions that were asked to the girl, that'd believe my word without asking for proof. I wished to be that person to that girl because I didn't have one. 
          Then a few years ago, there was a girl I knew. She trusted me enough to talk about the same thing she was going through. I couldn't hold her hand, or hug her through the screen. But I tried my best to be on her side, to make her feel understood without asking questions unless she wanted to tell. I never told her to "talk to a trusted adult" or "get over it". Because I know how trapped you are in such a situation. I know how literally nobody would listen to you when the abuser is someone in your family, when they love them more than they love you.I never told her about what I had been through, I didn't want her to feel like I was just trying to up her story and make myself the center.But I always told her I genuinely got her, I hope she felt that way, I hope she felt that I was there for her, truly. We do not talk anymore, she stopped texting me one day. I hope she is okay, I hope karma found her monster, she's finding mine through their children. It doesn't ease the pain, it doesn't make you forget anything, it doesn't help. But still, they deserve to pay for it, in some way.

Remember me though I have to say goodbye
          Remember me don't let it make you cry
          For even if I'm far away I hold you in my heart..

Desasosiego, "olması gerektiği gibi olmayan bir şeyin içte bıraktığı titreşim" demekmiş. Ama "huzursuzluk" diyip geçiyorlarmış.

kimse cinnamon rolls yapmanın adını söylemek kadar zor olduğunu söylemedi bana.
          neyse eve çıkana kadar yapmayız bi daha olur biter

❤️

güzel gdceler sevgili merte